Auburn Hires Billy Mays As Offensive Coordinator (Humor)
AUBURN – With a turnover that even Chris Todd would find startling, Auburn University announced their new offensive coordinator hire just hours after they sent previous coordinator Tony Franklin packing.
Franklin's "Spread Eagle" implementation of his copyrighted "Tony Franklin System" never took flight for Auburn and resulted in a disappointing 4-2 start.
Fans' growling turned to roars as the Tigers tumbled down the FBS stat charts and struggled to put up points against each SEC foe they faced.
The bleak offensive production was enough for Head Coach Tommy Tuberville to call it quits on the recruit-baiting experiment that had started off with great promise with a 2007 Chik-fil-A Bowl win.
In a stalwart PR move, Franklin took responsibility for the disappointment while pointing out that Tuberville was ultimately calling the shots on offense.
On the other side of the blame game, Coach Tuberville held court with local press to put the most damaging rumors to rest. The most popular one blames his assistant coaching pals, dubbed "the BBQ boys," for rejecting Franklin and his system. Tuberville was visibly agitated when he called it "absolute hogwash," while feigning to hear it of it for the first time.
Tuberville then said, "What's done is done. Nothing will stop this football team from playing Auburn football." and shocked everyone with..."and with that in mind, I would like to announce that I have hired our new offensive coordinator this afternoon, Mr. Billy Mays."
Tuberville then lauded Mays' interview and credentials. He was quick to highlight Mays' promise to clean up the program and his hands-on approach to demonstrate his innovative techniques to players.
"The search committee was very impressed with Billy's intangibles and we think his gusto will attract the kind of athletes we need to continue competing for BCS bids and conference titles," he said.
When asked if Mays will have an immediate impact on the field, Tuberville pointed out much needed assistance for his receiving corps, which has been a problem this season.
"I've heard great things from the committee about Billy's "Kaboom" and "Easy Off-Bam" techniques," he continued. "And if all goes to plan, all of our guys should have both of those double-moves down by the Iron Bowl."
Tuberville then complimented the committee which was created, compiled research, and chose a candidate over an extended lunch break Wednesday afternoon.
He also graciously thank the other two final candidates for their time. Unconfirmed reports name them as Raffaelo Follieri, a Fordham quarterback coach and the CFL's Montreal Alouettes head coach, LeShaumwow Guy.
To close the session, an Auburn Versus staffer brought out a speakerphone with the new hire on the line to give a brief statement. Mays instantly won over the Auburn faithful when he showed his commitment to Tigers and introduced himself as, "Billy Mays! Here for the Auburn Tigers!" He was greeted by a deafening round of applause from fans in attendance.
As the whooping and cheering died down, Tuberville gave one final statement.
"Billy understands that the Auburn Tigers have been lackluster this season. But he has assured me that he will make the orange glow again.'"
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