Florida Football vs. The World

Auguste ArcherCorrespondent IOctober 9, 2008

Ah, the sweet smell of cool autumn air is flowing into our nostrils. The trees are beginning to turn colors, and the weather is becoming downright chilly.

Well, unless you live in Florida.

If you live in Florida, it's still 85 degrees outside during the day.

The palm trees don't lose their leaves. Palm trees don't even have leaves. If a palm tree changes color that means it has some kind of bizarre tree disease, not that autumn has come.

These simple facts lead many people to believe that it's easier to play football in the great state of Florida than in other, colder (I mean you, Wisconsin) places. Here are a few good reasons why it's harder to play football in Florida than anywhere else:

1. Gators. No, not the college football team, the large carnivorous reptile. I know, I know, there usually aren't alligators popping up on football fields at random, but it could happen. It's a safety thing.

2. Charlie Crist. Our governor is so distractingly bizarre looking that it's nearly impossible to pay attention to the game when he's in attendance. I mean, seriously, the guy looks like a freaking lizard.

3. Violent Crime. In the state of Florida a football player is more likely to receive a career ending injury in a shootout than on the field. Just wait, it'll only be a matter of months before players will be packing heat during games. If the corner gets beat deep, all he's gotta do is pull his nine and drop that mothafu... Oh, wait, inappropriate.

4. Hurricanes. No, I'm not talking about the giant storms, I'm talking about the football team. The Canes are dangerous and violent. I mean, have you ever been to Miami? Yeah, that's what I thought, you've been avoiding it. Miami is a scary place.

5. Hurricanes, again. This time I do mean the giant storms. Have you ever been in a hurricane? It's ridiculous! Imagine trying to convert a third and twelve in a hurricane. Nobody's ever tried, but that doesn't mean it's easy.

And these are the reasons that I believe it's harder to play football in the great state of Florida than anywhere else. Except maybe Green Bay Wisconsin. Only crazy people would choose to live there.

Sorry all of you folks from up there, but you are all nuts.