With the NBA season fast approaching, let's take a peek at how the 30 squads will compare to one another.
And for all you cinephiles out there, try to spot the movie reference accompanying each team—which should be about as difficult as making Manu Ginobli flop!
Atlantic Division
1. Boston Celtics, 58-24
With Rajon Rondo’s postseason ascension, a clever media takes to calling him, KG, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen the Fantastic 4. Following the script, Rondo, as the Invisible Woman, will end up marrying Garnett in this year’s sequel.
2. Philadelphia 76ers, 45-37
Looming larger than life in his new town, Philly fans and teammates look in awe at the terrifying Elton Brand. With zero fourth-quarter assists on the year, it’s apparent no one wants to take the Monster’s Ball, at least not with the game on the line.
3. Toronto Raptors, 43-39
Rumor has it Andrea Bargnani, the No. 1 pick from 2006, underwent an intense offseason workout regimen. Secretly, though, Bargnani has been training as an undercover assassin, as succeeding in the NBA is not something he ever really
Wanted—as evidenced by last season’s abysmal performance.
4. New Jersey Nets, 34-48
On a new squad and still utilizing incomprehensible English, Yi Jianlian continues his transformation into Wall-E by befriending one of the Continental Airlines Arena cockroaches—and, in a scientific find of the decade, inadvertently discovering actual vegetation in North Jersey.
5. New York Knicks, 12-70
Stephon Marbury’s downward spiral continues, as the point guard claims he goes spelunking in the nude, eats live pigeons before gamedays, and actually enjoyed The Happening. Somewhere, Freud and Isiah Thomas smile.
Central Division
1. Cleveland Cavaliers, 52-30
After a swift rebuke from Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, King James comes clean on his future in Cleveland. Will he stay? “Definitely, (Maybe).”
2. Detroit Pistons, 50-32
After Rasheed Wallace, Tayshaun Prince, and Rip Hamilton all retire to form a breakdance troupe, “The Motown Movers,” first-year Pistons coach Michael Curry looks to Rodney Stuckey to Step Up. Stuckey feels the beat, leading the Pistons back to the Eastern Conference Finals.
3. Chicago Bulls, 40-42
Seeking Atonement for last year’s horrific implosion, Joakim Noah offers to sacrifice his hair, turning it into some Hot Fuzz via blowtorch. (Oh man, two movies for the price of one Joakim Noah-has-awful-hair joke! Sweet!)
4. Milwaukee Bucks, 31-51
Still smarting from his team’s humiliating loss to the USA in the Olympics, Andrew Bogut, a native of Australia, retaliates by sending every member of the Redeem Team live crocodiles. And thus, the legacy of Steve Irwin lives on.
5. Indiana Pacers, 18-64
6 comments Last one added 9 months ago — Leave a Comment
Ben Thomason 9 months ago
These are some pretty awful predictions. Come on you've got New York only winning twelve games and then you think the clippers will win 60 games topping the Pacific and Phoenix only winning 28, you crazy. Then Orlando getting 31 wins. What makes you think these records are at all realistic?
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Casey Michel 9 months ago
Just as with the text, most of the predictions were hyperbole. But who knows - maybe the the Knicks will only win 12? I mean, did anyone see the C's winning 66, or the Bulls winning only 33, or the Bulls even the Blazers winning 41? There are always going to be surprises.
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Clement Uduk 9 months ago
I didn't really read this for the predictions. Just the movie tie ins. Casey, you still got it! Hurry the heck back from AussieLand
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Dave Morrison 9 months ago
I am not sure I believe that almost any of these records will actually happen, but it was a fun read!
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sam the fact checker 9 months ago
i dont agree with a lot of these predictoins...but i mean come on really...u really think the spurs will play 96 games in the regular season?!?!?...
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Casey Michel 9 months ago
Now THAT is a mathematical anomaly (editing....)
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