2011 NFL Mock Draft Top 10: Joke Edition
Around this time of year, we are bombarded with a never-ending tide of mock drafts and draft analysis as we prepare for the upcoming NFL draft. We predict, we hope and we wait as the teams prepare to make their picks.
However, news surrounding the NFL is heavy these days, so I think it's time to bring a little levity to the situation.
Without further ado, here is a mockery of a mock draft for 2011's first 10 picks.
1. Carolina Panthers: Mike Tyson
A surprising move to many, only a select few see the genius at work in the Panthers' decision to draft the former heavyweight champion.
"Mike's getting old sure," said a Panthers rep, "but the guy can still throw a hell of a punch, and we all know he's crazy. He'll scare the crap out of opposing teams. More importantly, he can take care of our locker room problem."
This is of course referring to Jimmy Clausen. The best part for the Panthers drafting Tyson is that he is sure to sucker punch Clausen right in his face.
Clausen is way too in love with himself, which will anger Tyson, leading to a good, solid beatdown. The Panthers hope this will knock some sense into the young quarterback and get him to shut up.
2. Denver Broncos: Cam Newton
Wait Cam Newton? By the same team that drafted Tim Tebow a year ago? Apparently it wasn't Josh McDaniels pulling the strings, and really its just some guy in the front office who loves running backs that can throw.
Sorry, I meant spread offense quarterbacks with powerful running skills. The public disparaging of Tebow was really just a ruse by John Elway, whose master plan is to confuse defenses by using both quarterbacks in the shotgun on every play.
That would be pretty cool...a righty QB AND a lefty QB who can both run in the backfield on every play? The defenses against them would have no clue what to do, that's for sure. They can even pass to each other in the backfield.
With Knowshon Moreno as the third Wildcat guy, that could actually work.
3. Buffalo Bills: Will Ferrell
Ever see the movie Kicking and Screaming? That is proof alone that Will Ferrell can turn the Bills franchise around. He took a soccer team full of losers with potential and made them into champions.
I love the Bills, but losers with potential sounds pretty accurate for them.
If Ferrell shows up with Mike Ditka and a butcher's van, the Bills are in business.
4. Cincinnati Bengals: Charlie Sheen
With all of the woes and misery the Bengals have suffered, management has decided it is time for a serious boost.
T.O is gone. The Carson Palmer situation is rapidly disintegrating. Ochocinco is still himself. With things looking so bad for Cinci, it seems that the Bengals are dead set on acquiring Charlie Sheen.
"He's got Tiger blood, so he's perfect to be a Bengal, which as you know is a type of Tiger," explained owner Mike Brown. "It's a match made in heaven."
That certainly makes sense, since the Bengals love to take troubled players, and Sheen coincidentally fits the mold perfectly for a troubled player. Drug problems, public outbursts and legal issues are the true mark of the Cincinnati Bengal.
Plus, the Bengals need some wins, and Charlie is bi-winning.
5. Arizona Cardinals: Kurt Warner
Kurt Warner retired last season. That should mean he is gone right? Well, Cardinals management is more savvy than some people would believe.
Knowing that Warner is not a flip-flopping attention diva like a certain other aging quarterback, the Cardinals needed some kind of insurance in case he decided to retire before they had his successor in place.
To that end, the Cardinal front office thought ahead and is sure to execute a little-known clause in Warner's contract, especially given the outcry from the fanbase over Max Hall and John Skelton.
The clause states that the Cardinals reserve the right during any offseason to re-draft the quarterback into the NFL if his replacement doesn't work out, with a penalty of multi-million dollar fines if he chooses not to comply.
Supposedly, Warner assumed at the time that Matt Leinart would be good enough to carry the torch. (Yet another person to be let down by the super-scrub.)
The clause also states that if Warner continuously refuses to cooperate, Dennis Green will show up at his house and "convince" him to come back and play. Everybody knows you don't mess with Dennis Green.
6. Cleveland Browns: Cloning Tank
The Browns have adopted a new strategy for the 2011 draft. Rather than spend their money on a risky venture for a new player, they are going to put every cent they have into getting a cloning tank for Peyton Hillis.
Hillis had a monster breakout year, but was also plagued by injury. Bringing in multiple clones will allow fresh assaults on the defense every few downs.
The cloning tank would also allow the Browns to play Hillis at every position on the field, since he is probably better than the rest of the roster at their own positions. With the possible exception of Colt McCoy.
What team could withstand the awesomeness of an endless onslaught of Peyton Hillis clones?
7. San Fransisco 49ers: Andrew Luck
Wait, wait. Andrew Luck didn't declare for the draft right? Correct, but Jim Harbaugh will stop at nothing to make sure that his protege quarterback from Stanford gets to play for him.
Even if that means trying to sneak Luck out on to the field when he was never eligible to begin with.
8. Tennessee Titans: Psychologist for Vince Young
Vince Young had such a promising start to his career. Now with everything that's happened, he has fallen considerably off the map. Between bouts of supposed depression, fights with his coach and throwing his pads into the stands, clearly Young just needs somebody to talk to.
If the Titans draft him a psychologist, they might yet keep their franchise quarterback.
9. Dallas Cowboys: Ryan Mallett
Much to the dismay of their fans, the Cowboys and Ryan Mallett will become one in 2011. Though better prospects Cam Newton, Blaine Gabbert and Christian Ponder would be available, not to mention that the Cowboys still have Tony Romo and Jon Kitna, Jerry Jones wants Ryan Mallett.
The sorry thing for Dallas fans is that there is nobody to counteract Jones in his mad rampage.
"Jerry knows best. Ryan Mallett is the best prospect out there. He went to Arkansas, which as you know is my alma mater. You know he must be great because he went to the same school as me. Screw your Tim Tebow. Ryan Mallett will look great on my jumbotron." Jones allegedly said
Didn't understand the above quote? Think about the people who have to talk to Jerry Jones every day.
10. Washington Redskins: Kris Jenkins
"Write up a $50 million, four year contract now!" Screamed Dan Snyder at his front office staff. "We have to grab Jenkins while he's available!"
No amount of persuasion could convince Snyder to maybe consider anyone else. He wants to stay within his realm of expertise.
That means signing fat has-beens with no notable achievements who are injury prone and then completely overpaying them.