NFL Offseason 2011: Titletown, Collective Bargaining and Too Much Free Time

Jacqueline Moen-KadlecContributor IIIApril 2, 2011

Remember being happy, football fans?
Remember being happy, football fans?Matt Ludtke/Getty Images

Greetings from the frozen tundra, friends! 

I hope you all made it through April Fool's Day without a major international incident.  While I did not have an international incident, I had great fun with, and at my friend's expense.  Too much free time to me means making a friend a balloon Fabio.  Don't ask.

Any who, I woke up this morning, thinking to myself, "Self, there is just something missing in your life...  True, it is the offseason.  But this union thing in the NFL is really just frightening.  The thought of no football season makes my football-watching, brat-eating soul wither and weep..." 

Yes, I do have such deep thoughts at 5 am or whenever my dog starts howling hysterically to go out.

So, in the spirit of a furry Norwegian girl who loves football with too much free time on her hands, I have decided to look at what COULD have been if a CBA had been reached prior to the deadline.  Let us journey, friends, into the land of make believe for a few minutes.

Hey, who couldn't use a break from reality from awhile?  I am offering you a cost effective (free! who doesn't like FREE?) way of breaking from reality that doesn't result in a hangover or police involvement.  While drinking may seem fun to some, the idea of potentially ending up in jail after dancing down the streets of your home town in a purple tutu should be a natural deterrent as to why this is probably a bad idea.  I'm just throwing that out there for you as an option.

While this may or may not have occurred recently, I suggest you have bail money ready if you do plan dancing down the streets in a purple tutu, a good option for spending your free time.

Imagine, it is now April 3, 2011, in Jacqueline's fuzzy, green and gold world.  The Green Bay Packers are the Super Bowl Champs. Aaron Rodgers appeared on Letterman and Ellen, showing that he has common sense,a good sense of humor, the patience of a saint and some mad skills as a dancer on Ellen.

Yes, Mr. Rodgers, yet another Brett Favre question will more than likely be asked...  Is anyone else waiting for the day when the Super Bowl MVP finally snaps and just starts spilling his guts, like a case of Brett Favre-related Tourette's Syndrome?  While I stated that Mr. Aaron Rodgers seems to have a good deal of class and patience, I would not, in the least bit, blame him if he did have a moment.

My mental image of this happens something like this:  Aaron Rodgers appears on a talk show, the question is asked, "What do you think that Brett Favre would do in this situation, Aaron?"  Aaron's eyes widen slightly, a slight tic develops in his cheek and he suddenly starts screaming expletives. And for some reason, I have the noises the Tasmanian Devil makes as how the conversation would sound. 

It's been a long day, friends.  Bare with me.  And give Mr. Aaron Rodgers the credit he deserves.

Clay Matthews continued to show that not only can he dominate on the field but he has made the media his, well, you know what... 

I could probably get in trouble for printing the word so perhaps we could play a game of fill in the blank?

Women everywhere are probably running and screaming like hysterical girls after Mr. Clay Matthews, after viewing the Muscle Milk commercial.  While the Muscle Milk commercial is somewhat disturbing in its own right (am I alone in thinking that the interviewer in the commercial is creepy?), the mental image of screaming hordes of women chasing down a probably initially flattered, but increasingly annoyed, football player may be more disturbing. Imagine the Beatles in the 1960's and you have your mental image... 

Have you not seen the dude tackle?  Do you want to tempt fate?  Jeez...

In my fuzzy, green and gold world, Wisconsin did not explode into political unrest which caused the state Senate Democrats to go on the lam for weeks on end.  Teachers did not have to protest at the Capital building in Madison, schools were not closed and children did not run amok until the schools reopened. 

I live in Western Wisconsin, friends, where a high number of people are direct descendants from actual Vikings...  And not the purple and yellow wearing Vikings either.  Our ancestors took great joy in pillaging and conquering, much like the Packers in the playoffs and the Super Bowl.  Do you really need me to tell you how dangerous it is for our children to not be in school?

Additionally, bargaining rights would not be stripped from the unions...

The citizens of Wisconsin would be celebrating still, happy to have the Lombardi Trophy back in Green Bay.  Pride in the Green Bay Packers would be at an all-time high, with people hugging in the streets whenever they see a fellow fan (who are easily identified by their Super Bowl gear, Green Bay Packer tattoos, and smiles on their faces).  Cheese, beer, and brats would be handed out to people in the streets, like cups of water during races.

Hey, I live in Wisconsin, friends.  One can dream.

The NFL owners and players would reach an agreement that both sides are comfortable with.  NFL fans, ecstatic that an agreement was reached, would wake up with the birds chirping and the sun shining, an easy calm spreading across the land.  No lawsuit, no player arrests because they are really focusing on football, no problems...

Ahh...  What a nice scenario, right?

Have a good week, and think fuzzy green and gold thoughts.