ATTN: Coach Reid
(c/o Philadelphia Eagles)
I can’t do this publicly because, well, our fans scare me. If they saw this they’d probably melt the darn Internet. Plus, we apparently just spent a lot of time and money awesoming up our website and stuff, so I don’t want to irritate the marketing guys while things are going so good.
So just between you and me…I hear they’re putting some pressure on you to win this weekend. Don’t worry about it. I don't think we have a chance.
After all, Las Vegas isn’t exactly in the business of being wrong.
And then there’s your McNabb guy and his friggin’ regenerated arm. Man’s not only hitting the barn these days, he’s knocking the damn thing over. Lordy. What’d you guys do, build him one of those hyperbaric chambers what’s-his-face from The X Files used for his modeling hand in Zoolander?
Oh, and don’t even try it. I know your B. Westbrook punked my B. Westbrook. I know your B. Westbrook will play, the goddamit-he’s-not-that-fast-but-there-he-goes-again bastige.
(Sorry about the language.)
And hey, you may be 2-2, but you’re the best damn 2-2 team in football. I saw how you had Dallas beat down there too—you just fumbled it away. I hear one of my predecessor's teams' did that one year. They still aren't over it. And then, even without your B. Westbrook, I saw where you come up just shy of beating Chicago in Chicago. But for another couple inches, right?
Heh. That’s what she said.
And I guess you heard, Shawn Springs is hurt. That more or less, you know, sucks for us. With that guy healthy, our secondary—heck, the whole defense—has pretty much been cash money. Without him, well—
"Oh hey Greg. This? Nothing…just, um, my shopping list for the way home. Yeah. What're you gonna do? Okay cool. Yup. See ya then."
Man that was close. Dude scares me.
Then there’s this whole turnover thing. I hate to jinx it by talking about it, but man … four games in and my QB hasn’t really come close to throwing any picks. And we haven’t even coughed any fumbles up in traffic. What are the chances? I'm guessing The Turnover Demon must be hungry by now. Bummer.
And speaking of chances, my kickoff coverage has had me puckering on the sidelines all year. I mean, when they’re good, they’re good, but they’ve also left some gaping seams guys have flown toward but just gotten tripped up. Had my buttcheeks clenching once or twice, I don’t mind sayin’. And now you’ve got that rookie with the sprinter’s speed? Just great.
You probably saw where my dreadlock rookie (you’ll love this—when Blache first introduced me to the kid, we shook hands and I was, like, “Hello son. Zorn.” So he goes, “Good to meet you. Horton.” And I’m like…“Who?” And quick as a flash he says, “I heard that.” It was great.) Anyway, those four turnovers he bagged to the league voted him DROM? I know you know better from the film. Heck, I hadta sit the kid down in the second half last week. So tell McNabb to please go easy on the kid. Doughty, too. No really.
We aren’t exactly last year's regular season Patriots (what's the latest word on Bill's blood pressure, btw?), you know. My guys are saying all the right things and all, but geez…what are the chances they can muster up the energy, focus and general kickassedness necessary to win TWO in a row, in the NFC East, on the road? To say nothing of me trying to out-think that dude ya got running your defense. What’s his problem, anyway? Some quarterback beat him up when he was a kid?
It wasn't as easy as it looked down there in Big D, lemme tell ya. There at the end? I was so concerned I had to turn off my iPod to yell at Cooley for not going up for the ball on the onsides kick. Did you see that? You think his blog's interesting now, let me tell you what, it'd have interesting to read after I got through with him THIS week if that Cowboy could actually catch.
Well, this is probably long enough, so I’ll sign off. Best to the missus and I'll look forward to seeing you on Sunday. Even though I should hardly bother making the trip what with everything we’re facing.
Ah well. Life as a head coach, right?
PS. Sorry, meant to send this earlier. Forgot while rushing off to practice. Tell you what, that was one helluva ...
You know everything I said before? We're coming anyway.
Bring a lunch.