Carlos Zambrano's legend in Chicago hinges on his pitching performance Thursday in Game Two of the NLDS.
Zambrano has the opportunity to lift the entire Cub Nation out of despair and revitalize their hope of winning the World Series in 2008. On the other hand, he could crush the hopes and dreams the fans have had for a first World Series Championship since 1908.
Scenario 1: Carlos "Cra-Z" Zambrano
In a Ryan Dempster-like encore performance, Carlos Zambrano has a harder time finding the strike zone than Helen Keller. Flirting with disaster for a few innings, Zambrano ultimately gives up an untimely hit, leading to a big-run inning for the Dodgers.
In the midst of getting boo-ed off the field, Zambrano goes Bobby Brown on a Gatorade cooler. During the altercation, Zambrano hurts his throwing arm, and becomes the new "Mark Prior" for the Chicago Cubs, while also replacing Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable 2, as Mr. Glass.
The Chicago Cubs, their fans, and the city never recover from the devastation. A new stage is added to the Five Stages of Grieving, titled, "Being a Cubs Fan".
The city of Chicago is too tortured to remember to vote, thus causing John McCain to be elected President. Eventually, McCain dies in office, Sarah Palin takes over and moves the Nation's capital to Fairbanks, Alaska. Finally, in our weakened state, we are overtaken by Canada.
Scenario 2: Carlos "No-No" Zambrano
Zambrano has a Freddie Prinze Jr. moment from Summer Catch, where everything falls into place, and he pitches the perfect game. The Chicago Cubs scrape out a victory, then go on to win the series and ultimately the World Series.
Overjoyed with a World Series, people in Chicago buy exuberant amounts of memorabilia and alcohol, thus rejuvenating our economy. Our country enters a period of economic prosperity.
Spurred by the heightened economy, a proper investigation of the Chinese Women's Gymnastic team reveals they were underage, passing their gold medals on to the United States Women's Gymnastic team. Embarrassed, China completes the Great Wall, prohibiting anybody from leaving the country.
No pressure Zambrano. Not only does your team depend on you, but so do the fans, Chicago, and the country.
Like the new article format? Send us feedback!