NFL Offseason 2011: How Players Should Not Be Spending Their Free Time
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Greetings from the Frozen Tundra, friends. We are back to winter in Wisconsin. I have woken up to sleet, freezing rain, and therefore, by default ice this week. I have driven to work, white knuckles gripping the steering wheel, praying.
For some odd reason, "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice seemed to be the theme song for the week. And really, it's almost over...winter that is.
The lockout, however, remains.
One of the most interesting parts of the lockout is the NFL's Personal Conduct Policy. Different reports state that the Personal Conduct Policy is either in effect with the Lockout, or isn't.
Either way, let us take a look at how NFL players should probably not be spending their free time.
If you are a NFL player, you should probably not be pulled over and have large amounts of codeine in your vehicle. Yes, Johnny Jolly, I am talking to you.
In case you haven't heard, Johnny Jolly was arrested in Houston, Texas on March 25 after being pulled over for a traffic violation. Police discovered that Jolly was driving on a suspended license, which is a definite "no-no."
The second, and biggest, no-no? 600 grams of codeine was also allegedly discovered in the vehicle. Jolly was arrested and charged with felony drug possession.
Oddly enough, Jolly was arrested and charged in 2008 for a similar incident. Instead, of 600 grams of codeine, Jolly only had 200 grams.
In the 2008 case, Jolly was on a pretrial diversion, which basically means if you meet the conditions specified by the diversion agreement, you don't go to jail (in simple terms). However, being arrested for the same charge, while on a deferred prosecution? Not a wise move, my friend.
To all the NFL players: if you feel the need to drink "purple drank" or "sizzurp," please attach a picture of Jolly to your medicine cabinet or wherever you keep your codeine stash to remember WHY you should not do this (other than for obvious reasons that it could potentially kill you or cause brain damage...).
Scenario No. 2
If you are a NFL player, you do not need to hire prostitutes when you feel the the need to get "frisky." Does everyone remember the incident with the Minnesota Vikings players who allegedly hired women for entertainment for a boat cruise in 2005?
Or how about more recently, Lawrence Taylor? Even though he is retired, this should also serve as a friendly reminder that this is probably not a good idea all the way around.
If six years of probation sounds like something that you may not enjoy, it's probably a good idea to "know" (in a biblical sense) women who are not charging for time spent with you.
Scenario No. 3
In addition to scenario No. 2, if you are a NFL player, please make sure that any time spent with women who are not charging you for "alone time" is also consensual.
Brandon Underwood pleaded no contest in a Sauk County (Wisconsin) Circuit Court for one count of misdemeanor prostitution and was fined $379 stemming from an incident that occurred in Lake Delton in 2010.
Underwood stated that the sexual contact was consensual, the women stated it was assault. An investigation occurred, DNA swabs were taken and this is the result.
This is just one example that did not occur during the lockout, but should serve as a friendly reminder that this is not a good idea.
Other allegations of sexual misconduct are Ben Roethlisberger and Perrish Cox. Look, there isn't enough time, nor paper, to list all of the people who have faced sexual assault allegations.
Whether they were proven or not, this is just simply not a good idea.
Scenario No. 4
If you are a NFL player, please remember that this is the age of cell phones and nearly every cell phone has a camera app. If you are drunk in public, and acting a fool, please believe that picture is going to end up on the Internet.
Perhaps you should focus on helping little, elderly ladies cross the street, or reading a book to school children, or helping to rescue a baby kitten from a tree.
Maybe you can get some endorsement deals (hello! Clay Matthews and Muscle Milk?). Any of these options would be better for your public image than a drunken, crazy football player photo on the Internet.
Leave the drinking to who it should be left to: the fans, because there's a lockout.
If you would like, I could post drunken photos of myself online for you to realize that "Hey, this might not be a good idea." A nearly 6'0'', furry Norwegian woman, drunk, is truly a sight to behold and one that is remembered for years to come.
Your body is a temple (or jungle gym, as stated in the Muscle Milk commercial with Matthews), and your source of employment (and not in the "biblical sense").
My body is built for drinking Old Milwaukees and consuming brats. Please believe I know my role.
Scenario No. 5
If you are a NFL player, make it a goal that getting TASER-ed should not be one of your goals for the offseason.
Everson Griffen from the Minnesota Vikings, this one goes out to you.
If you are pulled over for a traffic violation, or even a routine traffic stop, make sure that you:
1) Have ID
2) Produce ID
3) Do not take off on foot
4) Do not assault an officer of the law while fleeing on foot (allegedly).
You guys are, for the most part, a lot bigger and faster than normal human beings. Therefore, any and all tools to take bigger and faster people down may be utilized.
If being shocked by 1,200 volts of electricity, which may result in you relieving your bodily functions, does not sound like your idea of a good time, please ensure that you do not have law enforcement involvement which results in a felony assault to a law enforcement officer charge.
If you are tased, in public, you know someone is going to take a picture of you wetting your pants. This will end up on the Internet (please see Scenario Four), and will be a great topic of conversation for ticked off NFL fans.
In closing, I am not advising the players to stay away from women or alcohol or other areas where they could get into trouble. I am, however, requesting that everyone remember that a lot of people look up to you guys.
Please remember that in your offseason.
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