"The Ultimate Fighter" Meets "The Surreal Life"

         With the UFC's bizarre endorsement of a Mark Coleman-Mauricio Rua rematch, I got another one of my great ideas. And heres a disclaimer for those of you hoping to read something serious: stop reading right now. Go toke opium and read Toffler or something. I wont be offended. Really.

      OK, so you have Coleman-Shogun 2. Kevin "Kimbo Slice" Ferguson is scheduled to execute Ken Shamrock's corpse on national TV this weekend. Just last week, Jeff Monson fought a decomposing Mark Kerr, which clearly should have been criminally investigated by the FBI. In his last few fights, Don Frye has moved around about as fluidly as Verne Troyer. I mean, I love Don Frye. I think he's a legend and a pioneer of the sport. But there isn't a fork on this planet large enough to resemble the one sticking out of his back. Even Cheech Marin isn't that washed up.

      The question is, how do these guys keep getting fights against semi-top to top competition? I'm not talking about antiques like Dan Severn, who basically like to stay active and enjoy key-locking neighborhood dads for sport. There's certainly nothing wrong with that. But to answer my previous question, it's because these guys are marketable. Why? It certainly can't be because of the way they've performed recently. So that leaves the personality factor.

Shamrock is always good for some WWE-esque "you think you're bleeping tough?" bravado, and the always-entertaining ability to go to sleep in the ropes for exactly one second, then flip out like George Brett in the Pine Tar Game when the ref stops it.

Mark Kerr is a walking apocalypse; he should just go ahead and film "The Smashing Machine 2: Seriously, I lost to Oleg Taktarov? OLEG TAKTAROV?!?" at this point. Everybody loves a good tragedy, I guess. (Note: Kerr has become particularly jarring to watch because we all know he's such a nice guy. He couldn't feasibly be more washed up. Or psychologically destroyed, for that matter. Other than that, he's pretty good. )

And Don Frye? Do I even need to tell you? The guys' a comedy goldmine. Anybody who has seen or read "Dear Don" knows exactly what I'm talking about. Was there anyone who didn't love "Dear Don"? Anyone? This man clearly needs his own show.

      For those of you scoring at home, that brings me to my idea. I have always believed that no one can decide when it is time for an athlete to retire except for the athlete himself. Even when it's tough to watch their reflexes pull an Exit Stage Right. Still, it is ultimately the athletes call. And as long as that's true, why not even the competition a bit AND showcase personalities as well? Think "The Ultimate Fighter" mixed with "The Surreal Life". You take eight fighters with the desire to shine one last time (we'll get to them in a minute) and you stick all of them in a big ass house filled with alcohol, Cuban cigars and even a private Champagne Room ("Don Frye in the Champagne Room" would be a good name for a band). In an "every man for himself" format, you have them compete in random challenges. Like, you bring in the guy who figured out that Rocky Marciano, pound for pound, hit harder than anyone else in recorded history. You bring him in, and you have him run the same tests on all eight fighters, three punches per fighter. Who would hit the hardest? Or you send the guys out into the street to try to drum up attention for themselves...lets say each of them hosts a private seminar, whoever has the most people show up wins. Then whoever is in the bottom two has to fight two 5 minute rounds, and the loser has to dress up like Gary Goodridge's sister and wave at passing cars for an hour. Stuff like that.

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