NHL: 10 Sure-Fire Predictions or Your Money Back!

Ryan Senior Writer IMarch 14, 2017

I've been rather dormant lately in the NHL section, what with all the season previews flying up left and right. So instead of going that route, I'm going to give you ten sure-fire, can't-miss-or-your-money back predictions for this season.

(Note: If I'm wrong, send me your information and I'll be sure to mail you a check for $0.00 right away.)

Without further ado:

10.)Zdeno Chara, in an attempt to make himself a household name, like Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin, stars in "Czech This: My Giant 2" opposite Chevy Chase. The movie is a smash success, but after an on-set romance with Elisha Cuthbert, Chara is mowed down by Dion Phaneuf on the street, his career in serious jeopardy.

9.)"Sean Avery" becomes the answer to the question "Want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?" as posed by Llyod in "Dumb and Dumber."

8.) Gary Bettman, in an effort to get the attention of the "Urban" demographic, mandates a new dress code featuring baggy pants, shirts reaching to the knees, and Jordans. This rule is later retracted after the Staal brothers are arrested at a strip club for drunken, disorderly conduct and "making it rain" on the dancers.  What, exactly, was rained upon the dancers is unknown.

7.) After the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup in June, photos surface of the Devil sporting a Mats Sundin jersey. His response? "It is getting a bit chilly down here."

6.) Carey Price, Montreal's sophomore sensation of a goaltender, gives up eight goals in a game against Detroit before being pulled. He vows to never play for the franchise again and is traded away for practically nothing, winning two Stanley Cups with his new club. This would be an exciting precedent, right?

5.)Jim Balsillie, angry over being denied the right to purchase an NHL team, invades the owners meetings Rambo-Style. He is injured crashing through the windows, however, and can't go through with his plan to wipe out everyone and reign supreme.

4.) Mats Sundin will begin thinking about where he might want to play in February, but will become distracted when asked what he would like for breakfast by his wife, extending the wait another six months.

3.) Futile franchises Florida and Columbus combine to form the NHL's least-watched Stanley Cup Finals.  The final attendance figures for the compelling six-game series? 18.

2.) To gain the sport more exposure and attention, the league will start breeding super players. That being said, next year's scoring champion will be Alexney Crosbechkin.

1.) Gary Bettman and David Stern will cut into every television feed in North America, proclaiming their master plan to ruin the NHL complete! At this point, Stern will stop laughing and off Bettman execution style, citing no further need of him.