Scientists: Bengals' Ocho Cinco Throwing Off Galaxy's Gravitational Balance
Scientists have recently made an unbelievable discovery about the human ego which was previously thought to be impossible. Cincinnati Bengals' wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco has apparently allowed his ego to become so large that it now has its own gravitational force in the universe.
"Last year, we noticed something rather odd about the orbit of a number of planets." Explains renowned astronomer Bill Craig. "As we studied the strange changes in these planets' orbits, we quickly realized that our planet seemed to be the source of a number of never-before-seen forces acting on these planets.
"The more we studied the planets and their orbits, the more we noticed that this strange new gravitational force coming from planet Earth was slowly getting stronger and stronger. Then, from one day to the next, it intensified in its strength so greatly that all of the planets in our solar system, and even our sun, began revolving around us." Craig recalled.
As the study intensified, more scientists were called to try to explain the strange new phenomenon. Soon enough, a sports fan, Roger Smith, was recruited to help out with the cause. It was Roger, born and raised in Cincinnati, who helped shed some light on the situation.
"I was asked to help with the investigation a few weeks before planet Earth became the center of the universe," Smith told reporters in the recent press conference that the newly named "Cosmos 85" team called to explain their findings. "When I got to work and was told that we had become the center of the solar system over night, I immediately remembered that Chad Johnson had legally changed his name to 'Ocho Cinco' the day before. I just put two and two together."
When approached by Smith with this hypothesis, Craig shrugged off the notion.
"I initially thought his idea was ludicrous. How could a man's ego have caused all this? I told him it was impossible."
Smith persisted, however, until Craig agreed to allow him to look into his theory. After a few weeks of intense calculations, Smith shocked Craig with the results. The source of the new gravitational force coming from Earth was emanating from Chad Ocho Cinco.
"I tried to ignore it at first, but the facts are all there. This man's ego has gotten so big that it now holds its own gravitational force in our galaxy." Craig admitted.
This finding, claims Smith, has enormous implications. He suggests that this may help explain a number of currently unexplained phenomena.
"Global warming, for example. Up until now, we've been blaming President Bush for allowing the Earth to get this warm. Turns out, it may instead be a result of the galaxy's new orbiting patterns. If the sun's new orbit is only a few hundred feet closer to us than its previous orbit, our planet would definitely warm up more than most people would think. Global warming could simply be a result of the shifting orbits of our sun and the other planets in our galaxy." Smith expained at the press conference.
Ocho Cinco was thrilled when reporters asked him for comments.
"I think everyone loves me more than anything!" Ocho Cinco exclaimed with a big, gold smile.
"In a way, I think Ocho Cinco has finally gotten what he's wanted for so long," Smith said of Ocho Cinco. "The universe is literally revolving around him."
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