NCAA Bracket 2011: A Joke Writer Looks at the NCAA Tournament

Costaki Economopoulos@@FunnyCostakiContributor IIMarch 18, 2011

LAS VEGAS, NV - MARCH 12:  Jimmer Fredette #32 of the Brigham Young University Cougars gets away from Billy White #32 of the San Diego State Aztecs during the championship game of the Conoco Mountain West Conference Basketball tournament at the Thomas & Mack Center March 12, 2011 in Las Vegas, Nevada. San Diego State won 72-54.  (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Ethan Miller/Getty Images

The NCAA Tournament is in full swing.  It’s not my favorite sport, but you have to admit the tourney is fun.  And at the end, there’s an undisputed national champion.  Are you listening, college football?

They call it The Big Dance.  They managed to name it something else that white guys struggle with.

In high school, I went to The Big Dance.  It wasn’t that fun.  I was standing along the wall, too afraid to move.   I certainly didn’t “make the Sweet 16”.

Making the Sweet 16?  Sounds like something you’d get in trouble for at BYU.

The tournament was the brainchild of Kansas coach Phog Allen, who won three college national championships in 1922, 1923, and 1952.  How does somebody named “Fog” have a 29-year dry spell?

From 1939-50, only eight teams played.  What a short tournament.  It wasn’t called March Madness.  It was called “March 12”.

The team with most championships is UCLA, with 11.  One more ring, and they’ll tie Larry King.

No 16 seed has ever won a game in the tournament.  It’s such a guaranteed loss that this year, all 16 seeds wore shirts that said “Palin 2012”.

We always hear about a Cinderella team.  What a dumb parallel.  She can’t play basketball.  She only has one shoe.  And it’s got a heel.

Snow White definitely never won; she’s got seven dwarves on her team.

They should call the upstart the Jack and the Bean Stalk Team.  That team at least has giants.  And it all started with ONE SEED.

It’s a ritual for the winning team to cut down the net at the end of the game.  As a dad, this whole tradition strikes me as a bad idea.  You’re dizzy from winning.  Now you’re on a ladder with scissors?  No, we need a safer tradition.  Let’s a get a green jacket or drink some milk.  Something safe.

The champions receive the Siemens Trophy.  I thought they gave that out at the Adult Entertainment Awards.

USC has never won it.  The Trojans have never captured the Siemens.

Teams that win the 28 conference tournaments receive automatic berths. Which is the best kind of birth.  Way better than vaginal or C-section.

It’s automatic.  Go to bed, wake up, a selection committee made it happen.

A “selection committee” sounds like a woman’s friends.

“She likes me, but I didn’t pass the selection committee…”

I got snubbed.  But I did get to show her my coaches poll.

The teams that get in without winning their conference are known as at-large selections, which are also available at Lane Bryant.

Costaki Economopoulos and contributor Keith Alberstadt are both great stand up comics.  Check them out.