I tell you, if there’s one good thing that can come from this lovely credit crisis that has half of Wall Street shitting itself, while the other half is trying to pry open the suicide-proof windows in their hideously opulent offices, then it is the ever so slim, but oh so titillating prospect that golf may one day soon vanish from the Earth.
Now that Congress killed the $700 billion bailout plan, those dues at the country club might become too much of a sacrifice for the Jones family, or what’s left of it, after Father decided to take his pride with his investments and drop like Oedipus’ hard-on right before he gouged his eyes out.
‘Cause let’s face it, even with the golden parachutes these families will most certainly receive from the Government, that took their money from the same people who Pop-Pop’s investment bank has been taking money from since before the dawn of time, there won’t be any time for Golf while they’re busy immigrating to Cuba to make off with the rest of whatever the next Bailout is going to provide these elitist bastards.
Hell, businessmen of the new millennium pre-depression age might even decide to embrace a more modern and original form of suicide than hopping out a window (and let’s face it, they might have to, as a lot of the fat bastards probably couldn’t even fit through the frames).
For instance, what if one of those Rush Limbaugh types finally decides to swallow the entire bottle of Oxicotin before they’ve had their morning glory?
Or how about if Ted Turner set himself aflame outside the Pentagon, an act, which would only make the ticker tape headlines at the bottom of the screen because Larry King was too busy shuffling into eternity via an overdose of Garlique on live TV?
But what if thousands of business men somberly trudged into the afterlife wearing plaid shorts, their favorite Lacoste polo shirt and a nine Iron in a massive Heaven’s Gate-esque suicidal orgy with the help a shot of arsenic mixed in with their already repugnant Arnold Palmers, clogging those once verdant cathedrals of grotesque capitalist excess into an ultra-exclusive graveyard?
Think of it, we could even start some sort of public works initiative that would employ thousands in an effort to remove the top 5 percent of our nation's income and wealth from sandtraps and the murmuring banks of water obstacles. Hell, I’d do it for free!
Just think of what we could do with all of that space! We could make things like nature preserves, parks for children, farmland, even just ignore the space altogether.
I would personally turn every golf course in this country into giant drive-in movie theatre, so that I could park my Prius on some suit named Ford’s final resting place while I try to remove his daughter’s bra.
All the while, we'll watch pirated DVDs on a massive projector that shines upon the driving range fence where old Papa Ford once wasted a substantial portion of his life avoiding his family, and envying his business partners’ reportedly massive genitals.
But how liberating would it be to know that thousands of acres of land could possibly be wrested from the vicious clenched fists of this nations “elite” knowing that they could no longer enjoy their favorite pastime of beating the hell out of a tiny little ball while planning how they will repeatedly rape the culture and pocketbooks of those with less money, and better things to do with their time.
Golf would in no way be a loss to our society. It is an elitist game that makes a complete embarrassment of itself by masquerading as a sport. It’s boring. It takes up utterly too much space, and the only people who play it are professional douche-bags.
But why wait until the economy collapses? Why don’t we take matters into our own hands and do away with golf, do away with the suits, and bring on my drive-in movie theatres. I’ll bring the popcorn!
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2 months ago
Lol. Nice one!
The economy has actually been affecting golf in America for some time. The number of golfers in the country has remained stagnant and even slightly declined in the past 8 years.
The middle-upper middle class used to be able to afford luxuries such as playing golf - whether that be the upper-middle class joining a country club or the middle class playing golf on public courses on the weekend.
Unfortunitely over the past 8 years the middle class has declined and is heading towards the brink of extinction thus taking away an entire massive class of people who used to be able to afford the luxury of playing golf.
As our wealth declines and our middle class dissappears completely while wealth increases in countries such as China, India, Australia, etc. we will begin to see more and more PGA Tour golfers from these countries and less from America.
2 months ago
This was a good try at causing an uproar amongst golfers. The problem was that your spelling and run-on sentences have made an unreadable mess. Maybe you need to hire an english tudor or at least find a competent editor.
from 2 months ago
Again, J. Michael, you amaze me. First of all, I posted this article at 4:00 AM and I was drunk. Second of all, don't tell someone they that they have an insufficient grasp of the English language by suggesting that they seek the assistance of a "tudor" unless of course you want me to go and dig up the bones of old Henry VIII, but I don't think he'd be of much use.
And furthermore, why would I try and incite and uproar amongst the golf community? If you notice there is a humor tag on this article, meaning its a fucking joke big guy. I could not care less what golfers think about this article, or anything.
from 2 months ago
The difference is that comments do not have spell check, but articles do. Being drunk is certainly a good excuse for this ;-)
2 months ago
oh, no - u know what- all the big guys who play golf and the people with the money that is the boardroom guys will go on playing golf
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