Top 10 TNA Knockouts; Angelina Love, Velvet Sky & TNA's "Other" Beautiful People
Let me preface this slideshow by admitting I'm less Chippendale and more Chip-A-Hoy Dancer these days. So writing critically of women who, if they deigned to so much as give me the time a day, would cause me to stain my shorts like middle schoolers at a Charlie Sheen pool party is a bit of a reach.
Nonetheless when your sports entertainment niche puts you in direct comparison with the likes of WWE Divas such as Kelly Kelly, Maryse, and Michelle McCool- women so gorgeous it's hard to believe I'm of the same species- you're bound to come under a harsh light.
Therefore, like winning the French Medal of Honor or claiming the highest SAT score on "The Jersey Shore" being named Top TNA Knockout falls within the purview of being "Damned by Faint Praise". Still someone's got to rate these women...and I'm just the drunken misogynist for the job.
From Paul Burchill's Pirate "Booty" in WWE to Winter in TNA Katie Lea brings a smoldering sensuality to the ring. Problem is a British accent makes one sound like either the wealthy dowager from a Marx Bros. movie or a two-bit Cockney streetwalker. Katie Lea tends toward the latter, "Gentleman" Chris Adams the former.
#9 Velvet Sky
She belongs to a faction called The Beautiful People, is young, fit and dresses like an Evangelical's nightmare. Still, like those Entemann's Mini Muffin Packs or an episode of "My Name Is Earl", Velvet Sky leaves me expecting more. Also once dated The Hurricane, which just rubs me and Mighty Molly the wrong way.
Was named Miss Galaxy in 1998 which frankly sounds like a made up title from a 1960s sitcom. Today, at 40, she's wrestling's version of Donovan McNabb- still functional, but the Law of Diminishing Returns (not to mention Gravity) is catching up. She is however proficient in Jiu Jitsu, legit broke the noses of both Candice Michelle and Michelle McCool and once wrestled as the "Head Bitch in Charge", so I think I'll save the rest of my snarky puns for others.
#7 Traci Brooks
Now a former Knockout, but the first to pose for Playboy, though the spread never made it to print. Would've ranked higher, but once lost a bikini contest to...Eric Young. Still she has a voice so husky it should be pulling a sled, and that plus two other, shall we say "husky", assets bring her in at #7.
#6 Madison Rayne
Dropped out of college with a 4.0 GPA in Radiology by telling her parents, "there's always time to get a degree, but only one chance to join the Minnesota Home Wrecking Crew". Shared the Tag Team Belts with both Angelina Love and Velvet Sky under the "Freebird Rule", which fortunately didn't require us to be subjected to a reprisal of Michael Hayes singing "Bad Street, Atlanta GA".
The poor man's Melina. Sarita has wrestled extensively in Canada and on the grueling Mexican Luchadore circuit. WWE Diva Maryse, on the other hand, is a former Hawaiian Tropic model with really nice implants. Guess who has more followers on Twitter? Then again maybe I've got her mixed up with Rosita...it's all so confusing.
#4 Lacey Von Erich
From the notoriously difficult and unstable Von Erich family. She's been released by the WWE, bolted TNA in November and has never been known as top notch worker. In other words she seems like high maintenance- sorta wrestling's version of Sharon Stone. But in my mind she'll always be shy, sweet and just a little bit vulnerable...then again I've got problems.
#3 Taylor Wilde
Her contract was allowed to lapse in December, she announced her retirement in January and has nowhere near the overt sex appeal that others on this list exude. Still there's something about her youthful exuberance and fresh-faced good looks that gives me a warm feeling inside-kinda like I just had a steaming bowl of Wheatena. Either I'm an old softy or creepy pervert. Either way she's my #3.
#2 Angelina Love
It's ironic that I've always viewed women with "enhancements" and professional wrestling in the same light. I mean I know what I'm seeing is not completely real, but I enjoy it just the same. Some may take exception with Love facially, however body-wise she's one incredibly tight package. A career minor leaguer with WWE she found her niche in TNA playing a character cockier than John Holmes on Enzyte. Implants and attitude, it all works for me to the tune of #2.
#1 Christy Hemme
She's been a Hooters Girl, a dancer on "The Man Show", played QB in the Lingerie Bowl and appeared in the Trace Adkins video "Honkytonk Badonkadonk" so she obviously has a talent for turning heads. Recently underwent Neuro Cranial Restructuring which added an inch to her height. No word on whether she's had Neuro Chesticular Restructuring, but there may be a few inches added there as well. An expression of moral outrage supposedly got her bounced from the WWE like Roman Polanski from a Girl Scout meeting, but Vince's loss is TNA's gain. Thanks for the viewing and let us know who you think is #1.