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NBA: Defending the Criami Heat

Stan SillimanCorrespondent IIMarch 11, 2011

NBA: Defending the Criami Heat

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    A few Miami Heat players may have sobbed in the locker room after losing to the Bulls.

    Then, maybe they didn't.

    Do we care that much? Cannot big tattooed, muscular guys whip out their hankies after losing a hard-fought game to the Bulls?

    I mean, seriously, have you seen the hair on Joakim Noah, center for the Bulls? Didn't you cry when you saw it?

    And then when you lose to hair like this and you're supposed to be the greatest team in all history, crying is the least you might do.

    Some people in Miami have lost to Joakim Noah's hair and then immediately walked through Little Havana shouting "Viva, Fidel!"

    Others tried arm wrestling the nearest alligator.

    It's like they can't wait for David Caruso to be standing over their lifeless body, sans sunglasses, while saying "He's clutching a strand of hair. Long, curly hair. Could it be?"

    After all, it's not baseball. You're allowed to cry in basketball. Just ask Roy Williams.

    Just ask House Leader John Boehner. You can cry after losing to Joakim Noah's hair.

    We have several videos... guaranteed to make you cry.

Spoelstra Thinks the Media Are Spoel-Sports

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    Erik Spoelstra says "Crygate" is a media-made event.

    At a recent press conference, Coach Spoelstra says that when he said "there are a couple of guys crying in the locker room right now," he didn't mean "whimpering."

    Erik went on to say "they weren't crying like little girls."

    Okay, so you mean "big girls" then? More like Nancy Kerrigan whining "WHYYYY, me?? WHYYY, me?"

    "No! Please!" pleads Spoelstra "What you heard was MI-AM-I. It wasn't Why Me."

    So it wasn't big girl wailing? It is more like masculine blubbering?

    "The tears were very macho. Very macho! Tell them I said that. Our guys cry jalapeno tears. Raw caustic tears. LeBron James tears will tear a hole in your soul."

    So when they blubber, guys clear out.

    "You better believe it. When our guys cry, people die. Pat is even afraid to use their tears for hair gel."

    So was the crying totally about the Bulls and Joakim's hair?

    "Well, it's possible LeBron is still hurting from the shoulder bump I gave him a few months ago. Every few weeks, the pain reoccurs."

    Wow, do you have any video showing you bumping LeBron?

    "Oh sure," says Spoelstra. "I've got to keep the guys in line. You can look at the video at the top of the page."

When Asked, John Boehner Told Us What He Thought

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    Being from Ohio, John Boehner is huge LeBron fan and a closet Heat fan. He goes to Miami every few days to work on his tan.

    While there, he borrows Rudy Guillani's dresses to attend the Heat games. After all, Eddie House plays for the Heat and John Boehner speaks for him.

    When Spoelstra was asked to comment about "Crygate," Boehner was in the room and asked if he could address the press on a subject he knows.

    He said that LeBron was living the American Dream and that everyone should aspire to be 6'8 and 270 pounds and to try to get a Nike contract. This was a very emotional speech and, at times, Mr. Boehner got a little choked up.

    Let's listen.

Roy Williams Wouldn't Be Dry-Eyed About Coaching the Miami Heat

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    Roy Williams loves his job, coaching at North Carolina. It was a job he really wanted, very emotionally.

    But, should the Miami Heat come calling, and wish to have a coach who understands crybabies, he might be persuaded.

    Here's a video of Roy Williams not crying while being interviewed by Ron Burgundy.

Heat Fan Jon Cryer Has Reasons to Be Sad Now Days

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    Who knew Jon Cryer was appropriately a Heat fan?

    Don't you feel for him? First, his acting buddy, Charlie Sheen goes full wacko, and their Two and-a-Half Men show is on hold. Then the Miami Heat lose a few games. Then Chris Bosh breaks down.

    And to top that off, Jon's ex-wife is named Trigger and then Jon witnesses an event where he has to go into hiding.

    Aren't you sad for Jon: Charlie Sheen, ex-wife named Trigger, Heat goes south and then hiding out?

    I know Roy Orbison and K.D. Lang are very emotional about the situation and decided to sing about it while Jon was "Hiding Out."

    Let's listen.

Yes, There Might Be Crying in Basketball but No Cabbage in Baseball

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    CABBAGE HEADS AND CRAZINESS

    To keep cool, Park Myung-hwan, a baseball picher for the Doosan Bears of the Korean league, wears frozen cabbage leaves under his hat. At least he did until his hat flew off and a leaf flew out, confusing the batter.

    “I was expecting curve ball and I get kimchi. It not fair, I tell you,” says Sun Man Young, batter for the Hanwha Eagles. 

    So then a rhubarb breaks out, followed by a rutabaga, then a radicchio.  

    Okay, we’re confused. Are you? The South Korean baseball commission ruled that no matter how hot it gets, no vegetables under the hat.

    On the other hand, on top of the hat, if you want to make like Willard Scott, that’s okay, just so long as you don’t fill the stadium with centenarians… on a hot day.

    Nothing worse than a bunch of 100-year-olds dropping from the heat, saying, “Baseball sure has changed. I remember when guys wore flannel knickers and players all had mustaches. No wait, that’s when I lived in Oakland.”

    Okay, would it have been better if we had Carmen Miranda show up in her fruit hat and her fruit skirt?
    “La Cucaracha, la cucaracha…”

    Hold it, Carmen. That’s the last thing we need, cockroaches in our vegetables. Just read us our rights and move on.

        “You have the right to wear food on your head.
         You have the right to sing and wear castanets on your fingers.
         Should you give up this right… a member of the Village People will wear these for you.
        You have ….”

    Hey, Carmen, stop it. Beat it.

    Jimmy Dugan, now coaching men in the Korean league, gives his standard speech “There is no cabbage in baseball…”

       
    So we checked to see how many other incidents we could find where athletes wore fruits or vegetables for one reason or other. We checked many areas but only in the sport of football did we come across an incident.

    This was involving a quarterback for the Oklahoma Sooners. Further investigation shows it turned out to be a case of mishearing earnest advice as quarterback Jamelle Holieway was found with a Chiquita under his helmet. 

    The banana was getting squishy when former Oklahoma quarterback Thomas Lott, mentor to Holieway, had to go in red-faced and reiterate to Jamelle that it might be a “good idea to wear a bandana under your helmet.”

    Thomas Lott meant well, we’re certain. As far as other athletes wearing fruits and vegetables, we know they’re always looking for an advantage, be it in Korea or elsewhere.

    If it happens again, we here at Silliman on Sports will let you know.

    And now you're asking what has to do with the Miami Heat? Carmen Miranda.

The Heat-Bulls Game Set to Music

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    The Heat is a good team. They want to win so hard, sometimes their emotion shows. 

    Passion is good for the game, so don't get too worked up about it.

    They can beat any team in the league, including the Lakers.

    John Boehner, Roy Williams, Jon Cryer, KD Lang, Roy Orbison and Madonna can all feel for the Heat.

    Here's a music video summing up their close game with the Bulls. And, yes, cover your eyes if you wish not to see Joakim Noah's hair.

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