The 10 Worst Dance Moves in Sports History

K BFeatured ColumnistMarch 11, 2011

The 10 Worst Dance Moves in Sports History

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    FOXBORO, MA - JANUARY 02:  Tom Brady #12 of the New England Patriots celebrates a touchdown by teammate BenJarvis Green-Ellis in the first quarter against the Miami Dolphins on January 2, 2011 at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, Massachusetts.  (Photo by Elsa
    Elsa/Getty Images

    In honor of Tom Brady’s mesmerizing ability to destroy a beautiful art form in Rio this past weekend, here are the ten worst dance moves in sports history.

    Because these athletes break a number of crimes against humanity, it was necessary to give them their own dance names.

    Damn you Lady Gaga!

Honorable Mention: Green Bay Packers—Catching Zzz’s

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    This is by far the stalest attempt at a dance phenomenon, and it was too boring to make the top 10.

    Who honestly cracked a smile watching this? No one I can get along with, and of course it came from the Steelers-Packers Super bowl.

    We get it. These teams represent their incredible fan bases through their blue-collar attitude, hardworking style and blah blah blah. Really all this means is that both teams put me to sleep immediately.

    Somehow the never-ending coverage of the CBA has been more exciting than this Super Bowl matchup.

    What really grinds my gears is Aaron Rogers farting all over the good name of the WWE and using the championship belt as his celebration. And by the way, who won this year? I didn't watch. 

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Honorable Mention: Cam Watt—Caddyshake

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    This is an honorable mention, only because I have no clue who this guy is, nor do I know his exact reason for dancing. What I do know is that this is probably how every golfer dances. And when I say this, I am without a doubt thinking of Tiger. 

    In a sport that requires zero athletic ability, this guy represents the ceiling that every golfer will hit when it comes to shaking their stuff. 

    While this video was being filmed, I'm sure a group of four trying to play through were maniacally shaking their fists at this poor sport. Just hit your ball old man.

    If you can find it.

10. Bobby Ramos—Havana Heat

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    Rays bullpen catcher Scott Cursi could only blankly stare in amazement as Rays bullpen coach Bobby Ramos embarrassed himself in front of the 13 fans that regularly attend Rays games.

    And God only knows what he was doing before he fell on Cursi. Maybe Bobby should focus less on his dancing and more on trying to find a regular closer.

9. LeBron James and Dwyane Wade—Tearz Two Step

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    Children, cover your eyes at the :40 mark. I wonder how many parents were waiting for D-Wade after the game to give him the earful he deserves. 

    Apparently, on the street, this dance is also known as the "Wu Tang." Is it ironic that one of the most famous songs by this hip-hop super group is "Tearz?" Isn't it also messed up that more people probably showed up to this sideshow circus than their current regular season home games? 

8. Jeremy Roenick—Shake and Skate

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    I don't know much about hockey, but I do know that this video is pretty much all I could find on hockey players busting some moves. The only other video was also of Jeremy Roenick, so I am assuming he is kind of known for this. 

    If this is the National Hockey League's representative as the "cool guy who dances," it's no wonder this sport struggles to keep viewers. I do have to give him credit for doing this on ice skates, no matter how lame the moves are.

7. Bernard Pollard—The Groin Pull

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    No one knew quite what they were in for when Bernard Pollard decided to turn up the stereo and show off his dance moves. Thanks Bernard, now the fondest memories I've ever had seeing hot babes pull off this maneuver are gone forever. 

    Much like his teammates in this video, I run around like a crazy person after this booty pops into my mind. Seriously, no man should have the capability of pulling this off. 

    If you hear a popping noise in the distance, it was the sound of me trying this one out.

6. Venus and Serena Williams—Racket Rump

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    Check out these two attempting to dance. I thought tennis players were supposed to be graceful and light on their feet. After seeing this video, that is obviously not the case. 

    They probably caused a magnitude 5.0 earthquake slamming down those thunder thighs. And don't even get me started on the guy in the pink polo.

5. Charlie Davies—Charlie Hustle

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    I've been told for the last decade that soccer popularity is rising in the United States. Unfortunately, just when America makes a memorable run in the 2010 World Cup to get the ball rolling, this gem comes out of the closet. 

    After seeing a video of a grown man dance in his underwear like a girl, it's hard to argue with those who can't get behind this sport because they think it's feminine. 

    A referee should have busted through the door and produced a red card for Charlie Davies during this atrocity. Of course, no one did, because we all know how bad soccer refereeing is. Oh wait, never mind.

    No one here knows that because hardly anyone in America watches soccer.

4. Bo Ryan—Superman Dat Bo

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    Anyone who has watched a Wisconsin basketball game knows how red Bo Ryan's face gets on the sidelines. Many believe it's because he wants to rip a referees head off after a terrible call that didn't go his way. 

    But really, his face goes flush with embarrassment after his mind reverts back to the day he produced this golden egg. 

    I'm guessing he did a few too many 12-ounce curls before he agreed to do this video. God bless whoever talked Bo into this because it's one hell of a recruiting tool. 

3. Pat Riley—Riley Rev Up

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    Pat Riley proves yet again that old people can't do anything well, especially dance.

    I don't know which part of this is better. The part where he looks around uncomfortably, unsure what to do while being surround by a bunch of men twice his size, or the part where Shaq demands that he dances in front of everyone. You squirm in your seat seeing Pat try to keep it together. 

    But we all know the best part is where he steps up and frantically searches his mind for an idea. Thankfully his players help him out by telling him to do the rev up. Seeing him hip wiggle with those old man pants flapping in the wind probably made Shaq immediately regret winning the title. 

    I recommend skipping to 1:54, unless you want to see the Heat be almost as annoying as they are now. Almost.

2. Tom Brady—Boston Massacre

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    He made babies cry, many cringe in embarrassment and others seriously consider lighting their eyes on fire.

    Men all over New England who have seen this video are currently questioning their heterosexuality after seeing their hero of the past decade pull this stunt. 

    Personally, I think it gives goofy white guys like me confidence, knowing I’m not the only one who looks like he is convulsing while on the dance floor. 

    It should be noted that Mr. Brady still gets to go home to Gisele every night for the rest of his life—at least until they inevitably get divorced.

1. Mark Madsen—The Blueprint

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    I call this dance move "The Blueprint," because it gives everyone who wants to learn how to dance the complete know-how on everything not to do. 

    With the amount of bows he throws, I shudder just thinking about how many girls he has knocked out pulling this off at a club. I shudder even more thinking about how these moves probably lead to him getting lucky on more than one occasion.  

    Mark Madsen should go on a tour, so he can share this act with the world. I guarantee he would sellout stadiums.