I was really tempted to title this article "Dear Carson, Man the @#&* Up", but there's no obscenity that can capture how disappointed my beloved Bengals continue to make me.
Like so many of you, I've gotten sucked into the world of fantasy football. I was looking forward to having some fun with friends, enjoying some light-hearted trash-talking and most importantly, beating the living crap out of everybody else's team.
Unfortunately, my squad, the Gary, IN Jackson Five, has not performed as expected. My offense makes North Texas look like Steve Spurrier's Florida squads. My defense gets misty-eyed at the mention of Shawne Merriman. They've spent many late nights pining for his return or better yet, hoping that his injury is just a terrible dream.
I've decided that my team's failings are a result of gross mismanagement on my part AND a selfish league commissioner. I'm no football genius, but I still think I could run a better team than Matt Millen. And there's definitely something fishy going on in the dingy apartment that serves as our league office.
Kurt Warner was on my bench today
I've got three quarterbacks on my roster. Warner, Eli Manning, and Carson Palmer. I went to bed on Saturday believing that Palmer was going to play against a Cleveland Browns defense that isn't great. I fully intended to wake up early and check injury reports though, just to see if things had changed.
My alarm went off and I immediately went back to sleep. I didn't wake up again until after the rosters had been locked in for the day, with Palmer and his big fat 'inactive' label staring me in the face.
So yeah, a guy who threw for 472 yards and two touchdowns was on my bench because I'm an idiot. Of course, it could've been worse. I could've been my buddy James, who started Trent Edwards in favor of Brett Favre and his six touchdowns. Ouch.
At least I didn't have Chad Johnson in my lineup. Oh, wait...
The draft order was fixed
I have no solid evidence to support this claim, but the commissioner's girlfriend ended up with L.T., Jay Cutler, and Terrell Owens. Despite having several empty slots in her starting lineup a couple of weeks ago, she beat me by 60. For insurance, she's got Michael Turner and Reggie Bush as well.
It's pretty obvious what's happening here. The commissioner is exchanging quality draft spots for, well, you know. To be fair, I wouldn't have a problem with this if I were commissioner.
Greg Olson is my tight end...
...Because nobody better was available.
It's so bad. He had accumulated zero total points for me through three weeks. He put up three, negative four, and one point, in that order. Again, my fault for picking somebody that relies on the terrible twosome of Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman to get him the ball.
Luckily enough for me, Da Bears play the Lions twice this season, which means that for two weeks Olson will look like the best tight end in the league.
For the rest of the matchups, I guess I need to see if anybody is dumb enough for a Chris Brown-for-Antonio Gates trade...Maybe if I get them liquored up.
Wrapping it up: Final thoughts
Despite management decisions that would leave Isiah Thomas scratching his head, I'm still not the worst team in the league. That honor goes to the poor sap who had Lavernues Coles on his bench today.
The best strategy, at least in my league, seems to be going through each weekend without watching a single game of football and just using a random series of coin flips to determine your lineup each Sunday.
I don't know if I want to live in a world that rewards those who play against the Bengals but punishes those who both blindly support the Bengals and sleep in.
I think this league should be taking away 20 points for each boneheaded play an athlete makes over the course of the season. So DeSean Jackson would have lost 20 for that play against Dallas, and another 20 for muffing an easy punt tonight against Chicago.
I can't deny that he's extremely talented, but I wouldn't want to have to rely on him to win me a game.
I thought I'd be okay with the tandem of Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew going against Houston today. It's a really good thing I don't live by any casinos.
If the Jackson Five keep performing this badly, will the real Jackson Five sue me for defamation of character? I hope so. Jermaine seems like an interesting guy.
My homerism is killing me. But smart money is on me never changing my ways.