If Charlie Sheen Played Baseball: The Media Circus of Rick Vaughn in the Majors

Ash MarshallSenior Analyst IMarch 2, 2011

If Charlie Sheen Played Baseball: The Media Circus of Rick Vaughn in the Majors

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    Charlie Sheen is a stumbling, bumbling one-man media circus with enough off-the-wall soundbites and gloriously insane one-liners to bring even the most poetic of alcoholics to their knees.

    Now that he's entered the world of social media, I don't think anyone's safe. Picture Chuck Norris with a Twitter feed, high on Four Loko, meth and gummy worms.

    Sheen continues to increase his media blitz offensive, but maybe he should soon get back to the issue of looking for work. If he wants to try his hand in a sporting biography, maybe some of these quotes will help him score that next big fix.

    Wouldn't it be epic if Sheen still played baseball? Just think about all these wasted gems that he could have used in the clubhouse after a game. Get well, Charlie.

It's Okay, I Have Another One...

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    SEATTLE - AUGUST 28:  Adrian Beltre #5 of the Seattle Mariners is escorted off the field by trainer Rick Griffin after suffering an injury in the fifth inning against the Chicago White Sox on August 28, 2005 at Safeco Field in Seattle, Washington. The Mar
    Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images

    "It's hard to be specific about what parts I may have lost. But ultimately, it's what I'm known for."

    ~ What Sheen might say if he were in the shoes of Seattle Mariners third baseman Adrian Beltre, speaking about a sensitive injury to his junk after taking a hard one-hopper off the bat of Chicago’s Alexei Ramirez.

What Would Johnny Damon Do?

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    ST PETERSBURG, FL - FEBRUARY 01:  Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations Andrew Friedma (L) poses with Johnny Damon #22 of the Tampa bay Rays during a press conference at Tropicana Field on February 1, 2011 in St Petersburg, Florida.  (Photo by J
    J. Meric/Getty Images

    "I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars."

    ~ If Charlie Sheen was Johnny Damon, there's no doubt this would have been his opening remark at his introductory press conference one month ago. There's no more need to keep the beard in check to satisfy the whims of Steinbrenner and now that he's in sunny Tampa, he even gets to have his name on his jersey again.

    WWJDD? Cowboy up like the fun-loving Idiot he is.

Notches in the Bedpost

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    "There is such a thing as too much fun. It gets redundant. How many times can you wake up and struggle to remember your name, her name and where you are?"

    ~ What Charlie Sheen may say if he was A-Rod, responding to questions about his alleged rampant womanizing and off-the-field sexploits.

Just Give Me One Shot...

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    LOS ANGELES, CA - FEBRUARY 19:  NBA Commissioner David Stern addresses the media before the start of NBA All-Star Saturday Night at Staples Center on February 19, 2011 in Los Angeles, California.  (Photo by Noel Vasquez/Getty Images)
    Noel Vasquez/Getty Images

    "I still want just one at-bat in the Major Leagues. Just one. I`ll take it over an Oscar. Then, I`m in the Baseball Encyclopedia. Forever. Forever. Even if I strike out or walk."

    ~ What Sheen might say if he lived a day in the life of Commish David Stern, a man who apparently isn't content with a cushy desk job in Midtown Manhattan.

    For Mets fans, it could just as easily apply to Steve Chilcott, the first-ever No. 1 pick never to make it to The Show and considered by many as the biggest draft bust of all time.

Too Much Free Time on My Hands

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    NEW YORK - MAY 10:  Oliver Perez #46 of the New York Mets looks on from the dugout against the Washington Nationals on May 10, 2010 at Citi Field in the Flushing neighborhood of the Queens borough of New York City.  (Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)
    Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

    "The bad part is that there's a lot of waiting, a lot of sitting around, a lot of down time. It's hard to keep the energy level up. We`re all human and it`s just impossible."

    ~ In this role, Sheen portrays awful reliever Oliver Perez, who can't stay focused in the bullpen. Sheen will need more than some crack and good acting skills to explain Perez's 0-5 record and 6.80 ERA from last season.

    Maybe they can befriend one another in the unemployment queue in April?

He Fell Asleep in the Chair

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    "I have 12 tattoos, and I wish I hadn`t gotten so many now. It's hard when you have to take your shirt off two hours in make-up and it doesn't cover them."

    ~ If Sheen was Dodgers' inked-up farmhand Justin Miller, this might be his reaction to preparing for one of those "Visit California" adverts with Betty White and Arnold Schwarzenegger that's always running on NBC.

Look into My Eyes

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    SCOTTSDALE, AZ - FEBRUARY 23:  Brian Wilson #38 of the San Francisco Giants poses for a portrait during media photo day at Scottsdale Stadium on February 23, 2011 in Scottsdale, Arizona.  (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)
    Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

    “If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’ "It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh…this terrestrial realm.”

    ~ If Sheen was Brian Wilson, I think we'd all explode from too much awesome.

I Have a Family to Feed

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    JUPITER, FL - FEBRUARY 17: Albert Pujols #5 of the St. Louis Cardinals answers questions from the media at Roger Dean Stadium on February 17, 2011 in Jupiter, Florida. (Photo by Joel Auerbach/Getty Images)
    Joel Auerbach/Getty Images

    “It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee, because I don’t have time for these clowns.”

    ~ Charlie Sheen, playing the part of a disgruntled Albert Pujols who wakes once again to find out that the St. Louis Cardinals' accountants still won't pay him $300 million, or 10 percent of the gross domestic product of Tonga.

Charlie Sheen Needs No Asterisk

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    WASHINGTON - MARCH 17:  Former St. Louis Cardinal Mark McGwire (L) talks with Rafael Palmeiro of the Baltimore Orioles during a House Committe session investigating Major League Baseball's effort to eradicate steroid use on Capital Hill March 17, 2005 in
    Mark Wilson/Getty Images

    "One of my fondest memories is when Slash, from Guns N' Roses, sat me down at his house and said, 'You've got to clean up your act.' You know you've gone too far when Slash is saying, 'Look, you've got to get into rehab, you have to shut it down."

    ~ When Sheen gets his next gig in a sporting movie, he can use this gem. The best part is, he can pretend to be so many people: Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro, a white Sammy Sosa...

2,632 Games Without a Day Off? Let's Take Five, Folks

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    ST PETERSBURG, FL - OCTOBER 18:  Television personality Cal Ripken Jr. walks on the field before game six of the American League Championship Series between the Boston Red Sox and the Tampa Bay Rays during the 2008 MLB playoffs on October 18, 2008 at Trop
    Elsa/Getty Images

    "The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed, armless children."

    ~ Sheen gets into his character perfectly, telling the world how great he was in his finest portrayal of Iron Man Cal Ripken. Charlie Sheen doesn't need sleep. Or arms.