USC Blames Loss on Mediocre Sideline Celebs

It had been a decade since Patrick Duffy appeared on TGIF’s Step by Step.

Only a handful of “celebrities” showed up on USC’s sideline last night—and most of them haven’t seen a Golden Globe red carpet since the Carson Palmer signed his National Letter of Intent.The initial letdown was more than evident as Oregon State built a seemingly insurmountable 21-point first-half lead lead while USC players struggled to conjure any star-powered inspiration whatsoever.

Along with Duffy, the “Sidelame”—coined by a third quarter student section sign—featured a washed-up alt-rocker, a comic book artist, an art-house director, and one of the kids from TLC’s series “Little People Big World.”  It resulted in a definitive lack of enthusiasm the Trojans could not overcome and giggle fits the Beavers easily put aside each time they broke the huddle.

“I think it’s pretty obvious who let us down tonight,” USC QB Mark Sanchez said.  “How can I be expected to dominate when some nerd is yacking to me why Marvel Universes aren’t a ‘crutch of lazy narrative.’  I don’t need that before a game.  I need Will Ferrell delivering a non-sequitur to me in a sincere whisper voice.  I needed to get hyped!”

The Beavers (2-2, 1-1 Pacific-10) also upset USC here in 2006, when the Trojans were addled by Trail Blazers 6th man and yet another comic book artist. Oregon State had previously beaten the country’s No. 1 team only once, in 1967 by beating the Trojans and a smattering of “tuned in” hippies who had hitched a ride on the team bus en route to the game.

Late in the fourth quarter, OSU safety Greg Laybourn intercepted a Sanchez pass and ran 28 yards to the USC two, sealing the victory for the Beavers.

A late comeback effort was almost mounted after Sanchez sat on the bench to talk with one of the kids from “Little People Big World” at the insistence of his Offensive Coordinator.  The Heisman hopeful rallied with a 14-yard touchdown strike to Patrick Turner with 1:19 left, but all hope was lost when Sanchez returned to find a standing Jeremy Roloff and realized he wasn’t “one of the little ones.”

“All of the passion I’d felt coming off the field deflated immediately.  Sure, that kid is featured just as much as his smaller stature family members on that show.  But frankly, his average height is not the reason it’s on television. Excuse me, basic cable,”  he said while gesturing a finger gun in his mouth.

“I blame myself,” USC coach Pete Carroll said.  “We tried to get [Greg] Oden, but we poured it on too thick against his alma mater last week.  We didn’t need three NBC stars, Christian Slater, John Krasinski, and

You're currently logged into Facebook

Do you want to share your Bleacher Report activity on Facebook?