Between 2009 and 2010, Sheamus, a Celtic heavyweight with hair the colour of flames and skin the colour of—er—milky bars, took the wrestling world by storm. He claimed the WWE championship twice, he won the King of the Ring tournament and most extraordinarily of all, he beat John Cena without cheating. This wasn't just a push; this was a veritable shove.
Since then, however, his career has been affected by a curious tristesse (which is to say that he's flopped like a whale from a mile high). He jobbed to Santino; he jobbed to Mark Henry. Last night, he was beaten up by Triple H and Evan Bourne respectively while getting in all the offence of a startled lamb or a crippled Mikey Whipwreck.
Sheamus is no stranger to humiliation—he was once a bodyguard for U2 dullard Bono Vox—but this is ludicrous. How can someone go from being a champion to being a loser of such staggering proportions? It's like winning an Olympics gold over 100 metres and then being outpaced by a 60-year-old arthritic.
He could be jobbing for a while before he lands a decent feud. On the other hand, if you were putting food aside for later, would you sneeze all over it and leave it near the rubbish bin?
I see why Triple H had to destroy the guy, but did it have to be quite as straightforward as taking out the trash? (Is it just coincidence that The Game didn't take a bump?) Sheamus was as close as RAW could get to a monster heel, but after being slammed, squashed and made to look a fool by a comedy Italian, he's about as frightening as a short-sighted Cyclops who's lost its contact lens.
There's a trend in the WWE of late, I think, for either pushing someone heavily or making them look foolish. Jack Swagger—the All-American who's somehow fond of Rage Against the Machine—won the World Heavyweight Championship a year ago. Now he's Michael Cole's sidekick. Lower than a mollusk.
There's also a trend for making monster heels look pathetic. Think of Kane running, blubbering, in search of Paul Bearer, like a stunned gorilla who'd just been drugged, held down and shaved. Yes, somebody always has to lose and monsters have to fall, but what's wrong with allowing them a little dignity?
Still, if they're intent on burying the guy. We might as well enjoy ourselves. Here's a few ideas for humiliating him...
5. Sheamus exhumes Katie Vick and goes where one too many men have gone before.
4. Tired of facing prejudice for his creamy skin, he gets into a tanning bed. Mark Henry sits atop it, and once Sheamus is allowed to clamber out, he's been toasted and goes on to feud with Kane for the name "The Big Red Monster." He loses.
3. He abdicates his crown to everyone's least favourite commentator and proceeds to dance around him singing Old King Cole.
2. He starts feuding with his own reflection, culminating in a smashed TitanTron, 30 stitches and a course of therapy.
1. He loses to the Great Khali.
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