WWE RAW Review for 2/28/11
by Eric Kanes
Hello, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Eric Kanes...but you already know that. Well, you should know that by now. If you don't, then you are missing out on the most electrifying RAW Review on the net, which is sure to be more entertaining than the actual show was. Live from Buffalo, New York, this is the RAW Review.
The show starts off with Triple H, who looks bloated, coming out to cut a promo and hopefully not to just stare at the WrestleMania sign for 10 minutes. He talks about all of his accomplishments - winning 13 world titles, revolutionizing the Hell in a Cell & Elimination Chamber matches, creating DX with Shawn Michaels, and creating Evolution with Ric Flair (take a shot every time you hear about this next Thursday). However, there is one thing he hasn't done and that is defeat the Undertaker at WrestleMania. He says that Undertaker is not the last outlaw; he and Undertaker are the last two outlaws.
Triple H goes on to say that if the Undertaker looks around the locker room, there are no other challenges left. Wow! Way to bury the other talent that has been carrying the company for the past 10 months. It's pretty weird coming from the future heir of the company. I get that he needs to put himself over as a legit threat to end Undertaker's streak but there are other ways to get yourself over. Not a good idea to just bury everyone else.
Sheamus' music hits and out he comes, without the Batman costume this week. Sheamus enters the ring, spreads his legs open, and Triple H kicks him in the balls. OK, that was awkward. What's the point of coming out if you're not even going to try fighting? Triple H proceeds to throw him out of the ring, throw him over the barracade, and then pedigree him through the announce table.
Anyone think that Triple H caught Sheamus working out with someone else? #VINTAGE2009JOKE Seriously though, WWE spent a year building Sheamus up only to pretty much kill his career in 2 minutes. What else is new?
Evan Bourne d. Sheamus (SQUASH)
The RAW GM buzzes in and says that Sheamus cannot leave because the GM has scheduled a match for him. So this GM is some sort of sadist? I mean, it's not like he bothered booking a match for anyone else.
Anyway, good to see Evan Bourne back and good to see him picking up the win here. The Shooting Star Press looked fantastic although he missed the jump kick. It was a nice way to have him return although it was at the expense of Sheamus. You can consider this the final nail in the coffin of his career.
Michael Cole comes out next and starts talking to Jerry Lawler although you can't hear what he's saying. Some unintentional comedy as someone in production yells, "Get him a microphone!" Oops! Commercial time.
I'm not sure if I was the only one that saw this (I'm from LA and have Time Warner Cable, for the record) but they aired a commercial for TNA, previewing this week's episode of iMPACT. I wonder how much TNA payed to have that air during RAW. Or maybe this was a nice gesture on WWE's part in return for all the times TNA gave them free promotion? You never know!
Anywway, back from break and the announce table is magically in perfect shape again. Michael Cole calls Jerry Lawler into the ring, letting us know that if Jerry hits him, he will be fired. Cole says that he'll only accept the match at WrestleMania on two conditions...his trainer will be at ringside and he gets to choose a special referee. Jerry Lawler accepts the match and the trainer is announced as Jack Swagger. Cole hides behind Swagger and slaps Lawler a few times, which causes Lawler to go after him only to have Swagger lock in the ankle lock, injuring Jerry. I'm not a fan of using Swagger, a former world champion, as Cole's trainer but then again, what else is there for him to do? The only alternative is being used to fill a spot in the Money in the Bank match, and that's not much better. Besides, the videos of Swagger training Cole should be hilarious.
Ha, Cole spraying the headset was pretty good. He's replacing Lawler on commentary.
PromoMania continues after the break as Randy Orton comes out to say that he regrets not punting Punk harder a few years ago. He says that he's going to break Punk's neck, snap his spine, cripple him for life, and put him in a rehabiliation facility. CM Punk comes out with the New Nexus and he says that while Randy will try to put him in rehab, he will put Randy into the ground. So at WrestleMania, either CM Punk becomes crippled or Randy Orton gets killed. How's that for a stipulation?
The New Nexus walk down to the ring as the GM buzzes in again and says that Orton must face each member of the New Nexus each week and if the Nexus member wins, he can be in Punk's corner at WrestleMania. If any Nexus member interferes in these matches, Nexus gets disbanded. First up is Michael McGillicutty. Will this be the moment of the Genesis of McGillicutty that we've been waiting for since NXT? Let's find out.
Randy Orton d. Michael McGillicutty (*)
Orton goes over clean in seven minutes with the RKO. After the match, Orton gets ready to punt McGillicutty but Punk comes out and begs him not to do it. Orton punts him all the way back to FCW and then runs away through the crowd as Punk, Otunga, & Ryan run to the rescue. I feel like we're seeing deja vu here. I mean, the exactly same thing happened with Husky Harris. I'm hoping that WWE can at least come up with creative ways for Orton to take out Otunga & Ryan, although it'll probably just be the same thing with the punt.
WWE showed a video focusing on Sin Cara's debut. I doubt that he'll get a major title push, but I think he'll have an impressive debut, similar to Del Rio. WWE seems serious about going mainstream with the Latin American market. Oh and for the record, it's pronounced Sin Car-a not Sin Care-a. I'm American and even I knew that.
The Miz-John Cena Confrontation
Guess what? It's time for yet another promo as The Miz comes out to talk while Riley hops out behind him. So why does Riley still carry a silver briefcase? Is he procrastinating his taxes? Or maybe he just likes to bring his own lunch to work? I don't know. The mystery of the silver briefcase lives on.
Miz does his usual routine about being a must-see champion and being awesome. He's a good talker but it feels like he's doing the same thing every week. He says that the tag team title victory happened exactly how he wanted it to, because he won the match and Cena lost the re-match. He says that at WrestleMania he will beat John Cena and then beat The Rock. Beat The Rock at what? He's not in a match. He says that after he beats Cena & The Rock, nobody will ever mention them again.
Cue John Cena who is in happy mode tonight. He pulls out a fake doctor's note and claims that The Miz has OCD and the abomination begins from there. He does his usual routine of corny jokes (if you can even call them jokes) as he says that Miz owns 200 cats and 1000 pairs of blue jeans. What kind of humor is that? Brutal. Cena goes on to make some gay jokes about Miz & Alex Riley and says that Alex Riley holds Miz back because Riley locks himself in a closet and eats toilet paper. What kind of an imbecile wrote this promo? Riley retaliates by saying that the toilet was nicknamed "the john" because Cena is full of crap. Wow. Even Cole pointed out how ridiculous that was. Cena then made some more jokes that nobody laughed at.
For the record, this went on for 13 minutes. That's right. THIRTEEN freakin' minutes! I get that there can't be a serious promo every week but if you're going for a comedic promo, then make it funny! Talking in a normal voice THEN SUDDENLY SCREAMING, making gay jokes, and talking about how Alex Riley eats toilet paper is not going to sell the WrestleMania main event. The writers should be the ones locked in a closet and forced to eat toilet paper after this promo.
By the way, all of this led to a match. After Cena said that Riley is holding Miz back, Cena challenged Riley to a match where Miz has to fire Riley if he loses. Miz agreed to the match as long as Cena admits that Miz is the greatest of all time if Riley wins and he assures Cena that he will not interfere. The GM buzzes in for the third time and says that to make sure that Miz does not interfere, the main event will be a steel cage match and you can only win by escaping the cage. That's how it should be in the first place. Either way, this segment sucked big time. Moving on.
Brie Bella won a Diva's Battle Royal (1/4*)
This was for the #1 contendership to the Diva's title with Eve on commentary. All of the divas quickly got tossed out with only Gail Kim & Nikki Bella remaining. Maryse tried to re-enter the match, distracting the two referees, which allowed the villainous Bellas to switch, and allowed Brie to pick up the win. Thrilling!
The Rock & Shawn Michaels Speak Via Satellite
I think the crowd was disappointed because The Rock wasn't appearing in person but either way this promo was pretty good. Obviously not as good as his live one but it still felt fresh compared to what we see every week. Rock started off the promo wearing Cena gear and rapping, "The Rock is rappin', he's totally gone soft, so now he needs TO TAKE THIS CRAP OFF!" That was fantastic. Rock went on to talk about how Cena called him out in 2008 for leaving the movie industry despite the fact that he paved the way for guys like Cena. He said that he will see Cena face-to-face sooner than he thinks. "The Rock is no rapper and clearly neither are you" made my night but the line of the night was "The Rock is back to scratch a major itch, so enjoy your Fruity Pebbles you Yabba-Dabba bitch." Great promo as always by The Rock. Can't wait to see the face-off that is rumored to take place before Mania.
Shawn Michaels also cut a pre-taped promo via satellite that showed clips of Triple H & Undertaker at WrestleMania with his voice in the background. HBK says that Triple H might be the only one capable of ending the streak. The verdict was that he's rooting for Triple H although he doesn't know how he'd feel if Triple H was able to end the streak while he couldn't.
After the break, Daniel Bryan comes out for some reason only for The Miz to attack him from behind and beat him down. The announcers say that we've never seen Miz like this before. What? They do this every few weeks. They've had Miz do this to Orton and to Lawler. It doesn't really make him look stronger, though, because he's made to look weak the rest of the time. Miz wants the main event to start at once. Good call considering it's 10:55.
John Cena d. Alex Riley (*)
This has got to be the worst steel cage match I've ever seen. This was a squash match that should have ended in two minutes but it stretched out for twelve minutes. Same complaint as always - why wasn't Daniel Bryan in a match this week? Anyway, every time that Cena tried to escape the cage, Miz popped up and blocked him from leaving. There was a spot where Miz gave Riley a phone and Riley used it to knock Cena out. Seriously, a phone? Cena has enough strength to storm out 24 hours after an Elimination Chamber match but he gets knocked out by a phone? Why not use a rolled up newspaper next time?
There was another spot where Miz took a picture of Riley rubbing Cena's face against the cage and actually put it up on Twitter. You can see the picture at the top of this article. The match ended with Cena trying to exit through the cage door by pushing it but Miz was pushing it back. Miz then let go causing Cena to fall out of the cage. Cena won the match but Miz quickly hit the Skull Crushing Finale on a dazed Cena. The show ended with Miz triumphant for the second week in a row.
What about Riley? I assume that they'll come up with something where he can work for WWE instead of Miz, but he'll still wind up being Miz's associate. That or he'll get sent back to FCW joining the elite group consisting of Husky Harris, Michael Tarver, & Michael McGillicutty. Either way, now we know that even RAW's not safe from all the firings. This is the fifth firing in less than a month for anyone keeping track.
Three Stars of the Show
1. The Rock - "The Rock is back to scratch a major itch, so enjoy your Fruity Pebbles you Yabba-Dabba bitch!"
2. Evan Bourne - Welcome back.
3. Michael McGillicutty - It's not his moment yet...but it's coming! Mark my words.
Worst Moment of the Week
The 13 minute Miz/Alex Riley/John Cena segment. "We all know Alex Riley likes to lock himself up in a closet and eat toilet paper." Really?
This RAW gets a final score of 4/10. The crowd was dead for most of the show and who can blame them? They spent $50 to watch people talk. I get that it's not going to be a wrestling-heavy show with all these WrestleMania promos that they need to build up but the promos this week weren't that good either, with the exception of The Rock's. Triple H buried everyone and then sloppily beat down Sheamus, Michael Cole forgot to get a microphone when cutting his promo, and the 13 minute segment filled with corny bathroom & gay jokes has got to be 13 of the worst minutes in wrestling history.
They could have also booked the matches better. John Cena/Alex Riley which was essentially a squash match got 12 minutes while Daniel Bryan & John Morrison were completely left off the card (the 30 second beatdown doesn't count). And the biggest problem with this week's RAW? No Mark Henry. Last week's RAW was the first time in a while that picked up a win, and it scored a 3.9 rating. Coincidence? I think not. Mark my words - the ratings will suffer without KOOL-AID~!.
My weekly review of SmackDown entitled "Smack Talk" will be up this Friday night but until then, I am out!
Eric Kanes on YouTube - http://youtube.com/ProWrestlingFanpage
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