Football is an excellent source of amusement. That fact has been proven time and time again by a relatively new Bleacher Creature, Michelle Alves. If you haven't read any of her articles, go and read them now! Then, come back and read this one.
Football (or soccer to my American brethren) can brings hours of laughter. Here's ten stories from everywhere that will get you laughing:
10. Three fans were talking about the sad state of their local club;
The first fan blamed...: "I blame the manager; if we could sign better players, we'd be a great club."
The second fan blamed...: "I blame the players; if they made more effort, I'm sure we would score more goals."
The third fan blamed...: "I blame my parents; if I had been born in a different town, I'd be supporting a decent team."
9. A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.
The man: “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy: “That was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man: “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?”
The guy: “No…they are all at the funeral!”
8. A week before the Champions League final a few years ago there was an ad in a local newspaper which said:
"Local man offers marriage to any woman that has tickets to the Champions League final. Those interested must send in photo of the tickets."
7. Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell.
God, always fair, told the devil, "The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the 'good' players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs'..."
6. A football hooligan appeared in court one day charged with disorderly conduct and assult. The arresting officer stated that the accused had thrown something into the river.
Judge: "What exactly did the accused throw?"
Officer: "Stones, sir."
Judge: "Well, that's hardly an offense is it?"
Officer: It was in this case, sir. Stones was the referee."
5. (note—this isn't exactly about football). The rivalry between Celtic and Rangers in Scotland is well known. A Celtic fan looking for trouble went to a complete stranger in Glasgow and yelled: "To hell with Rangers!"
The stranger had a funny look on his face and replied: "I don't know what you're talking about buddy. I'm from Houston, Texas."
The Celtic fan was taken back for a moment, but then his face lit up and he yelled: "To hell with the Texas Rangers then!"
4. At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.
"There's nothing to worry about, lad," said the elderly chap standing next to him...
"It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it."
"That's just what I'm worried about...," said the fan,"...my name's Johnny Walker."
3. Two old men were holding up the queue outside the turnstyle before the game, while one of them hunted for his ticket. He looked in his coat pockets and his waistcoat pockets and his trouser pockets, all to no avail...
“Hang on a minute...,” said the gateman, “...what's that in your mouth?”
“It's the missing ticket!”
As they moved inside his mate said...
“Crikey, Cyril! You must be getting senile in your old age. Fancy having your ticket in your mouth and forgetting about it!”
“'I'm not that stupid...,” said old Cyril, “...I was chewing last week's date off it.”
2. The fooball stadium corridor, two fans were talking...
First fan:"I wish I'd brought the piano to the stadium."
Second fan: "Why would you bring a piano to the football game?"
First fan: "Because I left the tickets on it."
1. A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and says: "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good."
The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St. Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.
"Well," says St. Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"
"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.
St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.
So the man explains, "I was refereeing this important match between Liverpool and Manchester United at Anfield. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Liverpool at the Kop end."
"Yes," responded St. Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?"
"Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago."