Don't Let the Door Hit You in the A**: Lions Dispose of Matt Millen

Daniel MuthSenior Analyst ISeptember 24, 2008

Like a dirty diaper that has been festering on a baby's bottom after his first taste of sausage…

Like a dumpster outside of a third rate sushi bar…

Like a frat house after an all-night hazing…

Like the septic stench of the holy Ganges…

Like the abysmal aftermath of a baked beans convention…

The Detroit Lions were in need of some fresh air.

Under Matt Millen’s watch, the Lions were a miserable 31-84, which amounts to a .270 winning percentage (seems a bit high), which amounts to one of the most miserable stretches for a miserable franchise long know for the misery of its fans.

So the Honolulu Blue faithful can now finally add a Silver lining to a woeful 0-3 start that seems to have the team underachieving in every sense of the word: MATT MILLEN IS GONE!

Gone is the man who lives in Pennsylvania, doesn’t employ scouts, and shows up in Detroit just long enough to turn around.

Gone is the man who has drafted wide receivers at ludicrously high positions, year after year, oblivious to the fact that they could probably use a quarterback to get them the ball, and then an offensive line to protect the quarterback.

Gone is the man who notoriously passed the buck for team failures, playing coaching roulette, while maintaining a lofty distance from any responsibility.

Gone is the man who is the worst executive to ever grace a professional sports franchise.

Of course, the idiot who was happy to sign his checks is still around, but there seems to be a small chance that he’s starting to listen to his son, who has long been at odds with his father about the team's management. 

Is this really somehow an ownership change too?  Is William Clay Ford really ready to hand the keys to a more competent driver? 

As this came just days after Bill Ford Jr. announced to the media that if it were up to him Millen would be gone, is it that big of a jump to suppose that maybe, just maybe, it finally WAS up to him?

I’m giddy at just the possibility.

It sounds like a dream.

I’ve slapped myself 84 times, one for every loss under Millen’s tenure, to ensure that indeed I am awake, I am sentient, I am sober, and am absolutely not making this up.  The weight on my chest seems to have lifted and I am giddy and happy, and smiling moronically to myself even as I write.  The possibilities seem endless.

Matt Millen is gone!

I almost expect Barry Sanders to come walking back through the door to suit up for the next game.

Matt Millen is gone!

It’s as if God himself has intervened on behalf of suffering Lions fans everywhere.

Matt Millen is gone!

I’m going to party like we just won the Super Bowl.

I will wallow in this glee with the full knowledge that this isn’t some sort of magic pill that will fix the Lions' problems overnight.  But somehow, hope has returned to the land of the destitute.

And for those of you who might be quick to remind me that we still have a terrible team, owned by a terrible owner, run by a terrible coach, and steeped in a terrible history, I have nothing but smiles to offer back.

We Lions fans will take our victories when we can get them.  And this one has been a loooooooooooooooong time coming.

A mighty wind has purged the stench from this club for the glorious moment.

Time will tell if it's but a shift in the breeze, or the tornado necessary to level the old and bring in the new.

But this much I know...


And he ain't coming back.