CC Sabathia Leaving The New York Yankees? 10 Lesser Bone-Head Moves (Satire)
Last season, New York Yankees ace CC Sabathia stated to the press that despite having the option to do so, he would not opt out of his contract. Joining the team in 2009, the big lefty's seven-year, $161 million deal has a clause that allows him to opt out after three years, should he want to.
Just yesterday, however, Sabathia hinted that he might exercise that clause after the season. Being a Yankee fan, I just had one response. WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Sabathia is, for all intents and purposes, the top dog of the Yankees pitching staff. Were he to opt out for more money, there aren't any other big market teams who would be able to swing the funds to do so. Long story short, it would be the stupidest career decision he could possibly make.
Hell, while we're at it, let's have a look at some other, less idiotic things that could happen!
No. 10: The New York Yankees Trade Brett Gardner To the San Francisco Giants for Pablo Sandoval
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The Yankees currently have their outfield set as follows: Nick Swisher in right, Curtis Granderson in center, and Brett Gardner in left. Two guys who can consistently hit the ball out of the yard, and one guy who has good speed and an average bat.
Being a greedy Yankee fan, I of course get super frustrated when there's a guy in the starting lineup who can't go deep regularly. I'm sorry, but with the game on the line in the bottom of the 9th and the tying run on 3rd, an infield single just isn't going to cut it. Gardner needs to go, and only for Pablo Sandoval.
Sandoval, known to his teammates as "Kung Fu Panda," would be a great fit in the Bronx. He's a switch-hitter with tremendous power and can play multiple positions. What's not to like??
Plus, he slimmed down quite a bit in the offseason. Why not give him a shot in the outfield?? I say pull the trigger on this and watch Babe Ruth 2.0 become a reality.
No. 9: The Red Sox Re-Signing Doug Mirabelli to Be Their Full-Time Catcher
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The current catching tandem that exists in Boston consists of team captain Jason Varitek and newcomer Jarrod Saltalamacchia, the latter being the starter. Wow. Just when I thought the Red Sox couldn't be any dumber in their decision-making, they go ahead and make a guy who can't even throw the ball back to the mound their starting backstop!
There's only one cure for this. Cut the man known as "Salty" and replace him with local folk hero Doug Mirabelli (pictured at left). Sure, the guy can't hit to save his life, but the fans love him! Plus, it could be a great opportunity for a new rallying cry at Fenway.
Move over, Kevin Millar Rally Karaoke....it's time for "Teach Me How 'Belli!"
No. 8: The New York Mets Change Their Name To the New York Mess
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I'm sorry but given the history of the other New York team over the past few season, this name change is perfect. When new manager Terry Collins goes public in saying that lefty disaster Oliver Perez (pictured at left) will compete for a spot in the starting rotation, that only means one thing. The team is a mess.
That being said, why should team management kid themselves? Make the name change!
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No. 7: Tim Lincecum Retires Midseason to Become a Sinatra Impersonator in Vegas
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Last season, ESPN analyst Tim Kurkjian pointed something out regarding San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum. For every season the kid known as "The Freak" has played, his fastball's velocity has dropped by nearly a mile per hour. That being said, it's obvious that Timmy is on the decline.
After a shaky first half that has the fans booing him, it would be smart for him to retire and pursue another career. Here's an idea..how about he go to Las Vegas, cut that hair and join a Rat Pack tribute group??
According to his father, Tim used to lip-sync Ol' Blue Eyes all the time as a child, so that job would be perfect. Plus, it's Vegas! Who doesn't like that place??
No. 6: Cliff Lee Wants Out Of Philly After a Fan Vomits on His Wife
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When he pulled a LeBron and joined an already stacked pitching rotation in Philadelphia, Cliff Lee said the Phillies were the team he wanted to be on all along. Rumors then swirled that he spurned New York because supposedly, during last season's ALCS, some rowdy fans spit on his wife.
Well, guess what, Cliffy-Boy?? New York fans may spit, but Philadelphia fans vomit on you! I hope for your sake that you don't crumble in the City of Brotherly Love, or else you might have some 'splainin to do at home one night..
No. 5: Derek Jeter Demands To Become the Permanent DH
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WIth his fielding percentage slipping and A-Rod demanding to move to shortstop, Derek Jeter will get tired of playing in the field and demand to bat only. An odd move for a man who constantly preaches about how much he loves shortstop, has played it his whole life, etc. Still, the guy is getting old! Time for him to step out of the spotlight and let A-Rod go back to his real position.
If this happens, place your bets on what Hank Steinbrenner will say about it!
No. 4: The Florida Marlins Sign a Player to a Long Term Deal and Keep Him
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Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria (pictured at left) is notorious for one thing: having a boatload of young talent on his team and then letting them walk. This astounds me. He goes on and on about how much he wants to win, and then lets an important contributor like Dan Uggla go to another team.
Hey, Jeff, here's an idea. You're loaded, you have some great prospects on the team you supposedly care so much about. INVEST IN THEM!!!!
No. 3: Nolan Ryan Comes Out of Retirement To Pitch For the Rangers Again
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Recently, Nolan Ryan threw out the first pitch at The Ballpark in Arlington. His speed was measured somewhere in the 80s. He may be over 60, but who's to say that Remarkable Ryan still can't produce on the field?
With a rotation hurting from the loss of Cliff Lee, Ryan could be a great addition. Hey, if Jaime Moyer can still throw at his age, why can't Ryan?? Time to get in shape, Nolan!
No. 2: CC Sabathia Leaves the Yankees for the Mets
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Last season, when the big lefty said he wouldn't opt out, he cited a number of reasons. He was building a house in New Jersey, his kids went to school in the area, and he legitimately liked playing in New York.
I don't think Sabathia will opt out and move his family but if he did, who's to say that the Mets wouldn't make a play for him? He could keep his house in Jersey, not have to worry about his kids' educations, and he could be the leader on a seemingly always rebuilding team!
I mean, honestly, who needs championships when you get to watch the kids on your team grow up to become major underachievers?
No. 1: David Ortiz Becomes a Full-Time Fielder
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Time to start pulling your weight, Papi! No more resting on the bench for half the game!
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.jpg?w=600 "Colts Release Kenny Moore")
