LeBron James Dunks Too Hard, Ends Up in Another Dimension (Satire)

Ed NoveloCorrespondent IIIFebruary 15, 2011

MILWAUKEE, WI - DECEMBER 06: LeBron James #6 of the Miami Heat goes up for a dunk against the Milwaukee Bucks at the Bradley Center on December 6, 2010 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The Heat defeated the Bucks 88-78. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and/or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)
Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

LeBron James had been missing for hours.

After unleashing an especially angry dunk at practice this past Monday, James disappeared in what teammates described as "an explosion of light." 

Chris Bosh—the recipient of the dunk—was the closest to the action.

"I knew he was mad because of the Celtics loss, so I thought I'd be a good friend and let him posterize me. It usually works," Bosh confessed. 

But then something unexpected happened—James done disappeared.

For hours players and coaches scrambled looking for the much-celebrated megastar, but to no avail. Dwyane Wade, the team's other megastar, took it upon himself to lead the search.

"I was just ready to step up, you know? That's what teammates do when one of their own goes disappearing. You gotta step up and be a leader," Wade told reporters.

But not all of the team joined in the search.

For a time, it seemed as though James' shocking departure left at least one player–Zydrunas Ilgauskas—shaken and speaking in, what was thought to be at the time, tongues.

This was not the case, however, as coaches later cleared up the misunderstanding, telling reporters that that's simply "how he talks."

"Yeah, it can be kinda hard to get used to at first, be we love him nonetheless," said team president Pat Riley, who appeared suddenly in a burst of flame, accented by the screaming of a thousand tormented souls. "Frankly, I just poke him with my pitch fork a couple times and he shuts up."

Perhaps most troubling during the search was what a few players described as an "abrupt outburst," from head coach Erik Spoelstra, who had fallen to his knees, screaming, "My job! My job! God why!?" repeatedly. 

When asked what led to the outburst, Spoelstra stated simply: "Freudian slip."

Out of desperation, Wade made a phone call to his best-friend, Charles Barkley, but he too had no answers. "I thought maybe Chuck could help, but he just kept saying 'thas turrible,' so I hung up," Wade said of the phone call. 

And then, as unlikely as he went, James returned.

When asked where he went, James said only: "Another dimension, I think."

Coach Spoelstra then handed James a dictionary to be sure he was using the correct word—this was, after all, the same player who allegedly didn't know what "contraction" meant.

"Yeah, another dimension," James confirmed.

Nobody knew exactly what he meant, nor did they really care—they had their megastar back.

"We were worried there for a bit. He's our best player and we're definitely less of a team when he's gone. To be frank, we pay him too much to just go disappearing into another dimension, " Spoeltra said.

As for James, he doesn't plan on going back anytime soon, saying that he'll, "just have to show some more restraint next time."

In the meantime, he'll just have to live with the memories of his unusual trip, because, as he says:

"It's not often you get to take your talents to another dimension."

Not often, indeed.