In response to what may be viewed as the largest, most prestigious college football dynasty to succumb to the perils of a down market, Notre Dame has been bought out by Michigan State mascot/mogul Sparty the Spartan.
That’s right—Sparty owns Notre Dame.
Once the darlings of the gridiron, the Irish's poor management decisions, stemming directly from the subprime mortgage extended to gastric bypass failure Charlie Weis, have left Notre Dame with desert liquidity, falling stocks, and little market confidence that the present leadership can right the ship.
It also appears that rabid speculation based on meaningless and exaggerated dividends reported after the San Diego State and Michigan quarters were poorly wrought and have left an overextended fanbase holding the bill.
After the Michigan State Spartans beat Notre Dame for the ninth time in 12 tries, including a memorable planting of the Sparty “S” at midfield with touchdown Jesus looking on, the latest installment proved to be the straw the broke the bank for the gold-domers.
Unable to contend with the bullish Javon Ringer, who was purchasing yards on the cheap and selling at six points a pop, the Irish exposed their vulnerability on the floor, particularly upfront, where their 11-man schemes designed to stop the run proved woefully ineffective and left Jimmy Clausen (yet another five-star investment that isn’t nearly that secure) rushed and dependent on the pass.
Though the Irish attempted to diversify their portfolio in the first half with a smattering of run calls, they were forced to abandon this tactic when they lost money (and yards) on the more conservative investments, and instead took their shot with the high risk/reward arm of their quarterback and the no-huddle offense.
After some initial success, in the end, no one was buying.
When asked after the game about the imminent buyout of the Irish offered by Sparty, Irish coach Charlie Weis had this to say: “Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em—that’s what I’ve always said.”
He added, “I don’t have to give back MY money, do I?”
When assured that he did not, he responded, “Then what the hell do I care?”
The man who once arrogantly promised his recruits that they would have a “tactical advantage” in every game they played can’t understand why their portfolio has so underachieved during his tenure. Blessed with capital, high profile, and “genius,” it must be the market’s fault. Or the players' fault.
"We weren't out-schemed, we were beaten," said Weis (for real), throwing his entire team under the bus, while hastily explaining away the illegal laptop confiscated from his coaching box.
Whether Sparty’s buyout has alleviated investment fears in the Irish community has yet to be seen, but when polled, four out of five fans admitted that they would rather have a drunken college kid in a Sparty uniform running their team than the aforementioned Weis.
This seemed to be confirmed by rumors that wealthy Notre Dame Alumni have apparently accumulated the $21 million necessary to buy Weis out from his position as the Irish head coach. That’s a lot of dough, and a hefty reward for poor management.
But this seems to be the trend of our times: idiot destroys the indestructible and then walks off into the sunset with his ill-gotten gains.
So for now, it seems that Sparty owns the mortgage on Notre Dame football, and in the spirit of capitalism, even we Spartan fans wouldn’t mind seeing this investment take a turn for the better.