Undisclosed sources within the catacombs of the NHL Head Office have revealed that commissioner Gary Bettman has been diagnosed with Confabulation Disorder. A controversial, some call vogue, diagnosis that is without positive test results, but is understood as a symptom complex of generalized aches and pains, perceptions of ennui, pressured nasal speech along with a myriad of subjective complaints.
Bettman’s well known smarmy mannerisms and mandarin contempt for all, while atypical, are also understood to be a feature of his condition. Sources closer to the commissioner simply report he hasn’t been laid in years despite buckets of cash and pleadings from an army of lawyers.
Scampering boffins within the League Office vociferously deny that two work stoppages, the loss of Canadian markets in lieu of problematic Sun Belt franchises where a mustard seed would struggle, and obsessive tinkering with the game have anything to do with Bettman’s state of mind or lack thereof. Those “remain incredibly excellent initiatives,” said the same anonymous source within the League Office.
Indeed, other sources within the League office loudly whispered that a deal with Mongolian TV is imminent that will bring untold prosperity to the league. It was later acknowledged that compensation will be in Canadian Tire money or horse dollars, both apparently replete in the Mongolian Kingdom. Go figure.
Recent musings about expansion to Europe are now said to be feasible because “Gary has developed a matter transport system” that will limit road trips to mere seconds. All this after Senator McCain admitted that his invention of the Blackberry was based on “Gary Bettman’s pioneering work.”
Bettman’s endorsement of a series of criminals as NHL owners drew nonplussed reactions and was described as minor hic cups on an otherwise smooth sail.
Bettman will not be undertaking any specific treatment for Confabulation Disorder as none exists except receipt of disability benefits and copious amounts of self absorption. Bettman, however, will continue working and quoted Alfred E Newman stating, “What me worry?”
That apparently is being left to fans of the NHL.
6 comments Last one added 9 months ago — Leave a Comment
Alan Bass 9 months ago
Is this supposed to be a funny article or is this true?
Edit Comment Cancel
Alan Bass 9 months ago
Cuz the sickness thing is not
Edit Comment Cancel
Elbow Murderpants 9 months ago
Humor
Edit Comment Cancel
Elbow Murderpants 9 months ago
Obviously... that's why it's under the listing of "Humor" (Top right-hand corner)
Edit Comment Cancel
Donna R 9 months ago
Mark - I get the 'idea' of humor with this, but not good overall. Would you have said the only treatment for cancer patients or juvenile diabetics was "receipt of disability benefits and copious amounts of self absorption?" To intertwine facts with 'humor' ("is understood as a symptom complex of generalized aches and pains, perceptions of ennui, pressured nasal speech along with a myriad of subjective complaints") only serves to belittle those who have to deal with the constant pain and fatigue of the condition. I hope neither you nor your loved ones ever have to bear the symptoms of fibromyalgia that slowly erode away quality of life. For those wondering, there are diagnostic criteria defined by the American College of Rheumatology for fibromyalgia and there are two medications approved by the FDA for treatment - please consult with your physician.
Bad call, Mark. Keep your stick on the ice when trying to be funny.
Edit Comment Cancel
Beau Temps 9 months ago
With all due respect, Donna. As someone who suffered from Juvenile Diabetes (and still suffers in adulthood) I do not believe my condition makes me, or the subject of diabetes, immune from humor. Nor would I use this forum as a place to indignantly assert the validity of my disease.
Though your effort to become the self-annointed arbiter of all that's humorous may be shared by others, your point of view on this subject is just that - your point of view.
Edit Comment Cancel
Leave a Comment
You must register to post a comment.