Undisclosed sources within the catacombs of the NHL Head Office have revealed that commissioner Gary Bettman has been diagnosed with Confabulation Disorder. A controversial, some call vogue, diagnosis that is without positive test results, but is understood as a symptom complex of generalized aches and pains, perceptions of ennui, pressured nasal speech along with a myriad of subjective complaints.
Bettman’s well known smarmy mannerisms and mandarin contempt for all, while atypical, are also understood to be a feature of his condition. Sources closer to the commissioner simply report he hasn’t been laid in years despite buckets of cash and pleadings from an army of lawyers.
Scampering boffins within the League Office vociferously deny that two work stoppages, the loss of Canadian markets in lieu of problematic Sun Belt franchises where a mustard seed would struggle, and obsessive tinkering with the game have anything to do with Bettman’s state of mind or lack thereof. Those “remain incredibly excellent initiatives,” said the same anonymous source within the League Office.
Indeed, other sources within the League office loudly whispered that a deal with Mongolian TV is imminent that will bring untold prosperity to the league. It was later acknowledged that compensation will be in Canadian Tire money or horse dollars, both apparently replete in the Mongolian Kingdom. Go figure.
Recent musings about expansion to Europe are now said to be feasible because “Gary has developed a matter transport system” that will limit road trips to mere seconds. All this after Senator McCain admitted that his invention of the Blackberry was based on “Gary Bettman’s pioneering work.”
Bettman’s endorsement of a series of criminals as NHL owners drew nonplussed reactions and was described as minor hic cups on an otherwise smooth sail.
Bettman will not be undertaking any specific treatment for Confabulation Disorder as none exists except receipt of disability benefits and copious amounts of self absorption. Bettman, however, will continue working and quoted Alfred E Newman stating, “What me worry?”
That apparently is being left to fans of the NHL.