Well, about a month ago I wrote part one of my long running one part series analysing the offseason shaking and baking of the NBA. I also mentioned my upcoming impressions of the West for the following week. It's now three weeks late. This was due to a factor of a brand new school year, my general distaste of the Western conference, and laziness.
But no more! The highly awaited, though woefully underrated, one sentence take on what the Whooping West did during it's offseason beings! Now! Right below this line.
Dallas Mavericks: Rightfully rid themselves of Avery Johnson, whom I had called John Avery until four minutes ago when Wikipedia set me straight, and signed Rick Carlisle and Gerald Green.
Rating: One newly revamped coaching staff out of a 500ml bottle of Nowitzki weak sauce.
Denver Nuggets: Signed J.R. Smith and that lanky white dude who tried something like 90 attempts at dunking during the dunk contest a few years back.
Rating: A happily rich J.R. Smith out of a still messed up Nuggets organization.
GS Warriors: Snagged Corey Maggette and managed to keep Ellis, but they still lost the Beard.
Rating: Two nice signings out of the the nice chuckle we all had when Elton Brand gave Davis the finger upon arrival before jetting to Philly.
Houston Rockets: Signed the stupidly ineffectual Loren Woods and a twilight years Brent Barry.
Rating: Two slowl head shakes out of the disappointment of 5.6 million Houstonians when the team again fails in the playoffs.
LA Clippers: Drafted DeAndre Jordan, signed Davis, Jason Williams and Eric Gordon but lost Elton Brand.
Rating: One baby brother franchise finally catching up to its big brother out of on LA still not giving a damn about the Clippers.
LA Lakers: Locked up the unstoppable Sasha Vujacic and the eclectic Sun Yue.
Rating: One sarcastic comment out of everyone outside of LA still hating the Lakers.
Memphis Grizzlies: Drafted OJ Mayo and got Marco Jaric.
Rating: A nice draft choice out of me still thinking about murderous mayonnaise when I say the guy's name.
Minnesota Timberwolves: Drafted the Love Machine and signed Starbury's lil' cousin.
Rating: One dominant white guy out of three Yaaaah's.
New Orleans Hornets: Had another hurricane.
Rating: One condolences out of one heartfelt recommendation that maybe NO isn't the best place to live nowadays.
Oklahoma City: Why the f**k is there an NBA team in Oklahoma city?
Rating: A very peeved Seattle out of one "Why the f**k is there an NBA team in Oklahoma city?"
Phoenix Suns: Steve Nash played soccer.
Rating: A super cool Canadian Steve Nash out of a very aged, lethargic, and unmotivated Steel.
Portland Trail Blazers: Signed Rudy "I took a dump on Dwight Howard, did you see?" Fernandez and Cool Hand Luke Jackson.
Rating: A few bench players out of a still stagnant Blazers squad.
Sacramento Kings: Signed Beno Udrih to a multi-year contract.
Rating: One satisfied Udrih out of one me's still wondering why I'm writing anything about the Kings.
San Antonio Spurs: Resigned Kurt Thomas and Michael Finley.
Rating: A status-quo Spurs squad out of an entire nation wondering how a squad of skeletons could play so well.
Utah Jazz: Did a bunch of things that essentially amounted acquiring Brevin Knight.
Rating: A happy Brevin Knight out of a must be pissed Carlos Boozer who didn't play at all in the Olympics.
Well, there ends my epic two-logy (bilogy? Dilogy?). I hope anyone who's actually bothered to read these things enjoyed them half as much as I did writing them.
One final word before I go (to sleep), though: Watch out for skunks.
Good night, God speed, sayonara, au revoir. Here's looking at you.
PS. If you find any glaring grammatical errors or disagree with a statement, please feel free to edit or augment your opinion into the article.
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