In the Lead Up to the Super Bowl Nobody Is Asking an Important Question (Satire)

Carl D. CarlucciCorrespondent IFebruary 2, 2011

Peter King is just really worried about the cold weather's effect on Harry Carson's arthritis.
Peter King is just really worried about the cold weather's effect on Harry Carson's arthritis.Jemal Countess/Getty Images

What is to become of all the golf games journalists such as Peter King and Les Carpenter are looking to play between rounds of interviews in the days leading up to the big game?

Doesn't the NFL know that, other than having their expenses paid to attend the biggest American sporting event of the year, these men are dependent upon temperate climates to fortify the fact that their job for this week is pretty much a vacation?

How dare they choose such a frigid setting as Dallas to host the Super Bowl! And to think, they've also had the gall to schedule the 2014 Super Bowl in New York.

King and Carpenter are going to have a terrible time dealing with the cold. Is the NFL not concerned about this at all?

It is their journalistic, neigh, their moral duty to bitch and moan about this situation without really providing any legitimate reasons for exactly why these decisions are so poor. We are left to guess at their vitriol against these venues.

"When the Packers and Steelers practice Wednesday through Friday...the daily high temps will be 27, 36 and 38, respectively. Oh, and with snow showers and wintry mix off and on. Gotta love these temperate Super Bowl sites," writes King. "So, the average high in and around Arlington, where the Super Bowl will be played Sunday, 34 for the three practice days. In New Jersey: 31."

"Miami: 80. (True: Miami is predicted to have highs of 82, 79 and 79.) Hey, but who's counting?"

Don't be so coy, Peter. Obviously you are. And for good reason. Why should you have to pack a winter jacket during the winter to do your job. Doesn't the NFL know that your knees sweat so much less in shorts, that your toes feel so much freer in a pair of sandals than a pair of galoshes and that your flabby man-boobs breath so much easier in Hawaiian shirts than winter coats?

And the scene that Les Carpenter describes seems to come right out of Emmerich's The Day After Tomorrow:

"Downtowns were deserted. A wind whipped mini tornadoes of ice down nearly vacant avenues. On one freeway fly-over, stalled tractor trailers locked in an ice-driven jackknife blocked all the on- and off-ramps. Cars rested in ditches. And yet the NFL pushed on."

Onward the NFL pushed into a post-apocalyptic oblivion, oblivious to the fact that the Super Bowl would be a complete failure because poor King and Carpenter are cold.

They're at risk of frostbite people!

"The success of the Super Bowl always came with balmy afternoons where fans and sponsors could enjoy golf junkets and the game was certain to be played in conditions no worse than rain," writes Carpenter.

That's some serious knowledge Carpenter just dropped there. Here I thought the success of the Super Bowl always came with the hundred million people that watch it.

So you see, it's not the hundreds of millions of dollars generated by the Super Bowl that makes it a huge success, it's the ability of "fans" such as King and Carpenter to enjoy golf-junkets with Papa John. Apparently, Dave Thomas, may he rest in peace, used to throw one hell of a rager during Super Bowl week.

But alas, Roger Goodell has put an end to this fun by allowing cities other than Carpenter's rotation of Miami, San Diego and New Orleans to host.

Do you remember the scene in The Day After Tomorrow when Dennis Quaid walks to a frozen New York City to save his son? Peter King will have no part of that; damn it, the man only runs half marathons, he won't be able to pull off a similar stunt to save Tom Brady!

And God help us all if Carpenter has to deal with just one fewer golf junket with the people; Danica Patrick tends to show up and Carpenter swears he is one or two smooth lines (and a rufilin pill) away from bagging that.

Thank God Chicago mayoral candidate Gery Chico is third in the race at the moment. His idea for a Super Bowl in Chicago is dangerous; King and Carpenter can put up with New York because of the pizza, but deep dish is where they draw the line.