Pro Bowl Jokes and Other Super Fun
Hawaii’s vaunted Pro Bowl. Who doesn't love it? OK, don't answer that. The NFC won 55-41—96 points? The end zones were more popular than the Cairo airports.
Being that close to Pearl Harbor, you’d think somebody would put up some sort of defense.
There’s no blitzing allowed in the Pro Bowl. No blitzing? It’s like basketball with no dunking. Wait, we have that. It’s called the WNBA.
No blitzing. So the QBs had plenty of time to look around for Barack’s birth certificate.
What, the Hoodie Doesn't Go With a Lei?
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When you get a TD in a meaningless game like this, do you thank a lesser deity? "I'd like to thank St. Francis of Assisi. And the Rev. Al Sharpton."
With over 49,000 in attendance, the game almost sold out. It's that "close, but not quite" thing that made the Jets players feel right at home.
A tropical rainstorm hit Honolulu before the game. When he heard it was raining cats and dogs, Michael Vick instinctively yelled, "Not guilty!"
Not a Flag, a Towel!
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Turns out The Steeler Terrible Towels are made in Wisconsin by a Packers fan. Just glad it’s an American company.
I tried to use one of those to clean up a spill. It sucks. That is a TERRIBLE towel.
They need to get some yellow ShamWows.
The Panthers don’t have a terrible towel. They cut out the middle man. They just have a terrible team.
This Bowl Must Be Huge
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The first Super Bowl was in 1967—Chiefs and Packers. They had $12 tickets, and didn't sell out. Sounds like one of MY shows (check out my schedule).
The 2011 Super Bowl crowns the winner of the 2010 season. To “help clear up the confusion” the NFL decided to use roman numerals. Roman numerals are awful! This is Super Bowl XLV. What is that? BJ Raji’s shirt size?
They don’t even use Roman Numerals in Rome. Can you imagine a speed limit sign in Roman Numerals? "Wait, 50 minus 10 plus five...We’re dead!"
Can Somebody Wipe This Thing Down? Terrible Towel Anyone?
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The Super Bowl winner gets the Vince Lombardi trophy. That guy was intense.
“Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.” “You show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser.” I don’t want him coaching my kid’s soccer team.
“The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.” This is a man who didn’t live to see the Kardashians.
This Trophy Doesn't Say No To Me
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Pittsburgh already has the most Super Bowl wins at six. Dallas and San Fran have five each. Denver, Minn and Buffalo have lost the most, with four each. Buffalo lost four in a row.
Losing four in a row? Ouch. Or as the Carolina Panthers call that: September.
The Panthers were 1-15. You know your team sucks when you realize that if they started my 2-year-old daughter at QB, they would have only lost one more game this year.
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Ticket brokers are selling $600 Super Bowl tickets for $2,000 or $3,000. When I was young, scalping was illegal. We’d go hide in the alley.
In college, there’d be ads in the paper for “pencils.” Buy two pencils for $100 each and get two tickets free. We found a loophole!
"This is not prostitution. I paid her $300 to have dinner with me. Everything else is just gravy..."
By the way, I don't understand how prostitution is illegal, but filming pornography is legal. So just film yourself, and if you ever get caught, just say, “I’m not a john, I’m a producer!”