The Green Bay Packers have left the building...
Yes, friends, it came to my attention today that the Green Bay Packers left the State of Wisconsin in order to go to Dallas for the Super Bowl. While I knew this was going to happen, and while I have also been eagerly anticipating this for the past few weeks, I am also aware that this means that we are one step closer to the Super Bowl. And one step closer to the 2010 football season ending.
So I have taken it upon myself, after some prodding by friends, family and comments, to give you some friendly reminders on how to pass the time prior to the Super Bowl and also after the season has ended. This list is by no means all encompassing, however, and additions may be added at a later date and time. Additionally, this list is not endorsed by the Bleacher Report or this writer for that matter. I am just offering helpful hints on how to pass the time.
Let's begin, shall we?
1) Perfect shaving whatever letter you are in "GO PACK GO" in your chest and/or back fur. This is a cheap, yet meaningful, way to spend time with your loved ones. Fellas, grab your favorite lady friend and have her assist you with shaving the hard-to-reach areas. Get a bunch of your buddies together and relive your glory days, or the last Packer game you attended. It is almost a guarantee that someone will mention chest hair, often to hilarious laughter all around.
However, if you plan to attempt this with your buddies, and one person is going to be shaving everyone, make sure that 1) the person shaving the group has not consumed more than 10 beers prior to conducting this experiment. This will reduce unnecessary bleeding and unexplainable nipple amputations. The people being shaved may consume as much alcohol as deemed necessary to make it through this potentially painful experience. 2) The person who is completing the shaving can spell. Nobody wants to see "Gee Pats, gee!" This could be a painful reminder to Patriots fans that they lost in the playoffs. As I am sure that they are still smarting from the loss, this could additionally result in nipple amputation. 3) All involved parties are aware that once the Lady Daisy razor comes out, head shaving may be involved. Do not attempt this prior to a wedding or family picture. Your lady friend will not be happy. 4) All involved parties can stand together to spell the words correctly. This is imperative.
Upon effectively completing this task, you are ready to go to Lambeau next year. If you have not effectively completed this task, you will have to schedule a re-do once the stitches come out or your chest and/or back fur grows back in. Depending on your fur growing capability, this could be days, weeks or months. Consider this when attempting this task. Ladies, you may not be eligible to participate in this event.
2) Super glue your fingers together, and not for any other reason than you want to. As I have stated, I live in Wisconsin. Green Bay has the nickname "The Frozen Tundra" for a reason, you know. It is cold. It is snowing RIGHT NOW and will continue to snow until at least MARCH. And the people of Wisconsin are threatening to leave the sanctity of the frozen tundra for warmer climates. Unless you want us to break out of the borders to pursue warmer climates, you may need to give us a distraction. Thus, the Super Bowl. Thanks, Dallas and the Bears.
Back to the Super Glue: Since it is so cold and snowy, the majority of the conversations in Wisconsin begin with, "I hate winter and/or snow." One of the main reasons for this is that the cold sucks all the moisture out of your skin, to the point that Wisconsinites are former shells of themselves when springtime finally shows up in this blessed state. Short of laying out a Slip and Slide, slathering it down with lotion and going for a ride, it has been determined that we must moisturize.
I do have a point, trust me.
In order to lock in moisture, some of my beloved family members, who shall remain nameless to protect their identities, have taken it upon themselves to put Super Glue on what remains of their cracked, dry hands. While this does not seem as fun as the Slip and Slide idea, it does, occasionally, have hysterical consequences. Ever seen someone super glued to their dog's leash? I have.
It is in your best interest to do this when you ABSOLUTELY KNOW you have nothing else that needs to be done, at least for one minute or so. Do not attempt to go to the bathroom after performing this amazing feat. Did you not read about the dog's leash? You see where I'm heading with this one.
3) Watch the evening news. Seriously, it's a good thing to know what is going on in the world. For example, did you know that a poll was taken showing that Miley Cyrus was the worst role model for kids?
On second thought, don't watch the news. Save your brain for the next idea.
4) Make snotty, sarcastic comments on your favorite social networking site. Try to humor yourself by posting as many annoying Packers facts on your favorite Vikings fan's wall. Not only can you take out your aggressions over the whole Brett Favre thing, but you can rub in the fact that the Packers are going to the Super Bowl. You may also instigate comment wars on any other football fan's wall. The picture floating around on the Internet of the hospital in Pittsburgh that is wrapping their newborn babies in Terrible Towels? Yeah, I commented on that one. Hilarity ensued and a good time was had by all.
5) Mentor youth in your neighborhood/community. If you are going to do this, you must remain sober, however, so this option may not be for everyone. If you are going to be a fan of the Green Bay Packers, you must share this with the younger crowd. Why, I have seen kids who have never been out of the great State of Wisconsin wearing Michael Vick jerseys! The travesty! The injustice!
Don't let this be your kid, or your neighbor's kid, either. This must be stopped. Thus, the need for mentors.
Well, friends, I have given you a start on how to address your boredom. If you can think of anything else, I am waiting patiently...After all, there's no football on... And the Slip and Slide is packed away, in the shed, outside, in about six feet of snow.
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