50 Things Sure to Happen in Baseball over the Next Few Months

John ScottCorrespondent ISeptember 16, 2008

This is a list of 50 things that are going to happen in the MLB over the next few months, enjoy!

50) Yankee Stadium urinals sell for upwards of $5,000.
50b) Derek Jeter’s locker sells for $100k.

49) Endy Chavez will do something great (he’s long past due).

49b) Bobby Cox will finally retire (he’s long past due).

48) Mets’ fans fail to buy any artifacts from Shea, refusing to award management for keeping them in that awful stadium for so long.

47) Jose Guillen will demand to be traded. Royal fans will rejoice. The Yankees will pick up the embattled slugger for upwards of $15 million in an attempt to show that, while they no longer make the playoffs, they still can buy anyone they want.

46) The Royals will finish last for the fifth straight year, and then get rid of their best hitter, Jose Guillen. Fans continue to rejoice.

45) Erik Bedard will pull himself after two innings of work in the neighborhood softball game. Alas, with six strikeouts and a perfect game, he simply could not go on.

44) Rocco Baldelli will have some kind of drink named after him. I don’t know what kind of drink, but I am sure this will happen. Perhaps (Bacardi on the Rocco).

43) The Marlins will play a game in which the only fans are relatives of players or those who thought the Dolphins game was at home.
43b) The Marlins still finish with higher attendance than the Rays.

42) Rally Monkey ignites riots in the greater Los Angeles area. I like that guy, I really do.

41) Steve Bartman and the billy goat will escape eternal damnation, as the Cubs will finally reach the World Series.

40) Brad Penny will date another beautiful baseball fan, giving hope to all ugly 6’4” guys with above average bite on their breaking ball.

39) K-Rod will get more saves than the Mariners, Nationals, and Padres get wins, and then scream to the heavens when he hears the news.

38) Dustin Pedroia will be shot by some crazed fan that cannot stand the little man’s incessant yapping and power. (That fan may be me, but I am not guaranteeing anything).

37) Curt Schilling will show up alongside John McCain with a bloody sock and the remarkable ability to win big games.

36) Fernando Tatis will hit three grand slams in one inning. And Aaron Heilman will proceed to lose the game by giving up 17 runs in the eighth.

35) Francisco Liriano’s agent petitions the Players’ Union when the Twins fail to make the playoffs.

34) During the Presidential Election, Scott Boras will announce that his client Barry Zito has opted out of his contract to start a jazz band with Yankees great Bernie Williams (Bronson Arroyo will also be on vocals).

33) The entire Rockies team, along with Atlanta folk hero Chipper Jones, will be gored by angry deer, avenging the loss of Bambi’s mother.

32) Derek Jeter will bag another gorgeous Hollywood starlet...with a crew cut.

31) Mariners will move to Oklahoma City and change their name to the Lightning. Erik Bedard is left behind.

30) Victor Martinez will hit his second home run of the year.

31b) Jason Tyner will hit his second home run of his career, someday.

29) Andruw Jones will learn that not even strippers are attracted to .150 hitters.

29b) Andruw Jones does not care because he knows he made $9 million every time he hit a home run this past season.

28) The Yankees will again pick up Richie Sexson (hey, who doesn’t need a big bat). The Yankees will then release him, again.

27) Miguel Cabrera will challenge Masa Kobayashi to a hot-dog eating contest (the gangly Japanese vs. the pudgy Venezuelan).

26) New Life board game: Milton Bradley edition. Torn ACL: Go back one step, beer bottle in the stands, lose a turn, bucket of balls on the field: Screw it, move forward two steps.

25) Eric Gagne retires after announcing he is Canadian. Fans do not care until they realize he is French-Canadian (the worst kind of Canadian).
25b) Gagne signs with Brewers to run in the celebrated hot-dog race (Dismissed after testing positive for HGH).

24) Albert Pujols will rework a deal for $300 million...Then use it to build homes for the needy.

23) Brewers’ fans in tears after learning both Sheets and Sabathia are going to the Yankees (Each sign a five-year deal worth $200 million).

23b) The Brewers then realize they traded their top prospects for CC and failed to make the playoffs.

22) A-Rod rehires Boras in a quest to regain MLB’s largest salary, pointing out that he has hit walk-off home runs in consecutive MLB the Show World Series games...“I swear I’m clutch Mr. Steinbrenner.”

21) The Dodgers and Red Sox meet in the World Series. Manny is prohibited from using the urinal in the Green Monster.

20) Jonathan Papelbon’s dog raids HOF and destroys all significant baseballs. (Papelbon sheepishly shrugs it off, claims he would have done the same thing).

19) Matthew McConaughey shows up to a Dodgers’ game shirtless. Along with the rest of the fans, he leaves in the sixth inning to beat traffic.

18) Matt Holliday beats Kimbo Slice in an MMA bout. Holliday attributes success to his forearms.

18b) Matt Holliday then leaves the MLB to star in Discovery Channel’s Fight Quest.

17) Todd Helton’s number. Nothing in this article will be put before it.

16) Chone Figgins' name is continually mispronounced by the casual fan (“Darn! I can’t believe I missed that silent Shawn, Chowney did sound a bit off though”).

15) The White Sox will acquire departed slugger Frank Thomas to claim that they have every great slugger of the '90s. Barack Obama will again express his South Side allegiance. (Curt Schilling will condemn him. Curt Schilling loves John McCain).

15b) The White Sox then acquire Rafael Palmiero, who comes back from retirement. He then credits his desire to play and regained strength to Viagra.

14) A batter will complain that he is distracted by Max Scherzer’s different colored eyes (MLB will take the side of the hitter and require Scherzer to wear colored contacts).

13) Joe Torre will be managing another team in October, while the coach who replaced him will spend October looking for a new job!

12) The Astros will make the playoffs. Brad Lidge will give up a 550-foot bomb to Albert Pujols. Please don’t tell me Lidge is no longer on the ‘Stros. Also, disregard the Cardinals in the playoffs.

11) B.J. Upton does not run out a groundball for the rest of the year, but he loves to run so much that he is caught stealing 15 times.

10) Nothing much to say about the Nationals, they’re still going to be awful.

9) Although the deadline has passed, A’s GM Billy Beane will find a way to get rid of ace Justin Duchscherer.

8) Livan Hernandez will be picked up by a GM who still remembers his gritty performance in the 1997 World Series.

7) The Rangers will lose a game 39-35. Hamilton will hit 12 home runs.

6) Coco Crisp will be featured on a Wheaties Box after the Red Sox steal another World Series.

5) David Eckstein will be traded to another team looking for a spark. The spark will be there, the offense will not.

4) Denard Span makes "Web Gems" for the 31st night in a row. Congratulations to you young man.

3) Ichiro will declare himself Cinco Uno. Claims to be inspired by Chad Ocho Cinco. Together, they will then race a horse. And win.

2) Umpire Doug Eddings will find/create an obscure rule to help weasel A.J. Pierzynski’s White Sox into the World Series. 

1) Matt Holliday will finally touch home plate.

Please comment the ones that you liked the most!


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