Inside the Montreal Canadiens Dressing Room: The Battle Over Pizza!
Alex Tanguay, Marc Denis, Georges Laraque, and Robert Lang sit patiently, wondering what the hell they have put themselves into.
Today's debate is about whether or not they should have pepperoni on the pizzas.
"Kovy, you are the man. Tell us," says a voice somewhere in the crowd. It has got a very strong Russian accent, but most of the heads are nodding.
A very offended Saku Koivu stands on the bench, as completely hidden behind Ryan O'Byrne earlier. "Wait a minute. I AM still your Captain. I may not score as much, and represent the team as much, but I am still here for God's sake. So I get to decide."
"At least Alexei knows how to order in French. Merci Alex," says Brisebois from the other side of the room, trying to erase the wheelchair drawings Sergei Kostitsyn made on his locker.
"Shut it, grandpa. Don't think you're a Chris Chelios or something. Do it like your contract signing, wait behind everyone else!"
"Whatever. Anyway, you guys want to have 10 or 12, and classic or crispy?" Asks Kovalev, whose voice has arisen a deep respect in the room.
"But no peppers, they fall off. It's like Saku's career. It falls off pretty often," says a young man sitting deep in the corner, with a Red Deer hat on his head. If you take a closer look, he has got goalie pads on.
"Hey you, mister I-am-the-next-Patrick-Roy. If you did not choke during the second round, I would be in Finland now with my Stanley Cup ring. So stop being such a smart mouth, Lucky Luke."
"At least I am not the next Saku Koivu," replies the kid, as he reads the menu.
"You might need to," stops Jaroslav Halak, still wondering who has written "Forever Backup" on his locker. "I am going to get the first spot, Marco (Denis) will get the second one. You, bye bye!"
"See what happened to Cristo (Huet) and Yann? That is called the Price effect. I am so going to sit on you. Hum, not too much cheese please."
"Make it 12, please. Price is going to eat them all, so that he can just be down on his knees and fill up the entire net. You know, that is no accomplishment, you big, giant... elephant!"
"Nobody told you to be built up like a 12 year old. So shut it."
As the two goaltenders are about to throw one to each other, Kostopoulos jumps in. Always there whenever a brawl starts (please refer to Tampa Bay Police Department).
Hearing the call of this great hockey feature that is fighting, Laraque droped the golf gloves he was showing to Tanguay. "This is when I get into the picture. Back off Tommy."
"But that is the only thing I am good at," replies Kostopoulos, looking confused and about to be crying. "You can't take that away from me. I am this team's Gordie Howe. I am this team's Gggggg...mmmmmm," as Laraque puts one page of the menu in his mouth.
The entire room heats up, while Mathieu Dandenault tries to stick his picture on the Hall-of-Famers wall in the locker room. Next to him, Brisebois is drawing diapers on Sergei Kostitsyn's locker.
Suddenly, Bob Gainey enters and the silence is so deep that the room gets colder. "You boys are giving me headaches. We do everything for you. You felt too young, here is Denis. You felt too scoreless, there is Tanguay. You wanted a big guy, Laraque is right there. You wanted a new center, Lang! So what is it this time?"
"Wait a minute, what was that supposed to mean?" Suddenly screams Marc Denis.
"I am not old either," discreetly says Brisebois. "At least I can eat whatever I want since I don't have speed issues," he adds, giving a funny look at Guillaume Latendresse.
"You and I, right now," replies an angry Latendresse.
Steve Begin was about to separate the two players when back cramps suddenly hurt the player. The team will later issue an announcement saying that he got a upper body injury during the training camp and will be out indefinitely. Actually, they used the same paper all season long, they will just change the date.
Another silence was felt as Carbonneau got in with an uglier tie than his last one. "I want a lot of meat on my pizza. If you boys are not happy about it, then screw you. I can change, switch, move anyone, anywhere, and anytime in my lineups. So don't piss me off, gentlemen. Don't try me or you'll see yourself skating next to Youppi."
Saku Koivu was still on his bench, trying to grip Kovalev's jersey with his stick.
"Stop it, Saku. We are not on the ice," shoots the coach. A remark that would get the whole room laugh.
"13 freakin' years and this is what I get? No freakin' pepperoni?" says a very angry Captain, whose stick has been broken in two by Kovalev, who also pasted a paper made "C" on his jersey.
"Because you think you are a gift?" Says a very calm Gainey. Almost too calm to be serious. "We had to trade away Ribeiro for your eyes. You asked us to stop looking for Sundin so you won't get into the shadows. I think we have the right not to take pepperoni if that is what we want to do."
And the arguing starts again as the room comes back to life.
Laraque and Kostopoulos are at the point when the referees should intervene, while Begin is still lying on the floor, unable to get up. Meanwhile, Dandenault realized he pasted the picture on the wrong side, and Marc Denis and Jaroslav Halak are doing a little Patrick/Jonathan Roy impersonation to irritate Carey Price.
"Is this always like this?" ask Lang and Tanguay, with deep concern, to Roman Hamrlik.
"This is nothing. Wait until you see them chose the beverages!"
But everything stops again when Foster Gillett enters the room. "If I don't get my pizza, I'll tell you to my dad."
Finally everyone agreed on having a vote, to finally let Kovalev order in French.
"We have a very tight group of guys in the room. We all stand for each other no matter what. I am looking forward to this great season," will later say Saku Koivu during an interview.
Of course, this is all fiction guys, cheers!
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