Just as the USC Appeals delegation was about to leave Indianapolis after presenting their case to the NCAA Appeals Committee, they became aware of a new crop of infractions being levied against the university.
After viewing numerous internet videos as well as posters and other paraphernalia from the USC bookstore, the Committee on Infractions has determined that the USC Song Girls present an unfair recruiting advantage for both the football and basketball programs.
The COI has demanded that the university disband the Song Girls and remove any and all likenesses thereof from the campus and the internet.
A member of the USC delegation pointed out that leading cheerleader authority and sports journalist Scott Wolf had ranked the Oregon Duck cheerleaders as the most gorgeous and inviting in college athletics.
However, a spokesperson for the COI cited Katy Perry’s “California Gurls,” as the premier testimonial on such matters. He called the song’s rise to the top of the national charts and the pervasive dissemination of Perry’s video a further proof of USC’s unfair advantage in recruiting top athletes from across the nation.
The COI spokesperson also pointed out that Snoop Dogg, a frequent guest on USC’s sideline during the Pete Carroll era and often associated with the university, appears both in the video and on the soundtrack of “California Gurls,” thus presenting a further infraction.
In addition to the Song Girls and Perry’s recording, the spokesperson listed the proximity to Southern California beaches, bikini-clad women, and mild weather year-round as unfair advantages in national recruiting.
The COI is recommending that USC remove all beaches within a 30-mile shoreline of Los Angeles over the next four years. If that is not possible, then the university must relocate to a site just east of Barstow, CA, in the middle of Death Valley.
Apparently the COI is also disturbed that USC has most the foreign students of all American universities. In what the COI calls an equality measure, the committee has demanded that US give foreign students fair representation on both the football and basketball teams.
In the same spirit of Title IX, out of all scholarships for football and basketball, the NCAA requires USC institute the following breakdown: 15 percent South American, 15 percent Eastern European, 10 percent Arabian, 10 percent African and 20 percent Asian.
A member of the USC delegation said that they would carefully consider these recommendations and would respond in due time.
Until then, the university has no further comment.