Lockout Schmockout: What Will NFL Stars Be Up to Without Football (Satire)?
As the 2010-11 NFL season comes to a close, fans across the globe are left to wonder, “What will become of our men of muscle next season?
Will there even be a next season?
Will we be treated to 16, 18, or None-Teen games?
Say, what in the hell is a lockout anyway?
Are NFL players going to be trapped in a roller rink or YMCA gymnasium somewhere, telling ghost stories and having Mountain Dew drinking contests till their mom’s pick them up the next morning?
Seriously, does my ass look fat in these jeans?
Well, that’s a lot of wondering…
While HTMS can’t answer all of these questions, it is safe to say that a) your ass looks HUGE in those jeans (which is fine by us), and 2) we’ll do our best, as journalists, to uncover some answers. HTMS caught up with some of your favorite American footballers to find out what they would do in the event of a lockout next season.
Brett Favre - “I’m playin’...I...I don’t care. I’m not going out like I did. Fix that roof, send me a plane on down here to Mississippi, and lets win another Super Bowl. We’re playin’. You’ll see. If I decide to come back, everyone else will figure it out. There gonna have to, simple as that. I don’t care. I’m playin’, they’re playin, I’m winnin’, they’re losing, then I’m done. It’d be my last season and it would be kick-ass. Everybody would love it. Fox would love it cuz they love me and, well, I love them, too. We’ve loved each other since the ‘90’s. I’d name my son Fox if I had one. Fox Wrangler Favre. What’s that? If THAT don’t work? Guess I’ll try and get on Entourage or somethin’. I’d be kick-ass on that show. Fit right in with the guys…”
Tony Romo - “Well, you’ve reached his grandmother. Yes. I will tell him that you are trying to reach him, Mr. Sports. Do not call this number again. I don’t speak for Tony. What’s that? Well, I never! Good DAY sir.”
Laurence Maroney - “Look, I’m gonna need to call you back. There’s like, fifteen dudes waiting for the payphone in here. I’m supposed to say no comment to everything so…I guess that’s what I’ll be doing. No commenting.”
Plaxico Burress - “Look, I’m gonna need to call you back. There’s, like, fifteen dudes waiting for the payphone up in here. I’m supposed to say no comment to everything so…alright, you got a sec? Cool? Alright. I’m gonna put out a line of sweatpants that have a gun holster built up in that bitch. So, like, when you’re at the club, right? And you wanna go strapped, but still wanna rock your club sweatpants? Boom. Wait, nah, not like BOOM. No boom. More like POW with out the band, or whatever. I dunno. I’m an idea man, not some ad dude or whatever. Got a business plan and all that, got my people on it, so its all good. Fruit of the Loom is down. We have a meeting next week up in here. Look out for Plax Slacks.”
Jeff Saturday - “What’d Peyton say? Probably whatever he’s up to.”
Peyton Manning - “I’m gonna do a pretty dawgone funny commercial with Justin Timberlake, where we’ve got these funny glasses on and he’s like, “What’s with this T.V. set? Is it 3-D?” and I’m all like, “Guess.”, and I whip a football real good at his noggin. But then, like, aww, get this, like, before the ball’s about to take his block off, Pierce Morgan comes outta nowwhere, right? And he pauses the 3-D T.V. and like, Justin says something that, gosh-honestly, is gonna make you cry you’ll laugh so hard. Pierce didn’t laugh, but I don’t think that dude laughs much. Then, probably golf with Justin a bit. Maybe have a kid. Watch some Netflix. I’ve got plans. It’s gonna be good to sort of separate myself from old Saturday for a while.”
Hank Baskett - “Gonna sit down and read Kendra’s book. It’s called Heading into home or Stealing Away Home From…its good, good book. I’m gonna really, really read it. Again. Read it again.”