Leaf-itis: Diagnosing a Disease Caused by Toronto Maple Leafs

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Leaf-itis: Diagnosing a Disease Caused by Toronto Maple Leafs
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Hey, this guy makes a nice chair!

What Is Leaf-itis?

Leafitis is an ongoing disorder that affects hockey aptitude of professional hockey players donning a Leafs jersey. Its onset is usually slow but accelerates rapidly in the latter stages of the disease.

It causes the complete devaluation of a player's career as well as their self-respect.

Players suffering from the disease often go into long bouts of cluelessness.

The disease affects coaches and management even more seriously than players with many sufferers flushing solid reputations down the toilet.

Many Leafitis sufferers have even been known to take a long time to recover when they leave the "risk area" commonly known as "Toronto Hockey."

 

What Are the Causes?

Although there have been numerous studies and articles written about the causes of Leafitis, to date there appears to be no solid evidence to support a specific source or antigen.

Many have attributed the cause of Leafitis as being directly related to the media scrutinizing of players and the inherent stress that might cause. Others have attributed to the "curse of Maple Leaf Gardens" and the demons surrounding the sex abuse scandals of days gone by.

What are the best potential remedies to fight this disease?

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What Are the Symptoms?

The most common symptom of Leafitis is an apparent lack of ability to win games consistently.

Another regular symptom is complete amnesia when it comes to the concept of applying their defensive skills.

A few more subtle symptoms are: poor shooting, not shooting at all, coasting around the centre ice area instead of skating, showing up for the first period as though they just woke up, tremendous fear of being hit by the puck and total lack of understanding of the concept of team play.

 

The Pathology

Many coaches and managers have invested millions of dollars to get to the heart of this disease and its causes without any success.

 

The Current Status

As witnessed by its sufferer's failure to enter the playoffs, this disease appears to be getting worse and is affecting younger and younger victims.

 

Side Effects

Justin K. Aller/Getty Images
Wilson shouts "Okay guys, no more chili before the games, for Christ's sake!"

Most of the side effects are actually felt by fans and supporters of the sufferers who have to painfully observe their beloved players fall to the crushing power of this horrible disease.

 

Prognosis

For many sufferers the prognosis is not good unless they leave the contaminated area. Many can expect shortened careers, salary contraction and sometimes, for the worst of sufferers, being traded to Atlanta.

 

Conclusions

With all the millions invested in fighting this disease, it appears clear that a new clinical approach is needed to find a cure for this debilitating disease. 

Until a cure is found, there will no doubt,  be more suffering and longer summers for those affected by this disease.

 

A Call for Solutions

I call upon the hockey community to submit thoughts and ideas to help cure this wretched disease.

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