Royal Rumble or Jobber Jungle: How Vince McMahon Will Screw Up This WWE PPV

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Royal Rumble or Jobber Jungle: How Vince McMahon Will Screw Up This WWE PPV
Participants in the first Rumble. We didn't know who'd win that one.

Disclaimer: See my name up there? It’s true. I’m nearly better than all of you. Frankly, I’m sick and tired of all the goody-two-shoes hacks that write and post comments on Bleacher. What this site needs is a good heel (no that is NOT an oxymoron, you are!). So, here I am. I am neither an amateur writer nor an amateur wrestling nerd; I’ve been involved with both professions for 30 years.

Many of you will realize this and come to worship and revere me; others will just simply not understand me. But for those who dare to disagree with me, bring it on and I will expose your stupidity. Personally, I don’t need anyone’s help to show mine.

Although I am currently working on an article about the glorious bloodbath days of wrestling (because I am a pro, I am actually doing research and working hard to make it an excellent article, unlike most of the crapola you read here), I had to take this opportunity to try and show anyone who is going to watch the upcoming Royal Rumble just why they shouldn’t!


Forty guys?
You gotta be kiddin’ me. As if the 30-man Rumble hasn’t been a snoozer for the last decade or so? Since its inception, the Royal Rumble has consisted of more than 20 mid-card jobbers each, with maybe a handful of guys anyone knows actually having a chance to win it.

Now add 10 more losers to the mix. Boy, that ought to make it exciting! Yeah, about as exciting as golf. And what’s worse, pea-brain wrestling fans the world 'round will eat it up and pay, pay, pay per the view, view, view. As sure as I’m Mister Near Perfect, those geeks are near idiots.

From the days when a Battle Royal didn't need gimmicks. From the personal collection of Nister Near Perfect.

If you were born before yesterday, you may have already learned that more is not necessarily better.

The concept of a pro Wrestling Battle Royale in its original sense is a great one that has been around for more than 60 years (I’ll send a full-color autographed photo of myself to any of my followers who know when the first Battle Royale in pro wrestling took place).

The idea of staggering the participants may have been an even better one. In fact, it gives the latter participants an unfair advantage.

I think that is wonderful, except when some face that has disappeared for a while makes his return as one of the last entries and wins it. Who the heck wants to see that again? I swear, if that happens this year, everyone should get a refund, including all of the smarks who have figured out how to watch it for free online.

Alright, so I’ve convinced you the Royal Rumble is a joke. After all, If you have half a brain—and I’m being generous—you know who the few guys that have a chance to win it are. It’s gotta be someone big enough to headline Wrestlemania 27. I just wish the other 36 bums wouldn’t even enter the ring and waste our time.

The other matches? Do you really not know that The Miz will defeat Randy Orton? Is anyone that stupid? The awesome and then some Miz is a media goldmine right now and is in a prime position to headline at WM. But yes, I’m sure some misguided Orton lovers will identify themselves at some point. No chance Orton will win.

Ziggler vs. Edge? Of course it’s Dolph’s time; Edge is done—stick a broken fork in him. ’Cause he’s broken, too. Anyone with brains like me knows that, but that doesn’t mean it will happen. The WWE wants to squeeze the last little bit of life out of Edge before they rightfully discard him like they did The Heartburn Kid and Chris Jerkitoff.

So, use your heads for something besides dandruff and pass on the Rumble this year. The Australian Open is on ESPN at the same time; those people are REAL athletes. And they don’t suffer fools any better than I do.

Now that you know how nearly perfect I am, let’s find out how imperfect you are. I dare you to disagree with someone near perfect. Are you dumb enough to watch?

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