Defending Welker: Don't Blame Wes and His Toe Puns on Patriots De-Feet

Stan SillimanCorrespondent IIJanuary 18, 2011

Defending Welker: Don't Blame Wes and His Toe Puns on Patriots De-Feet

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    Mike Zarrilli/Getty Images

    Wes caught a lot of ribbing and a first series benching for serving up Rex Ryan aimed toe-puns during a press conference. Now that the Patriots lost some Monday morning water cooler quarterbacks are blaming Wes for fueling the Jets fire.

    Hold on, Monday morning water cooler QBs! Don't blame Wes. 

    We've analyzed Wes's presser and even though he tossed out a bunch of so-called toe puns they weren't blatant. Nothing to get pumped up about or get your tootsies in an uproar. Put your socks back on as we defend our favorite Welker.

    First off, Welker is a good guy, rarely gets in trouble, supports a foundation and plays football the way it should be played. 

    Did you notice I mentioned his game, football, and it has the word "foot" in it?

    It's almost impossible to hold a press conference about football without mentioning the foot. Good footwork, on your toes, fast on your feet, in a footrace... are terms going with the game of football.

    The times Wes used foot references in his lengthy interview were possibly less than some coaches do a straight interview. However, the Welker interview was nine minutes and some of the puns were funny but almost innocent in their insertions.

    Never once did Wes say "arch hugger" or "instep schlepper" or "toe-sucking-son-of-a-gun" or any other toe-fetish freak terms.

    To further prove Welker's innocence we've gathered a panel of toe experts to critique Welker's interview. Grab your knee highs, boys and girls, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Quentin Tarantino Defends Welker's Foot Puns

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    The director of Kill Bill and Pulp Fiction, Quentin Tarantino, knows feet.He has a big time foot fetish.

    All Uma Thurman had to do was take her shoes off and she got the part... er... make that, parts.

    "When Wes said Tom gets everyone on the same page and putting their best foot forward, he's almost doing standard coach speak," Tarantino advises us. "I see nothing implicating Rex Ryan and his toe princess in the conversation. Wes was very careful in his descriptions. He did not stick his foot in his mouth."

    So when Quentin says Wes is innocent, consider it from an expert witness.

    People have even gone so far as an intervention to try curing Tarantino of his fetish. Check the video.

Brooke Burke: You Can't Just Stick Your Toe In The Water

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    Brooke Burke knows feet. She's the hostess on a dancing show. She used to be the host on a show where drunk teenagers frolicked barefoot on beaches worldwide. She has a big time foot fetish.

    She was asked to nitpick Welker's interview on the part where he was asked how to advise guys on post season playoffs and he answered "You just talk to them. It's a playoff atmosphere and you can't just stick your toe in the water, you've to jump right in..."

    "That is exactly what I said to the lifeguards on the show Wild On," Miss Burke tells us. "Wes Welker was giving sound advice to the rookies on the Patriots. For the Jets to blow this up as if he were gigging Mr. Ryan seems preposterous."

    We have no reason to upload a video of Miss Burke. We didn't film her talking about Wes Welker but we thought you might want to see this video of her, anyway.

    Come back often. I'm going to put up a new Brooke Burke video each day.

I Had My Foot Up In The Air

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    Wes Welker wasn't in the playoffs last year. He was hurt. When the interviewer asked him about it, Welker replied "It was a little bit different (last year) I had my foot up in the air trying to get the swelling to go down and things like that."

    Anything to be upset about here? We ask noted podophiliac, Jack Black. He said it was funny but nothing to "bark your dogs about" and then suggested we ask Brooke Burke.

    We couldn't find her but, what a surprise, we did find another Brooke Burke video.

Put Your Best Foot Forward. Again?

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    Okay, this time Wes Welker is repeating himself, as far as toe puns. When asked how frustrating was it to not be on the field last year, Welker answered "It was tough... this was what you spend all year getting ready for and you want to go out there and put your best foot forward."

    That was in slide one. So we asked another foot fetish fanatic, Tommy Lee, whether Welker was running out of stinging puns.

    Tommy Lee told us "You know, the guy's a football player, not a fetisher nor a comedian. But really, why ask me when you can ask Brooke Burke."

    We tried finding her again. Still couldn't... but we did find another one of her videos. Enjoy.

More Welker Quotes and The Question

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    In his interview, Welker continues to reference feet, but we think properly, all in accepted football terms. More examples:

    When asked about Darelle Revis, Welker said "You've got to bring it on every play because he is a great player. He's got great feet, he moves around well and he does some good things out there."

    When asked if the Patriots have grown since the Cleveland game, Welker replies "I think we've had some young players really step up this year."

    When asked veteran Deion Branch and what he brought to the Patriots, Welker remarked "Tom trusts him and they are kind of on the same page. He is another guy with great feet."

    You might be asking why did Welker choose to insert these sly little foot references. Other than to tease Rex Ryan and the Jets? We say "who better than Welker."

    After all, Wes can turn on a dime. He has great feet, uses them to run good routes and if called upon uses them to kick field goals. Wes is the back-up FG kicker, was THE field goal kicker in high school. He was a soccer player when younger, a game where players use their feet. In college he ran back kickoffs and listened to a coach who said if they didn't play good, they'd have to "walk the plank" again using your feet.

    So we asked Ricky Martin, another foot fetish fellow and a guy who watched Wes in Miami if Wes was the ideal person to deliver these foot and toe puns.

    Ricky remarked that the references were mild but we should really ask Brooke Burke.

    Again, we couldn't find her in person... but on video here she is.

More Welkers Than You Can Shake a Toe at

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    I'm getting a little disappointed in our panel of toe experts. I expected more cleverness and less deference. Anyway, we have more Welker quotes to munch on. Here they are.

    When Welker was asked whether they might lose some momentum after a bye week, he said "We make sure every play we run in practice we're really concentrating so you want to make sure that you are putting your best foot forward out there and making it happen."

    When asked if he senses the playoff atmosphere during practice preparation, Welker replied "Yeah, absolutely, really moving forward and we're going out there being good little foot soldiers..."

    When asked about the Jets blitz package, Welker noted "With this team, they do so many different things, move people around and do a lot of blitzes, so you have to be on your toes and make sure you are ready to go."

    Now, we ask you, was there anything super obvious about Welker's statements? They were very mild and only the most super-sensitive Jets coach would take exception.

    We say Welker didn't cross any line. All his jabs were perfectly acceptable football parlance. He certainly isn't over the top in foot fetish territory like this band we're going to show you - Foot Patrol. 

    I don't imagine they will be hiring Welker as a lyrics writer. Enjoy Foot Patrol.

You Can't Blame Welker The Jets Played Better

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    You saw the transcript excerpts. Welker didn't cross any line. Welker is not to blame because the Jets outplayed the Patriots.

    Unless you're to make the claim the entire Patriots organization was distracted by Michelle Ryan's video and Rex Ryan's foot love.

    If that's the case and teams can get distracted by Michelle uploading a video, and if she and Rex did this on purpose, then Rex Ryan is the most clever coach of all time. He Trojan Horsed the Jets.

    Do you follow what I'm getting at?

    Bill Belichick used videos to spy on other teams. He was hated, despised, fined. However, Belichick channeled this hatred into motivation in firing up his team. It's a case of hatred and fines backfiring.

    Then if Ryan also used a video, in this case a personal, embarrassing one, to DISTRACT opponents, to take their eyes off preparation, then the clever use of video has more power than we imagine.

    Is Rex Ryan that smart?

    No way in hell. Don't blame Welker. Enjoy more Foot Patrol with their classic Smellabration.

    And, if you want, visit this thread every few days. I'll switch out Brookie's videos.