West Virginia Got Way Too Drunk Last Night—And Hired Bill Stewart
Here's a transcript of a call this morning between old friends—West Virginia University and Pitt.
Pitt: What? Who's bothering me? It's early.
WVU: Pitt, it's me, West Virginia. Sorry to wake you up, but I needed to talk to someone.
Pitt: Mountaineer! Wassup bud? You're not calling about us beating you and knocking you out of national championship consideration, is it? Sorry, but you know, Wannstedt is gonna win a big game occasionally...it was nothing personal.
WVU: No, it's not that. Dude, I think I got really drunk last night.
Pitt: You had a big win, it's understandable. Just chill out, drink lots of fluids, and it'll wear off.
WVU: No, I mean I did a couple stupid things. Like, I got a tatoo.
Pitt: Cool! Lots of people do that.
WVU: Of Clay Aiken?
Pitt: He's a gifted singer. Don't sweat it bro. Tat regret is common.
WVU: It gets worse. I woke up next to this total skank—I think we were intimate.
Pitt: We've all been there dude. Don't sweat it.
WVU: I think we got married.
Pitt: Just get it annulled, like Britney did when she married...Shaun Alexander, I think it was. Nothing to be embarrassed about.
WVU: I'm not even sure it's a chick, dude, it might be a dude, dude.
Pitt: Man, it's 2008. We've all had a bisexual fling here and there. No need to beat yourself up about it.
WVU: He might have given me HIV, bro.
Pitt: Don't worry bra, they have pills for that now.
WVU: Wow man, you're the best. I feel so much better getting that off my chest. You're a true friend, dude. Oh, and one other silly little thing. I was so psyched about winning the Tostitos Brand Corn Chip Fiesta Brand Bowl Game Brand, that I signed Bill Stewart to a contract to be head coach.
Pitt: WHAT!?! Please tell me it's a one-year deal.
WVU: No, five years.
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