West Virginia Got Way Too Drunk Last Night—And Hired Bill Stewart

Here's a transcript of a call this morning between old friends—West Virginia University and Pitt.

Pitt: What? Who's bothering me? It's early.

WVU: Pitt, it's me, West Virginia. Sorry to wake you up, but I needed to talk to someone.

Pitt: Mountaineer! Wassup bud? You're not calling about us beating you and knocking you out of national championship consideration, is it? Sorry, but you know, Wannstedt is gonna win a big game occasionally...it was nothing personal.

WVU: No, it's not that. Dude, I think I got really drunk last night.

Pitt: You had a big win, it's understandable. Just chill out, drink lots of fluids, and it'll wear off.

WVU: No, I mean I did a couple stupid things. Like, I got a tatoo.

Pitt: Cool! Lots of people do that.

WVU: Of Clay Aiken?

Pitt: He's a gifted singer. Don't sweat it bro. Tat regret is common.

WVU: It gets worse. I woke up next to this total skank—I think we were intimate.

Pitt: We've all been there dude. Don't sweat it.

WVU: I think we got married.

Pitt: Just get it annulled, like Britney did when she married...Shaun Alexander, I think it was. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

WVU: I'm not even sure it's a chick, dude, it might be a dude, dude.

Pitt: Man, it's 2008. We've all had a bisexual fling here and there. No need to beat yourself up about it.

WVU: He might have given me HIV, bro.

Pitt: Don't worry bra, they have pills for that now.

WVU: Wow man, you're the best. I feel so much better getting that off my chest. You're a true friend, dude. Oh, and one other silly little thing. I was so psyched about winning the Tostitos Brand Corn Chip Fiesta Brand Bowl Game Brand, that I signed Bill Stewart to a contract to be head coach.

Pitt: WHAT!?! Please tell me it's a one-year deal.

WVU: No, five years.

Pitt: Dude—YOU...FUCKED...UPPPP!!!!