New York Islanders Goalie Rick DiPietro Finally Put to Sleep [Satire]
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SATIRE — PLEASE NOTE: The following article is entirely a work of fiction. Any quotes depicted in the article have been created solely by the author, and they should not be mistaken for actual quotes. This article is in no way endorsed by Rick DiPietro, the New York Islanders, the National Hockey League, or anyone else mentioned within.
The Islanders have announced, with much sadness, that injury-prone goaltender Rick DiPietro has finally been put to sleep.
The goaltender, who was taken by the Islanders first overall in the 2000 entry draft, was thought to be the team’s franchise goaltender. However, a series of knee-related injuries and surgeries rendered him unable to play throughout a vast majority of his career, something that played a large part in the Islanders’ decision to euthanize him.
“You could tell, just by looking in his eyes, that the pain was too much to bear,” Isles GM Garth Snow said, speaking of his latest injury. “It was as if he was begging…as if he knew his best days were behind him, and all that laid ahead was more pain. And below-average statistics.”
The injury in question was his latest one, sustained during the second period of a 5-2 Islanders’ win against Calgary back on January 3. Initial reports stated the injury was of the “day-to-day” type. However, upon discussing the situation with his goaltender, that’s when Snow learned of its severity.
“He was just tired of being in a constant state of pain,” Snow said. “He was also tired of being ineffectual; of being unable to live up to the constant pressure he faced, night in and night out. The pressure of living up to his massive contract.
“In the end, this is what he wanted. He had been hanging on for far too long. He just finally knew it was time for him to let go.”
Teammates were also deeply saddened. “Going through a loss like this is never easy,” Islanders caption Doug Weight stated to the press. “He wasn’t a very good goalie, but he was a great guy, with a really big heart. And in the end, isn’t that more important than wins and losses?”
Franchise player John Tavares also agreed. “If his blocker were as big as his soul, he’d have stopped a lot more shots. He was just a wonderful guy to be around. When I first got here, it was evident that he fully enjoyed life. But then it all came crashing down. Toward the end, he was always talking about how life was passing him by. Kind of like pucks going to his glove side.
“You could really just tell that something wasn’t right. Something had changed.”
“Decisions like this are never easy, one way or the other,” Snow said. “If you decide to let him live, then it breaks your heart to know that he’ll always be in pain, and letting in soft goals that other goalies would have easily had.
“But taking a life isn’t any easier, knowing that, behind the woefully under-average goalie, there is a really good, kind person. In the end, after discussing it with him and his family, and weighing out both sides, we just did what we felt was the best decision for the team.”
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