Wrestlemania 27 Preview: Want to Have a WCW Theme Vince? Buy TNA (SATIRE)

Kevin GermanyAnalyst IIIJanuary 16, 2011

Wrestlemania 27 Preview: Want to Have a WCW Theme Vince? Buy TNA (SATIRE)

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    So many WrestleMania "Fantasy Predictions" have been thrown out there. Regardless of what time of year it is, WrestleMania has always been a hot topic.

    But what about making a real fantasy prediction? A prediction that ties in beautifully to the WCW theme of this historic pay-per-view.

    IWC members have decried the cheap ripoff of WCW known as TNA for too long. Vince McMahon steps in and uses his money "up north" to buy TNA.

    Realistically this will not happen. WWE has no gain or interest in purchasing TNA nor will Vince McMahon patch things up with all the TNA guys who recently jumped ship.

    To make it an actually realistic card, I will only include active or semi-active wrestlers in this pay-per-view. Note Vince Russo is employed in this new fantasy (or nightmarish) company.

    Interestingly enough, I will attempt to have some serious matches and quality story lines but have some interesting endings.

    Of course, Jim Ross will be calling the matches. The commentary booth will be Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler on one table and Eric Bischoff and Vince McMahon on the other. The venue will be the Georgia Dome in Atlanta. Michael Cole will have a nWo shirt covered over his head all night long. This is a fantasy right?

Money in the Bank Ladder Match

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    Who grabs the briefcase?

    Participants

    Miz vs. Wade Barrett vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Drew Mcintyre vs. Mark Henry vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Douglas Williams vs. Eric Young vs. Evan Bourne

    This is what happens when two rosters merge into one. Oh wait, I mean three rosters merged into one. Still not enough to rival the numbers of the nWo.

    A random discombobulated match known as Money in the Bank leads us off here. I can clue you in who makes insane spots in this match.

    Everybody knows only a few people really ever have a chance of winning. A mentally challenged man like Eric Young must lose then right?

    Nope. Young does a brilliant thing. He has Orlando Jordan come in to the ring and wear a Hooters costume to scare off everybody.

    Winner: Eric Young

Orlando Jordan Vs. Goldust

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    I am going to spare you the details.

    Winner: Goldust

Hardy Boyz vs. Edge and Christian In an Extreme Rules Match

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    I was going to add the Dudley Boyz here but Brother Ray is in prison and Brother Devon had to spend time with his family. Oh wait, Ray acts like he is in prison and Devon will be spending time with his family once he gets fired by McMahon.

    Getting back to the task at hand, this will be an extreme rules match. No telling what substances Matt and Jeff used to get ready for this match. To even intensify this match Lita will be at ringside.

    Instead of giving a boring analysis to a fun match, I will fast forward 99 percent of this match and get to the ending.

    Matt Hardy hits a twist of hate on Edge on a burning table with thumbtacks. Then he tags in Jeff Hardy to hit the Swanton bomb on Edge through another flaming table off a ladder to pick up the win.

    Until he realizes his probation doesn't allow him to be here. The probation officer is in the front row. Run Jeff!

    He runs away from the ring and hightails it to his home in North Carolina. Christian tags himself in and eats another twist of hate for his troubles. Matt then forgets he's not Jeff and tries to hit a Swanton bomb but fails. He lands flat on his face through thumbtacks.

    Edge then miraculously gets up with the help of Lita to spear Matt to pick up the win.

    Winner: Edge and Christian

    After the match Edge and Lita go to bedmart and pick out a bed. The PG era is over.

Beer Money Vs. Motor City Machine Guns Vs. Santino/Koslov Vs. Usos

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    Beer Money is an actual team. Their huskiness fits their beer drinking gimmick perfectly. Of course, Vince McMahon despises tag teams so he would break up any of these teams in TNA. He also hates fat wrestlers - I mean husky wrestlers.

    It appears the Motor City Machine Guns days as a team are numbered. Inevitably tensions will rise after an accidental super kick here, a missed move there. Of course this is WWE so these guys will be random jobbers instead of a great tag team.

    Let's make this a ladder match to add excitement. It's sad the two best tag teams in WWE wouldn't even be the fourth best team in TNA. In fact, Orlando Jordan and Eric Young could beat the Usos.

    Vince McMahon would have a heart attack once he sees a good tag team match take place. This would never happen in his company.

    Oh wait, Linda McMahon just declared another run for the Senate. Another $50 million down the drain. I'm not sure Vince can survive a second campaign. Beer Money just stole another beer from your fridge Vince. Robert Roode just unhooked the Tag Team titles while he was drunk. Skill!

    Winner: Beer Money

Samoa Joe vs. Bryan Danielson (C) in a Submission Match

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    Dear Internet Wrestling Community,

    I have decided to give you exactly what you want. Two guys who are from Ring of Honor who can actually wrestle. Remember the good old days when they fought in ROH? I sure don't.

    In fact, for this match I even changed Daniel Bryan's name back to Bryan Danielson. To make it even sweeter he will come out to his old theme and his old gimmick. He can do whatever move he wants.

    As for Samoa Joe, in spite of my reservations about him due to his lack of conditioning I have decided to add him to this match because I realized Husky Harris is employed in my company. He can at least make some nice submission moves and has a nice finisher. Hopefully he won't bust my muscles (or my wallet).

    You diehard fans have toiled under my preference for people who actually spend time in the gym or are giants. Oh wait, I want both of those traits. They don't call me the genetic jackhammer for nothing. Don't forget I want people who can actually talk.

    But now you get your dream: the common skinny man fighting the common fat man.

    I'll give you thirty minutes of boring, technically sound grappling. Perhaps I can take a nap at this point while you are unglued to your pathetic little couches having fantasies over independent promotions.

    Winner: I fell asleep so I don't know who won. I don't care anyway.

    Thank you for your stupidity,

    Vince McMahon, WWE Chairman, ruthless corporate boss who has no heart- HEY!!!

    PS: Why do you hate on my favorite wrestler the Miz?

Sheamus vs. "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero In a Last Rites Match

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    WARNING: If you are Catholic I highly recommend you don't read this.

    Here is an innovative idea for a stupid and pointless gimmick match. A last rites match between the Pope and a stereotypical Irish Catholic brawler. Loser gets excommunicated from the Roman Catholic church or dies. Stipulation makes it intense. In other words, the first person given the last rites loses the match.

    Intensity beckons this personal feud between two men who detest the personification of their ideals. To combat this huge problem brought about by the pressure of the fight, there needs to be a solid referee to clean things up. Therefore somebody prominent must do this battle.

    The guest referee is not just any priest. Not just any bishop. Not just any cardinal. Pope Benedict XVI will be your guest referee for this match.

    Over 83 years of experience is smashed to pieces whenever Sheamus accidentally connects a brogue kick to the face of the real Pope. The fake Pope attacks Sheamus with the real Pope's scepter. Hornswoggle stands up for his fellow Irishman and eliminates the source of Pope's pimping.

    All three men are on the ground moaning in imaginary pain, well except for Dinero and Benedict, but I digress. Bishops come out and assess the carnage. Monks and nuns come out and tend to the injured men.

    They realize the fake Pope will live, Sheamus isn't Catholic and only a priest can administer the last rites. Since mass started 15 minutes ago they all scurry out of the ring.

    Dinero rises first. Congregation members beat up Sheamus even further. Pope Benedict is prepared to administer the last rites to Sheamus.

    Until glass shatters.

    "Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stunner on Dinero!" Jim Ross cries out after Steve Austin enters the ring. "Stunner on Pope Benedict XVI!"

    Stone Cold and the monks, nuns and bishops all come back to the ring and toss around beers. Then they administer Austin 3:16 to the real Pope, fake Pope and Sheamus.

    Catholic Church we have a mutiny. Stone Cold Steve Austin is your new Pope!

    Winner: Catholic Church, the fans, Steve Austin.

CM Punk vs. Wade Barrett: Winner Controls Nexus

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    If you saw the recent episode of SmackDown you will then know Wade Barrett formed a new faction consisting of him, Justin Gabriel, Heath Slater and Ezekiel Jackson.

    If you saw the recent episode of Raw you know CM Punk is trying to out-blaspheme Ric Flair (calling himself God) and Steve Austin (Austin 3:16). Throw Jeff Hardy in there and we have a blasphemous stable of former rivals Punk and Hardy, Stone Cold and Ric Flair.

    Anyway, that cheap ripoff of nWo -er Nexus- apparently split up into two groups. Just like the New World Order.

    The names are Nex- IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEIR NAMES ARE!!!

    CM Punk is pushed into a corner by Wade Barrett. Barrett has gotten a face reaction in this bout although his group is still heel. Punk pretends to throw a punch and then pokes Barrett in the chest.

    "1! 2! 3!"

    Winner: CM Punk

    Now was that eerily reminiscent of the Fingerpoke of Doom?

    Hollywood Hogan's theme song now blares the speakers of the Georgia Dome.

NWO vs. Nexus In a Elimination Tag Match

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    Hulk Hogan comes out in a nWo shirt and berates Punk and Barrett. The crowd goes nuts. Kevin Nash orders a frosty from Heath Slater. Scott Hall is smoking a cigar right at Punk's face. The tension can be cut with a knife.

    "Wade, that was the worst selling I have ever seen. Shawn Michaels can sell better than you!" Hogan yells at Wade Barrett. "Punk, Nexus is a cheap ripoff of the nWo. We actually have talent. Even though all of you were once a part of the nWo along with President Bush, Michael Jordan, Dennis Rodman, Michael Jackson, John Cena, and even the worst wrestler in history, Shawn Michaels, you still can't match the ten million members of the New World Order!"

    All the fans wildly cheer Hollywood Hogan and the nWo. Apparently no IWC member is in the building.

    Punk then challenges Hogan to a one-on-one match. Hogan refuses because he can "actually wrestle" and Punk "can't." Hogan then offers to have an elimination tag team match. Punk, not knowing basic WCW history, accepts.

    As soon as Punk accepts all the members of the nWo come out. You know what? I'll skip all the members. We have lives here. Well obviously Nexus has no chance against the millions (and millions) of nWo members.

    Winner: nWo

Kane vs. Abyss In a Casket Match

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    I'm torn on this one. Do I pay to see this match because it could be the most violent match ever or the worst match ever?

    We all know what will happen. Somebody gets thrown into a casket and "dies" from being buried. In fact, this should be between Christian and AJ Styles as they are being buried right now. Or better yet, I can bet on Hulk Hogan beating anybody in a buried alive or a casket match. Ditto for Cena.

    Just end this one quick. I like Kane better so Abyss enters the casket.

    Winner: Kane

    Did I ever mention Kane just won the TV title? Does anyone care?

AJ Styles vs. John Morrison

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    Remember Samoa Joe-Bryan Danielson? I just one upped it. IWC you can officially light yourselves on fire because this match will never happen. I shouldn't say that.

    Styles needs the win more so he hits the Michelle McCool finisher to win the match.

    Winner: AJ Styles

Divas Battle Royal With Pacman Jones As Guest Referee

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    "Well fans are at least going to tune in to see eye candy. Ratings should double- wait this is on pay-per-view right?" Vince McMahon asks Eric Bischoff.

    "No. It's on Nitro- er Impa- er Raw." Replied Eric Bischoff meekly.

    "Eric Bischoff! I do not care about ratings! Why did you put this match on free TV? Is this why you went out of business? Do you know how much can be made by watching a strip club brawl with just strippers?" Vince McMahon yells at Eric Bischoff.

    "Just think about the potential strippers -er divas/knockouts- Pacman Jones can make it rain with. Eric! You gave him my money?!!!" Vince screams at Eric again. "Did controversy create cash for your joke of a WCW ripoff?!? I can sure sue you for mentioning my company every ten seconds!!!"

    Vince McMahon cusses out Eric Bischoff for ten weeks. Not nearly enough for the mistake Eric made.

    Who cares who wins? Just don't have Awesome Kong in a bikini!

    Winner: Kelly Kelly (for being dumb enough not to chase the money)

Triple H vs. Goldberg in a No Holds Barred Match With Sting As Guest Referee

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    Photoshop skill!

    I was going to have Sting on here but I realized Vince McMahon requires his performers to either be in great shape or be married to his daughter. Sting was a great wrestler but he should never wrestle in WWE. His legacy might as well stay intact if he doesn't wrestle anymore.

    Instead, Sting can wear clothing matching his black and white face paint and officiate the match.

    You can look at this from two different perspectives: this is the perfect time to take a nap or to see if Scott Hall comes with a cattle prod to win it for Triple H. In fact, the Madison Square Garden clique interferes on Triple H's behalf.

    But Goldberg is 174,305-0 when wrestling people not in the nWo. He wins here with a spear and a jackknife power bomb to make his record 174,306-0.

    Winner: Bill Goldberg

Randy Orton vs. Mr Anderson in a First Blood Match to Unify the Titles

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    "TNA World Heavyweight Champion Ken Anderson takes on WWE Champion Randy Orton in a unification match at Wrestlemania." Jim Ross announces to the enthralled viewers. "The Royal Rumble was counted as a no contest because Christian won."

    It was a no contest because Vince McMahon had just woken up from a coma when Christian won.

    Therefore, there had to be a title unification match because everyone wants to see the two best wrestlers in the world at it for the Undisputed Title.

    Bad blood permeates the air as Randy Orton allegedly had Ken Anderson fired for his sloppy in-ring work. Mr. Anderson says he can actually talk. Therefore, it is a first blood match. But Mattel executive Pee G Era tries to stop this match from happening.

    But he gets RKO'd!!!

    The match is underway. Anderson and Orton are grappling in the ring when the referee realizes something, Anderson is already bleeding. TNA you just officially sunk to an all-time low.

    Winner (and new Undisputed Champion): Randy Orton

John Cena vs. Kurt Angle in a "I Quit" Match

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    What can describe this huge match? Two men who are flat out winners, champions and successful wrestlers and actors. Okay scratch the actors part. But they're still good wrestlers. Right?

    Olympic Gold Medalist vs. The Marine

    A man who won a gold medal with a "broken freaking neck" vs. A man who has not tapped out or quit in this decade.

    Intensity, Intelligence and Integrity vs. Hustle, Loyalty and Respect

    Michael Cole attempts to bury Kurt Angle by ranting about his horrendous broken promise. He talks about how Cena is a man of his word and how Angle is not.

    Kurt Angle has forgotten more about wrestling than Michael Cole will ever know about life.

    Kurt Angle puts John Cena through hell in this match. He opens the door to Vickie Guerrero's locker room.

    But Cena won't quit. Angle was fighting his ex-wife's husband while Cena made out with Vickie. Give him the benefit of the doubt for not knowing.

    Dolph Ziggler is furious though. He puts Cena in the sleeper hold to make him pass out. He then throws Cena then Angle into the locker. It opens Dolph's locker. It has a photo of him and Kaitlyn making out! Vickie is pissed! Angle and Cena get out of there as soon as possible.

    They get into the ring. Cena puts Angle in the STF! Angle writhes in pain. He recalls how Jeff Jarrett stole his wife and keeps on fighting. He thanks Jeff for doing him a favor.

    Jeff Jarrett comes out of nowhere and smacks Angle with a $300,000 guitar of Jimi Hendrix! That was Vince's guitar Jeff!

    Vince McMahon comes out and beats down on Jarrett. He then has the look of horror. He realizes his golden boy just tapped out to the ankle lock!

    Winner: Kurt Angle

    After the match Jeff Jarrett calls upon the remaining one hundred members of the nWo to beat down on Angle. John Cena pretends like he will save Angle but turn on him, putting on a nWo shirt.

    IWC, your dream has come true. John Cena has turned heel. Just imagine the next night on Raw. But then again Vince Russo (or McMahon) will quickly turn him face.

Brock Lesnar vs. Undertaker For the World Heavyweight Championship

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    from brocklesnar.com

    Dana White and Vince McMahon, would you like to make a lot of money? Make this happen.

    Dana, Brock won't get hurt facing a man with a bad shoulder, two bad knees, a hot wife, a bad hip and bad hair. Moreover you have a chance to put UFC out there even more with this extravaganza.

    Vince, you get to finance another failed Linda McMahon campaign if you allow this to happen. Better yet, Undertaker does not have to embarrass Shawn Michaels by facing Wade Barrett or Kane.

    So why won't this happen? I don't understand. It's not like Brock fights for real and Undertaker has been injured since 1995.

    Eric Bischoff hides in shame after he told Mr. Anderson to blade himself (make himself bleed) before a first blood match. He is replaced by UFC boss Dana White. White and McMahon have an interesting dialogue during the match. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler join them at the table.

    Lesnar and Taker size each other up for about 20 minutes. 20 minutes of Dana White cursing himself and McMahon for letting this happen.

    This is the main event of the super WWE-TNA WrestleMania. A former WWE guy now fighting for UFC and an almost retired WWE star. No TNA or WCW connections here.

    Well Taker did wrestle as Mean Mark Callous for WCW but no Cena fan remembers that time period. Back to the match, Lesnar reverses a Tombstone into a F5.

    "1! 2! 2.5! 2.75! 2.98!" Taker kicks out at the last second. Lesnar was .02 of a second away from ending the hallowed Streak of a dead man.

    "Hells gate!" JR screams to the viewers on TV- er pay-per-view. Dana White just choked Jeff Jarrett and Eric Bischoff for putting this on free TV! Oh wait, if it's on free TV, then the Streak is not on the line right?

    Hey Vince McMahon and Dana White are not that stupid. This is Vince's pay-per-view.

    Lesnar is about to tap out when he sees Dana White laughing. He is infuriated. He immediately exits the gogoplata (Hell's gate) and puts him into a rear naked choke. But Lesnar then looks at Dana again and realizes Dana is laughing at Eric Young lurking around with the Money in the Bank briefcase. 

    Eventually Taker hits another Tombstone to pick up the win. 30 minutes of hell for both of these men only results in 19-0 for Taker, an embarrassing loss to a banged up 145-year-old man to Lesnar, and several heart stopping moments for Dana White.

    Winner: Undertaker

What?! Eric Young vs. Undertaker (C) For the World Heavyweight Championship

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    IS ERIC YOUNG REALLY CASHING IT IN ON TAKER?

    "CASH IT IN!" CASH IT IN!" Yells Eric Young to Jim Ross.

    JR is confused. "Is he mentally ill cashing his Money in the Bank contract on the Undertaker at WrestleMania?" Jim Ross understands Young is a little twisted so he hands it to the ring announcer to officially start the match. Quickly Eric Young realizes he might be a little over matched.

    "Tombstone on Young! Thank God his head might be straightened after that vicious Tombstone!" says JR. It is a foregone conclusion Young will be the first person to fail cashing in the Money in the Bank.

    "1! 2! 2.91! 2.92! 2.93! 2.933333!" NO! Eric Young kicks out! He now gets his head on straight. Eric Young is now focused.

    No Orlando Jordan did not give him a lollipop. No Undertaker did not leak greatness to him.

    Eric Young now grapples with the Taker. People are completely stunned to see Eric Young dominate the action. He then hits a sick suplex to get him 0.5 seconds away from accomplishing the impossible.

    Undertaker, although exhausted, is still ready to retain his Holy Grail. He executes a Last Ride that hopefully puts Young away.

    "1! 2! Oh my God Young kicks out again!" exclaims Jim Ross.

    "Well maybe that bump to the head straightened him out again." reasoned Jerry Lawler. Lawler is still in shock after Undertaker actually did not beat Young in 30 seconds or less.

    "Hells gate on Young! Will he tap?!" yells JR. He does not want the Streak to end. As does almost everybody else. "What? Sharpshooter! Eric Young reversed a Hells Gate into a Sharpshooter!"

    Taker passes out after being in the Sharpshooter for 30 seconds. He slumps to the ground. Eric Young attempts the impossible.

    Can he do it? Can lifetime TNA jobber/midcarder/Santino knockoff Eric Young actually end the Undertaker's WrestleMania streak of 18-0?

    "1! 2! 2.5! 2.6! 2.7! 2.8! 2.9! 2.91! 2.97!" No! Taker kicks out again.

    This time Eric Young tries something bizarre. Well not bizarre in TNA's or his mind but a strange move. He lays down and lures Taker into pinning him. But Taker just stomps him.

    This is the longest Money in the Bank match in history. Seven gripping minutes of total shock and utter embarrassment encapsulate the Georgia Dome.

    Taker attempts to land a choke slam. But his bum shoulder gives out. Young has a chance to roll him up. Is this it?

    "1! 2! 2.31! 2.48! 2.45!" Hey wrestling fans aren't that stupid! "2.5! 2.67! 2.93!" The tension is visible. Undertaker fans are ready to riot if he actually loses. Eric Young fans are ready to be overwhelmed in pure shock. Is he about to end the Streak? Tune in to the next slide to find out!

Does Eric Young End the Streak?

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    Will Eric Young break the Streak?

    "1! 2! 3!" Jim Ross yells. "OH MY GOD! THE STREAK HAS ENDED! ERIC YOUNG HAS ENDED THE UNDERTAKER'S UNDEFEATED WRESTLEMANIA STREAK!"

    Tomorrow this website explodes with articles detailing the way they disowned the pro wrestling industry after watching their final pay-per-view. Don't they realize wrestling is real?

    Eric Young just stands there in awe... of his greatness. All those years in the gym, in the ring, taking those painful bumps just to get to this point, having to be with Orlando Jordan just to win the Money in the Bank.

    Winner (and new Champion): Eric Young

    Eric Young: the new World Heavyweight Champion. The new face of pro wrestling. Move over David Arquette and Miz, you have company for the most credible champion ever!

    20,000 furious Undertaker fans rush the ring. Eric Young gets severely beaten up by these fans. But Orlando Jordan comes to the rescue. All the fans evacuate once Jordan strips down and Young does the Taker throat slash.

    But Young is exhausted. He competed in a grueling ladder match, defeated the Undertaker and endured a beating by an unruly mob.

    "Awesome!" The music hits. Alex Riley takes his fake briefcase and gives it to flustered ring announcer Justin Roberts. Roberts was drunken with sorrow after the Streak came to an end. He was too distraught to realize the briefcase is fake. He rings the bell and away we go.

    Oh wait Alex Riley just destroyed Eric Young with a You're Dismissed. Alex Riley gets the easy pin.  

    Winner (and new Champion): Alex Riley

    The show ends with Alex Riley celebrating with the Miz with the World Heavyweight Championship in tow. The fans have two reasons to drink away their sorrows: Undertaker lost at WrestleMania and Alex Riley went from a jobber to World Heavyweight Champion in 30 seconds.

The End

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    How did this pay-per-view stack up?

    All in all this pay-per-view truly made it a WCW-themed Wrestlemania. In all seriousness, this could be the best pay-per-view in a long time. If Vince McMahon really wants to exceed 1,000,000+ buys for WrestleMania 27 then he needs to have angles and feuds worth watching. In fact, he's got several great matches in his back pocket he needs to use.

    Vince Russo has his fingerprints all over this pay-per-view (in a good way and bad way). Frequent title changes, shocking heel turns and perfectly logical story lines were the theme of the day. Did I just say logical and Russo in the same paragraph? Yes I did. It makes perfect sense to have Eric Young win the Money in the Bank, cash it on Taker and then lose to Alex Riley because the announcer was duped into ringing the bell.

    That was the good and bad of the Attitude Era. The nWo proved its glory by dominating that joke of a stable Nexus. Eric Bischoff proved why he was mentally ill that one fateful day in Atlanta when he decided to have Hulk Hogan and Kevin Nash reunite the nWo.

    Undertaker's Streak was ended by a worthy opponent, a man beyond the skills of Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, Triple H, Randy Orton and even Mark Henry. Eric Young ended the Streak! It doesn't matter he lost his World Heavyweight title in 30 seconds.

    You can like this article if you thought this was funny. If not, just to let you know Jeff Awesome's account was hacked by Immortal yesterday.

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