IPL: Lalit Modi, the Know-It-All, Really Knows It All (Satire)

Linus FernandesAnalyst IIJanuary 14, 2011

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - APRIL 18:  Cheerleaders dance during the IPL T20 match between Mumbai Indians and Chennai Super Kings at Newlands Cricket Ground on April 18, 2009 in Cape Town, South Africa.  (Photo by Tom Shaw/Getty Images)
Tom Shaw/Getty Images

Wikileaks , the pro-transparency website, has released transcripts of the Parliamentary Standing Committee hearing into the running of the IPL.

The BCCI officials summoned include president Shashank Manohar, secretary N Srinivasan and IPL commissioner Chirayu Amin. The panel is headed by BJP MP Yashwant Sinha, the former finance minister.

The following are select excerpts of the questions put to the BCCI honchos and their responses:

On cheer-leaders:

MP 1: How do cheer-girls promote the cause of cricket?

SM: I believe it has something to do with fine legs, sir. The cricketers can explain better.

Yashwant Sinha: Is this a joke? A standing one?

SM: No, sir, not at all. It’s the cheerleaders who are standing it, sir. The unruly crowd behaviour and the lewd comments. Not us, sir.

YS: I am in no mood for levity. Whose idea was it?

SM,NS and CA (chorusing): Not ours, respected sir. Ask Lalit Modi.

 On the auctions:

MP2: Why are the players auctioned like ancient gladiators? It reminds us of the Roman empire when men were sold to bidders on the basis of their physical strength.

SM: Sir, auctions are a transparent process. You get what you pay for; besides, it fits the spirit of competition in the IPL. The players compete on the field; the owners compete for the players.

YS: Whose idea was that?

SM,NS and CA (chorusing): Not ours, respected sirs. Ask Lalit Modi.

(Members of a certain unnamed party are seen conferring with each other. The gist of the discussion centres on whether the auction process would be equally well-suited to finalise party candidates to electoral constituencies. )

On the South Africa tournament and the violation of Foreign Exchange Management Act (FEMA) regulations by the BCCI and Cricket South Africa:

SM,NS and CA (chorusing): It wasn’t our idea, sir. Ask Lalit Modi.

 About the broadcast deal involving Multi Screen Media (formerly Sony) and World Sport Group and the controversial facilitation fee:

SM,NS and CA (chorusing): It wasn’t our idea, sir. Ask Lalit Modi.

Bengal MP: Why wasn’t Sourav Ganguly selected by any IPL franchise this year?

SM,NS and CA (chorusing): We don’t know, sir. Ask Lalit Modi.

An evidently distressed MP: Do you know where the toilets are? I have to go for No. 1.

SM,NS and CA (chorusing): We don’t know, sir. Ask Lalit Modi.

The meeting is adjourned.

The MPs are overheard debating whether the 2011 budget session would be more television friendly with White Mischief girls heralding each tax break.

History is a set of lies agreed upon.