Lance Armstrong Returns, Tour de France Follows

Taylor SmithAnalyst ISeptember 11, 2008

One day after cancer-survivor, American hero, and part-time cyclist Lance Armstrong announced his intent to make a comeback, the Tour de France made an announcement proclaiming a comeback of its own. 

"We were never gone, I don't know who made this announcement, but the Tour de France has gone on as scheduled for the past three summers," said Tour spokesperson Pierre LeBlanc, clearly lying through his teeth and French mustache.

When informed of the return of the event, Armstrong was surprised, yet pleased.

"I'm glad to hear it's coming back. I know the world has been eager to get excited about guys riding around on bikes for a month again, and I'll be glad to be competing in and definitely winning it once again," said Armstrong, while counting yellow money. 

When asked about Armstrong's comeback, "comeback specialists" Brett Favre and Michael Jordan did not appear to be amused.

"What is this, his second comeback?" said Favre, scruffily scoffing. "That's weak. Tell me when his comeback becomes a national incident that drags on for weeks and eventually pisses everybody off, then you'll have my attention". 

Jordan was not as arrogant as Favre, but seemed to be equally unimpressed with Armstrong's stunt.

"I don't care about cycling", the Charlotte Bobcats' executive said, while playing golf like crap and chewing on a five-foot long cigar. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have another NBA franchise to ruin."

Tour de France executives maintain that their race has been going strong for the past three years since Armstrong stopped competing, but they were not fooling anyone.

"No, seriously, it's been going on. I know it's been marred by liars and cheaters, but the race is still a worldwide phenomenon and a very popular event," said another Tour spokesperson, Pepe LePeu. 

OK, Pepe, whatever you say.

UPDATE: Also a day after Armstrong announced his return to cycling, American disgrace Ben Landis announced that he wants to compete again.

Oh wait, nobody cares.