The Crystal Ball: Month-by-Month Predictions for the Sports World 2008, Part I (January-June)

I broke out the crystal ball to see what’s in store for 2008.

I’m just the messenger so don’t be mad if you don’t like what you see.

While 2007 will be remembered for drug scandals, ref scandals, strip-club and dog-fighting scandals, 2008 will be remembered as the year that things returned to normal…hopefully.

January

The worst bowl season in recent memory ends with LSU defeating Ohio State in the BCS Championship Game. Much like the other bowls, this game isn’t even close. Another round of debate as to whether or not college football needs a playoff is launched. The “Plus One” argument gains steam as fans of Georgia and USC continue to cry into February. The resulting debate makes a potential college football playoff the second-most tired sports talk radio subject, second only to whether or not Pete Rose should be in the Hall of Fame.

February

The New England Patriots barely avoid becoming the biggest choke artists since the 2001 Seattle Mariners, by winning Super Bowl XLII. They defeat a Dallas Cowboys team, who beat the Green Bay Packers thanks to a controversial pass-interference call late in the game. Final score: Patriots 38–Cowboys 28.

National Signing Day for college football arrives. One publication declares USC has the best recruiting class. Another picks Florida. Alumni of universities everywhere are excited about players they’ve never heard of. Hope springs eternal.

Pitchers and catchers report to spring training. That leads to another cycle of all-steroids-talk-all-the-time as well as another cycle of pitcher/catcher jokes.

The NBA All-Star Game in New Orleans goes off without incident. The West, in a game that features a worse defense than O.J. Simpson, beats the East 217-201. Chris Paul is the MVP.

At the 80th Academy Awards, No Country For Old Men wins Best Picture. Daniel Day-Lewis is your Best Actor winner. Julie Christie wins for Best Actress. Two days later you won’t be able to remember any of them.

March

Spring Training arrives. Johan Santana is still a member of the Twins. The Washington Nationals are the first team in the history of MLB to have a bench-clearing brawl during an intra-squad game. Elijah Dukes, Paul Lo Duca and Lastings Milledge are all suspended for conduct detrimental to the team.

March Madness begins with conference tournaments. Billy Packer makes a couple racist statements and goes unpunished once again. A couple of teams that never had a chance to win the tournament are stunned that they didn’t get in. A school none of us have ever heard of makes it into the tournament with a 7-23 record because they won their conference tournament.

The basketball equivalent of crack cocaine arrives with rounds 1 and 2 of the NCAA Basketball Tournament. Forty-eight games in four days. Office pools. Sick days. Endless timeouts. Buzzer beaters. Ten-team super teasers. I can’t wait.

April

UCLA wins its twelfth national basketball championship, defeating North Carolina 72-59.  Robin Lopez of Stanford takes over from Joakim Noah as the tournament’s “player I wish I could punch in the face.” Brandon Rush of Kansas announces after the tournament that he’ll be returning to school for a thirteenth year.

Baseball’s opening day kicks off. George W. Bush sets the record for loudest boo in baseball stadium history when he throws out the first pitch at the Nationals' new ballpark. Seven innings later, the Nationals break the record thanks to a four-error inning.

The NBA Playoffs begin. The least attractive series is relegated to NBA TV once again. Most people didn’t even know the Milwaukee-Indiana series even started until it’s over.

The NFL Draft is held in New York. For the twentieth year in a row I walk outside my house after eight consecutive hours of non-stop coverage feeling more disgusted at myself than I would if I had gone to a strip club on a Wednesday afternoon by myself. Glenn Dorsey of LSU goes to the Dolphins with the first pick. The Jets, Giants and Eagles fans all boo whatever picks their team makes.

May

Countless men and women across the country say “I miss football” for the first time in 2008 as teams conduct their first mandatory, full-squad minicamps.

The second-round of the NBA Playoffs takes place. A controversial call leads to another round of Tim Donaghy stories.

ESPN’s latest venture into scripted entertainment, Over The Line: The Mario Mendoza Story, replaces A Season on the Brink, as the worst television sports movie of all-time.

June

The NBA Finals are the most entertaining they’ve been since MJ threw Bryon Russell eight feet and hit the game-winner in Utah. The Spurs finally win their first back-to-back titles by beating the Celtics in six games. Eva Longoria breaks her own record for "TV shots of a spouse in a seven game series".

FIFA’s Euro 2008 soccer tournament begins in Austria and Switzerland. Americans lose interest quicker than it took you to read this sentence.

The NBA Draft is held in New York City. The Minnesota Timberwolves select Derrick Rose of Memphis with the first overall pick. Kevin McHale then trades his rights to the Celtics for Brian Scalabrine and a 2012 second-round pick. ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith makes more ludicrous predictions that will haunt him for years, courtesy of YouTube.

 Part II (July-December) can be read here.