OAKLAND, Calif.: In In a stunning move by the National Football League and Commissioner Roger Goodell, the Oakland Raiders will not be included in the playoffs, despite their obvious superiority in all facets of the game--an argument backed up by their disciplined and never-penalized style of play, their terrorizing 29th-ranked rushing defense, and their high-octane 23rd-ranked passing offense led by Pro Bowl-snubbed Jason Campbell.
This comes on the heels of reports that recent rule changes in 1933 that unfairly recognize the team in each division with the best overall record as the champion of that division.
"This is absurd!," stated Oakland owner and noted cryptkeeper Al Davis. "This is another part of the grand conspiracy that the NFL put into place against the Raiders since the day I was born. They have been jealous of my greatness. It's madness!"
Fans, learning of the news via radio and television due to the stunning illiteracy rate prevalent in the 'Raider Nation', were also astonished.
One irate fan typical of the Raider Nation, Lotley Fratelli, screamed at the men on his screen, exclaiming "Hey you guys!!" before being distracted by a pudgy child offering him a Baby Ruth.
Oakland will have to settle for what they consider a moral victory of going undefeated in division play. This is a major upgrade from the previous decade, where they were unable to find any victories whatsoever.
While they may have 'technically' missed the NFL playoffs, the Moral Victories League is considering extending the Raiders an invitation to their annual tournament.
Kansas City Chiefs head coach Todd Haley was contacted for comment, but could not respond because of the Chiefs preparation for the upcoming playoff game at Arrowhead Stadium.