SATIRE: ESPN to Not Air Atlanta Vs. New Orleans Game—Their Alternative Lineup
This is purely meant for your reading enjoyment, this is not true at all.
Atlanta, Ga - Due mainly to the fact that ESPN cannot locate the city of Atlanta on a map, or even recognize the Atlanta Falcons as a NFL team, ESPN has decided to cancel airing the Monday Night game featuring the Atlanta Falcons and the New Orleans Saints.
This doesn't come as a shock to many people, Roddy White since tweeted. "Man, we still are going to go out there, and put on a show for our fans."
When asked about this, Trent Dilfer, an ESPN analyst and former Super Bowl-winning QB released a statement: "I completely agree with the executives that made this decision, when they said we had to start preparing for a Falcons game, none of us knew who this team was."
The main reasoning behind this move is due to ESPN not wanting to air a three-hour program about a team that they didn't know exists—it simply did not make sense.
Matt Millen, a very successful NFL General Manager with the Detroit Lions, also agreed with the decision. "Falcons, what is that, is that a bird or something?" he asked. "What relationship do they have with the NFL?"
The Georgia Dome will still be packed however, as the only way to actually see this game take place will be to actually be in attendance at the Georgia Dome.
The Falcons, despite their 12-2 record, has not been reported as an NFL team this season. Absent from highlight shows and analysis on the networks, this bird has clearly flown under the radar.
Apparently there is nothing that this Falcons team does that is sexy—they are just too dominant of an offensive team. They have won 12 games so far in the season, and they are one win away from being the No. 1 seed in the playoffs.
This change, will also affect the daily line-up of ESPN that day, starting at 4:00 p.m.
4:00 P.M.- 5:00 P.M.—World Series Of Poker
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Originally, ESPN had scheduled NFL Live for this time slot, but it no longer will air.
Say goodbye NFL Live, and say hello the 123rd of 152nd episode of the 2010 World Series of Poker. There are only two people left, but this will still take over 30 hours to complete.
Poker, the most watched sport in the history of ESPN, will get the nod over covering some NFL team named the Falcons.
This is sure to draw many 35-45-year-old's that are currently living in their parents' basement. They will actually have to put down their Xbox controllers, but they still will be able to play online poker while watching this program.
5:00 P.M.- 6:00 P.M.—2014 World Cup Preview
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Say good-bye to NFL Primetime—the originally scheduled program in this time slot—and say hello to the most anticipated event in the history of the United States.
Even though over three years away, ESPN has decided their coverage can't start any later.
ESPN's decision in this change was brought about by the increase in popularity in soccer, a sport that has truly embraced the American culture.
Over 120 million Americans are expected to watch this preview, which is why ESPN couldn't let this opportunity slip away.
6:00 P.M.- 7:00 P.M.—SportsCenter Will Still Air
Mainly due to the fact that their will be highlights from the previous day's NFL action, ESPN has announced that SportsCenter will air for the 234,304th time in history—more times than any other program on any other channel.
They simply could not afford to suffer not airing one episode, as the United States would surely fall apart if SportsCenter is not shown at 6:00 p.m sharp.
"Not airing Sportscenter would ruin our reputation, we have to have the same highlights and same breakdown repeated every single hour," said an ESPN spokesperson. "There is a chance that Brett Favre can take a nap or sneeze. Mort and Adam will be on this as soon as it happens and Rachel Nichols will be on the scene in minutes."
Even though there are 32 teams in the NFL, the world-wide leader has yet to recognize that an Atlanta Falcons team exists.
This comes as a shock to many Falcons fans, considering the fact that they hold a 12-2 record, and with a win can lock up the number-one seed and home-field advantage throughout the playoffs.
7:00 P.M.- 8:00 P.M.—2010 Bowling Championships
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Bowling, a sport that is currently becoming more popular than any other sport on the face of the planet, will replace Monday Night Countdown.
Chris Berman wasn't taken by surprise by this move, by releasing the statement: "Back, back, back, back, back, back, 45, 40, 35, 30, 25, 20; He. Could. Go. All. The. Way. Touchdown."
"Boo-yah," was the statement that Stuart Scott released.
When asking for a translation of either of these statements, an ESPN spokesperson said: "Come on, it's my day off, that's something that could take years."
Although, currently not related to ESPN, John Madden has also added his opinion, adding, "Brett Favre."
Bowling, a sport that is gaining the attention of more and more Americans every day, was the obvious choice here.
Throwing a ball done a lane to knock down pins—and doing it over and over again, is simply must watch TV.
8:00 P.M.- 11:00 P.M.—The Chase For A Cup
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The Danica Patrick Story.
Danica Patrick, solely known for her ability to drive a race car and make left turns (and having nothing to do with her good looks) will be featured in a 30 for 30 style three-hour long documentary.
This will be air at the same time as an NFL game of great importance feature the 12-2 Atlanta Falcons and the 10-4 New Orleans Saints.
But the executives at ESPN never really gave it much thought.
"Danica Patrick, Danica Patrick, now there is an athlete that needs coverage. She has brought racing to the front of American sports," said an ESPN spokesperson.
Trent Dilfer could not agree more with this decision. "I really can't wait for this to air. With their being no football games on tonight, I can just sit back and relax and watch a true athlete at work," he said.
The game in the Georgia Dome will still go on as planned regardless if it gets a television audience or not. People who will not be at the game will be encouraged to follow tweets from users that will be in attendance at the game.
For those that don't have a Twitter account, you will need to flip to page 13 of the Sports page in USA Today on Tuesday to find out who won this game.
When Falcons fans arrive home, they will still not be able to see coverage of their team.
They will however be able to watch...
11:00 P.M.- 12:00 P.M.—Dancing With The Stars, SportsCaster and Athlete Review
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Dancing With the Stars, the most talked about thing in regards to sports-related subjects, will have an hour-long special featuring their very own Erin Andrews and other athletes that have been part of the show.
And yes, I just wanted to put a picture of Erin on here, something that I know you wanted—its in every other slideshow anyways.
No week would be complete without Dancing With the Stars, a show that has taken over water cooler and bar conversations since its inception.
Skip Bayless and Trent Dilfer, two of the most respected ESPN commentators, will be hosting the show.
Skip Bayless will bring the LeBron James aspect into this show, and Trent Dilfer will be flashing his Super Bowl ring, something that he had a major role in.
There will most likely be intelligence featured in this show. Except for the fact that Erin Andrews will be featured, a case in which we can just mute Bayless and Dilfer, and just watch and enjoy.
This was another easy decision that ESPN had to make, even though the Atlanta Falcons-New Orleans Saints game will have just concluded.
In a Game That ESPN Will Not Air...
Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images
... Atlanta will win 31-24.
ESPN will continue to not recognize the Falcons as a team that is in the NFL, unless they win a Super Bowl. If they come up short, no one will even notice, except for the city of Atlanta and their fans.
The Atlanta Falcons are 6-0 at home, and 6-2 on the road, and they currently hold a 12-2 record.
No other team has a better record than this, not even Tom Brady and the New England Patriots.
However, if Brett Favre breaks a toe-nail, Tim Tebow says something, or if LeBron James makes a decision, ESPN will abandon their newly-listed programming schedule and cut to Mort and Adam and their breaking news segment.
What ESPN has done to this point—simply not giving the Falcons any of the credit they deserve— has become borderline embarrassing.
The Falcons are 12-2. They are who their record says they are. They aren't a sexy team, but a dominant one. Opposing team defenses knows what's coming, but they can't stop it, as the Falcons are simply the most consistent team in the NFL.
The Falcons don't make mistakes. They don't turn the ball over. They force the other team to make mistakes. And the Falcons take advantage, and they do one thing better than every other team in the NFC, and that is why they win.
No other team can say they do a better job than the Falcons.
Their 12-2 record does all the talking, even if ESPN doesn't recognize it.
A 12-2 team is a 12-2 team and there is nothing anybody can do to take that away from Falcons fans—not even the almighty, all-powerful ESPN.