Merry Christmas To You: Handing Out Gifts To The WWE Superstars

Mike WalpoleContributor IDecember 25, 2010

Merry Christmas To You: Handing Out Gifts To The WWE Superstars

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    Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas to all!

    I hope you all got your stockings stuffed and the presents you wanted. But before you finish all your Christmas ham and crack open those new presents for the first and only time you'll use them all year, let Walpole Claus hand out a few last minute gifts to our beloved WWE Superstars.

    Believe it or not, even they have some things on their holiday wishlists. Let's check under the tree and see what they got...

John Cena

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    Merry Christmas, John! Unwrap your gift and you'll find a few new moves!

    That's right, were sick of seeing you do the same four moves over and over again. Hey, I know your trying out that new gutwrench suplex or whatever it is, way to think outside the box, buddy! Let's break down your typical match.

    You start by getting your ass kicked for roughly 10 minutes or so. Next, you heroically come back with a few shoulder blocks, they swing and miss wildly and you hit your modified belly to back suplex (side note: why do they all attempt to punch him here? I digress).

    You follow that up with an AA attempt which will be thwarted, only for the moment though, as you next apply the STF for the tap out. Thank you very much, can I have my $45 back now?

Undertaker

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    Merry Christmas, Taker! For you, I have an all-expenses paid stay at the retirement home of your choosing! That's right, wherever your want to spend the rest of your living years is up to you, as long as it's not in a WWE ring of course.

    You had a great career and I appreciate everything you've done, but it is certainly time to hang it up. Have your final hurrah at 'Mania, (win, lose, I don't care) and please sail off into the sunset.

Ted DiBiase

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    Merry Christmas, Ted! For you, I have a meaningful feud! You may not be familiar with what that is, but it's a sequence of run-ins, promos and matches involving you and another superstar that people actually care about watching. I know you haven't had one of these in roughly a year since you mixed it up with your Legacy brethren, so I feel like it's time for another.

    P.S., I know she's the hottest thing from Canada since Wayne Gretzky, but lose Maryse already. You two are like that couple everybody knows that constantly fights and were all sick of, yet you keep showing up together to our parties. Your invite is no longer a plus-one.

Santino Marella

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    Merry Christmas, Santino! I know you've been a good boy this year, so for you I have a new gimmick! Remember the days when you were somewhat taken seriously? You were a two-time IC Champion and still managed to have a few laughable scenes with Maria and Beth Phoenix.

    These days, your a complete joke (one that isn't even funny, might I add) and people laugh when your on-screen, not because you say funny things, but because everything about your character is embarrassing. Your finisher is the worst thing we've had to witness since the Hogan Leg Drop and you went from a pretty sound technician to a guy who uses diving headbutts and weak leg sweeps as signature moves. I hope your happy.

Daniel Bryan

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    Merry Christmas Bry...uh, I mean Daniel! Your gift is long overdue and I am more than happy to present you with it. For you, I have new entrance music! You are arguably the best pure wrestler in the company and won the Unites States Title one month into your WWE run. But until you change that God-awful theme you enter the arena to, I will not support you.

    Your music is unpopable (just made a word up!) as its overly loud and nerdy. I know that's your pseudo-gimmick, but I'm not a nerd so in turn, I will not applaud it. Your initial generic rock music was better. Seriously.

Gail Kim

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    Merry Christmas, Gail! (I just wanna say, Googled "Merry Christmas" trying to translate it from English to Korean...no luck.) Boy, do I have a special gift for you! Here you are Gail, a brand new TNA contract!

    Sure, just because you are one of the top three talents on the WWE Divas roster, doesn't mean your gonna get a chance to show it. I'd assume your not content with partaking in six-diva tag matches where you don't even get a chance to tag in.

    So how about you take your talents to Orlando? Watching the pathetic TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship "tournament", which was literally two semifinal matches before a final, the Knockouts division could use some more depth. Enjoy your push!

Evan Bourne

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    Merry Christmas, Evan! I know your hurting at the moment, but I think I have just the gift to brighten up your holidays. I got you the Cruiserweight Championship! A title that I always enjoyed as I'm sure others did too.

    This title will give you a reason to have a job because its obvious WWE will never give you a serious push because your not over 6', 220+ pounds...or Mexican. So enjoy, well see you soon enough.

Hornswoggle

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    Merry Christmas, Horny! Your getting a pink slip. Go away.

Seth Rollins

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    Merry Christmas, Seth! I've got just the gift for you, a call-up to the main roster and a strong push!

    You've got the whole CM Punk thing going on (similar build, strong cult following, indy domination), so what better way to kick off your WWE career than with a great feud with the Straight Edge Savior?

    Unfortunately, I can't help you with your new terrible name, but this feud would help get it out there with the Universe members who aren't familiar with you. Enjoy buddy!

The Miz

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    Merry Christmas, Miz! You've had a very good year and I am going to reward you with a gift to match. I am giving you a lengthy WWE Title run!

    Despite your current reign being thrown out there as a "fluke", I do not see it as such. How does this sound? A win over Morrison at the Rumble, a win over Orton, Punk, Cena, Morrison and Barrett at Elimination Chamber, all culminating with a clear-cut one-on-one victory over John Cena at Wrestlemania 27. Whew, gives me chills just thinking about it.

Happy Holidays

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    Well, boys and girls, Walpole Claus is all gifted out! Hope you all enjoy your presents and had a great Christmas!

    Here's to a happy and healthy New Year. May your 2011 be AAAAAWESOME!!!!