Why a Virgin Birth Doesn't Even Make The BCS Championship Game of Miracles
We at the VFA can only write to wish every single one of our hundreds of thousands (we wish!) of readers a very, very Merry Christmas, whether you're reading via this website, Facebook, you've been tweeted, or you stumbled across our crap on Bleacher Report.
Speaking of Twitter, a friend of ours noted to us after we attended Midnight Mass that the virgin birth of Christ came only second in the BCS Championship Game of Miracles behind Resurrection.
That got us thinking about rankings. Here's our top 10 BCS (Believe it or not Christ has it Sorted) Miracles—
We'd like to apologise if this seems a little blasphemous. It's a joke. And yes, the writer does go to church.
1) Resurrection - Cam Newton's career's got nothing on coming back from the dead on Our Lord. SMU comes pretty darned close though.
2) Raising The Dead - What's going to come first - Joe Paterno's or Jesus' return? We'd like to bet on Jesus.
3) Walking on Water - Forget our LaMichael James, Jesus' favourite Duck-Saviour. He's had redemption after a hellish start to 2010, and now Oregon fans think he walks on water. Well, Jesus walks on water - all the time. Which would have made the Poinsetta Bowl a breeze for him. Heck, Navy might have won.
4) Water into Wine - The SEC kids would cry to have Jesus along to the party. Then at least they can say, "Jesus I have a hangover". Apparently the Lord's not going to supply Advil though, kids.
5) Virgin Birth - Er ... no remarks there. According to SEC fans, the only thing more incredible than the Virgin Birth was how Les Miles only lost one game this season. We can't understand it.
6) Healing the Sick - Bring him your ills. Unfortunately, that doesn't include the University of Texas, which is one sick program at the moment.
7) Grace - The NCAA tries to be graceful, and the schools run roughshod over the rules. It's their fault, not God's. As much as Ohio State fans would love to be blame Him for their saviours' foibles (yes, we're looking at your Mr Pryor!)
8) Feeding the 5,000 - Again, Jesus would be welcome at any tailgate party. Especially at SEC schools, where the fans are bigger.
9) Feeding the 3,000 - Jesus is welcome to a Division I-AA games (he hates calling them the FCS) for the smaller tailgates, too.
10) Quietening the Storms - Jesus could give a couple of lessons about quietening angry seas to a certain Mr Richt at Georgia. Mr Muschamp might want to come along too.
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