Just when you thought it was safe to go back onto ESPN.com...
So there I am, looking at my phone on ESPN.com, when I come across an article about LeBrick vs. Kobe regarding who's more clutch. Naturally, I assume that it will define Kobe as being superior in this category (even ESPN, the LeBrick James Network, can't deny this fact).
It is written by another dorky, white, unathletic goof ball named Tom Haberstroh (this follows their long line of writers of a similar ilk...John Hollinger, David Thorpe, Brian Windhorst...). Now, this guy starts using all kinds of crap stats to prove that LeBrick, not Kobe, is more clutch. Huh? Come again?
On the eve of the big Christmas Day game, ESPN has to show its obvious bias toward LeBrick. So it brings in some sports "math-whiz" and has him conjure up stats to show that LeBrick is superior in every conceivable way to Kobe.
Where does ESPN find these losers? I mean, I want to know what Scottie Pippen thinks...or Michael Jordan...or that kid on the streets who can hit 10 threes in a row. Give me someone who's played the game to write an article. What is Karl Malone's opinion?
Sporting News did another poll of past NBA players and coaches, and they overwhelmingly agreed that Kobe Bryant was the superior player. NBA GMs overwhelmingly voted to have Kobe Bryant take a final shot.
ESPN, on the other hand, doesn't poll people who might actually give a well thought-out answer. They go and find some pathetic white nerd who did LeBrick's homework in high school, have him fudge some numbers together, have them write an article declaring LeBrick's superiority in every category from lay-ups to knitting and then post it on their popular website.
"Now on ESPN.com, check out our expert analysis on why LeBrick is more clutch than Kobe." In my opinion, a basketball expert is Larry Bird, or Rick Barry or Reggie Miller. If I want an expert on how to not get chicks, then I'll read whatever Tom Haberstroh or Brian Windhorst has to write.
Now, I've been silent on the Heat and their recent struggles. It's December! Snore...
The real season won't begin until late February or early March. But every analyst out there is already proclaiming the Spurs/Mavs/Celts/Bobcats/1998 Bulls/Heat to be the NBA champion.
Barring injury, the Lakers are unbeatable. They're just in coast-mode. They know that championships aren't won in December, but championships can be lost, especially if someone sustains a major injury. Of course the PER, 48-min, Coulomb's law-rating of a team in December is crucial to someone paying extra money to be an NBA insider on ESPN.
Not only is ESPN on its knees to LeBrick James, it also wants you, the customer, to pay extra for "insider" information provided by dorks who have never played the game.
But I digress...
This clutch argument has really riled me up. I googled Tom Haberstroh and couldn't find anything regarding his basketball experience. What qualifies him to write an article? He needs to be on this website so that he isn't so relevant.
Do his "stats" tell you about how LeBrick can't hit an outside shot to save his life? Do his "stats" tell you about how LeBrick likes to pass up shots in the clutch because he's afraid to have the ball in his hands out of fear of being fouled and exposed at the free-throw line for his awful shooting?
No. His "stats" only tell you what he, Tom Haberstroh, and ESPN want to tell you: LeBrick James is the best basketball player ever.
Like the new article format? Send us feedback!