Bolshoi, the Boxer, Believes It Paes To Be Leander's Muse (Satire)

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Bolshoi, the Boxer, Believes It Paes To Be Leander's Muse (Satire)
Gary M. Prior/Getty Images
Leander Paes: Moving on to the big screen.

(First published on http://maketimeforsports.com)

Bolshoi, my pet Boxer, wishes to act in a Hollywood picture.

“I have decided that I will become a film star. I want to win an Oscar for the country.”

“Sure. And pigs will fly.” I reply.

“I am serious. If Leander Paes can dream of securing an Academy Award in his second avatar, I can make it happen as well.” Bolshoi glares at me.

“Leander Paes is a sports celebrity. He has a huge advantage over you. Besides, his wife Rhea Pillai has filmi connections and he’s had acting classes before deciding to make the transition. He’s also good-looking.” I try to pour some cold water.

“I’ve had histrionics lessons as well. My friend, Botox, the Pekingese, has been assisting me in the nuances of facing the camera. She is a very gifted artiste and has won several prizes in dog shows. She is well-versed in the art of cosmetics.”

Bolshoi shows me his left cheek, duly rouged.

“You’ll need more than acting classes to make it to the big screen. Bollywood would be a better bet, but you have learn to shake a leg and lip-sync.” By now my curiosity is piqued.

“Are you not listening to me? I’ve been training for two hours daily under Botox’s gimlet eye. I have mastered the moves to ‘Sheela Ki Jawani’ and am now working on ‘Chaiya, Chaiya.'”

Sheela Ki Jawani

Bolshoi twirls and prances to an imaginary beat.

“I don’t know why you keep drawing inspiration from these pumped-up prima donnas. They live action-packed lives and need some more when they retire. You are just an old dog and should retire to your kennel.”

I turn away.

“I am as young as I feel. Besides, Vijay Amritraj, too, starred in a Bond movie, Octopussy. Look at his brother Anand, producing all those Van Damme movies. I could make it huge as well."

“You are unduly encouraged by your girlfriend, Botox. I don’t quite approve of her, you know.” Botox is not my favourite four-legged person.

“You are such a spoil sport. Don’t you think that I score over the Kolkattan when it comes to crossing over to the West? At least, I will not be relegated to bit roles playing a terrorist or a Hispanic love interest. I can be as big a star as Lassie. Or the 101 Dalmatians.” Bolshoi loves to dream big.

“Bolshoi, you can try. But I am not accompanying you on any shoots.”

“Don’t you worry about that. Botox has volunteered to be my secretary. She will take care of my travelling and scheduling needs. She has everything chalked out.” Bolshoi moves towards the door.

“Where are you going now?" I growl.

“Amisha Patel has opted out of Leander’s film, Rajdhani Express. Botox and I have  approached her to make her next movie with us.”

Quote of the day:
A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterward. - Jean Paul Richter

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